Are there any palliative nurses here? I need help processing the moments before my husband passed away. I was on my own at the time and it’s absolutely traumatised me.
Hi Charlie
Im not a palletive care nurse but i did care for my wife at home till she passed if i can help you with anything dont hesitate to message me anytime
Thank you for reaching out and sorry to hear about your wife, it’s so difficult isn’t it? First time posting on here for me too. It was the sudden changes to his face - mainly eyes and breathing, I’m told it’s all part of the dying process but he was still there in my opinion. It just so happened when I was repositioning him too which makes things worse. I think he wanted to go without making a fuss and I made it so that he couldn’t.
No charlie dont think that all you did was treat him with love and Affection .
They can still here you even when there at the end of life i spoke to my wife just before her last breath and i know she heard me because her lip moved as if to give a little smile .
The thing i find hardest of all is the lonely ness even though ive got lovely family nothing beats that bond you have ,giggling like kids at daft things .Chatting watching shows testing each other on quiz shows and being able to tell them you love them every night before sleeping
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A massive void that no one can fill only your loved one and accepting that will never happen until hopefully one day you meet again is heartbreaking. Wish you well x
Hi @Charlie1707,
I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. It sounds as though things are very difficult at the moment and you are feeling traumatised.
I know others have already shared their experiences and offered their support, but I also wanted to highlight some other resources.
You might already be familiar with our other Online Bereavement Support services, but if not, you can find out more about our Online Counselling service and our Grief Guide self-help tools by visiting the link.
Another place to get support and to ask questions is your local hospice, or you can make an appointment with your GP, who can discuss other support options with you.
Take care - keep reaching out,
Kate
Sue Ryder Online Community team
Im not a palliative nurse but my husband was on the ward with the nurses, he was moved to a hospice where he spent his last 4 days (we had 4 weeks from his diagnosis). I was with him until his last breath and held his hand, he was given something to help him sleep when the time came as he didn’t want to suffer.
I know it sounds selfish his best friend from childhood was there (i wanted him to leave but didn’t want to upset him by asking).
I couldn’t tell him how much I was going to miss him and i love him and didn’t want him to leave me.
His best friend took over in the last 2 hours telling the nurses what to do (which made me angry but again I didn’t say anything).
When my beloved finally passed away i still had so many things to say to him.
So sorry for rambling and sorry for your loss
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Dear poppet
You dont have to Apologise for rambling thats what this site is about venting you anger and getting it off yout chest .
Do that as much as you want dont keep it inside brewing it will make you worse not being able to talk or rant whatever and whenever you want to.
I can imagine the fustration when his friend started taking over being devils Advocate was he trying to take the pressure off you a bit but no matter who is in that room you say what you want to say to him because thats your moment to say goodbye.
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Hello Poppet 1973
That’s really sad and I can’t imagine how hard this must have been for you. It’s completely understandable to feel upset about not getting to say what you wanted and that you weren’t alone with your husband in his final moments as you wanted to be. I truly believe that he knew how much you loved him, even if you didn’t get to say it in those last moments.
I find talking to a photo of my husband helps and I know that sounds daft but it gets things off my chest, sometimes I even shout! Remember all the precious memories and the love you shared together, don’t let his sad departure from this world take away from your happiest times together x
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Hi,
I also talk to my mum’s photo. I ask her to help me when I am worrying about something or simply tell her how much I miss and love her.
It changed my mood and I feel it’s the nearest I have to talking with her.
Thank God for photos.
Sending love
Deborah
Hi Seychelles
I do exactly the same i have a little silver box which i have a little bottles of ashes
And a lock of her hair in which i kiss everynight and tell her i love her just like i would do each night.
Then i chat to her picture well lets get it right its either talk to her picture or talk to the dog 
Hi Yanko,
It’s very hard isn’t it. Sometimes I hear about something and I just want to tell her then realise I can’t but I tell her photo instead.
It’s been just over 2 years for me and I still feel like it was yesterday.
I miss her so much. I know she would want me to carry on with my life and not grieve like I do but it’s very difficult.
I was her main carer and cared for her when she was on end of life for 5 weeks. I sat in the chair for over two weeks in hosp 24 /7 and never moved. Then I persuaded them to let me take her home. Slept on the settee next to her got three weeks. Most traumatic time of my life. I will never be the same person as before.
How long has it been for you ?
We can only carry on somehow and make sure we do them proud
Sending love to you
Deborah
Hi Seychelles
I know exactly what you mean its bean 4 years now but i should have got help then instead of needing it now. My wafe was a carer for 40 years loved her job always smiling . And then they found a lump in her windpipe which was very aggressive she didnt want me to put her in a home so i gave up my job and looked after her 24/7 until the palletive nurses had to take over but still she was at home so basically i like you watched my world slowly die.
I dont want to be a shell of a man so im now seeking help so i can get back to being me happy bubbly love life guy which i am miles off being yet. They know we loved them with all our hearts and thats good to know
Not a palliative nurse but dad died at home of cancer.
I’d previously read the Macmillan end of life webpages and found them very helpful. I’d never seen a dead person before and it helped me envisage what the last days and hours are like.
It’s not an easy read but it’s done sensitively and in a series of pages so you can stop if you want. It tells you what is normal, so I hope it might help you.
That’s so good Yanko you are going to get help.
Looking back I should have too.
The past two years have been just surviving and putting a brave face on which has been extremely hard.
For me I started setting myself tiny goals for each morning then each afternoon. Just small little targets to achieve by the end of the day. then they became weekly goals and this year I have set myself monthly goals to do with bigger projects like decorating etc.
It gives me a sense of purpose and if course the achievement is great for my wellbeing.
I can sense my mum with me urging me on. It’s difficult to explain but I feel her presence around me.
The tiniest things trigger me though like not being able to park in a disabled bay because she’s not with me, passing her hairdresser’s shop, watching her favourite TV programmes, going into Marks and Spencer, good shopping for her favourite things, and seeing people that actually look like her. It can be done painful at times.
I think we all try to be brave and get through it but deep down we all need some help. I have a wonderful husband and grown up son who have been amazing and also so brave. I have also found fantastic people on this site who truly understand and the support has been something I shall never forget
I hope you reach out and get through support you need. Take every chance of any help I say.
Deborah
Hi Deborah
I totally get where your coming from so much that would have passed you by normally you are picking up on now and things are reminding you i know its hard but try and think of the laughs you had together when you were out shopping the daft little things that made you both chuckle its upsetting but kind of warm aswell. I went through a stage when i lost my mum and i was walking down the road and a group of teenagers were pratting around laughing and joking and i remember things you load of so and sos why are you happy and laughing dont you know my mum has just died . They didnt have a clue but i felt they had no right to be happy and joyful.
Fran
Hi Yanko,
Totally agree. After two years I am able to think of the good times,the funny things that happened and the silly little things she used to say that made me laugh so much.
Grief has changed me so much. I no longer have time for negativity in my life. I hate people moaning and just walk away. Life is so precious.
I have started a new life now or it’s like reading a book and starting a new chapter. Not that I ever wanted to and although I knew it would be hard I totally underestimated how hard it would be and how I would struggle.
Time is as they say a great healer and yes I have come a long way in 2 year in so many ways. But it’s still hard.
Putting strategies into place has helped me.
When I meet someone who knew mum but I know they just want to be nosey I say hello then after a sentence or two I say I have yo dash to catch a train. It helps me cope with silly questions people ask.
I also say oooh I can’t remember a lot lol. Works great especially when far off family members or mum’s neighbours ask anything. It’s still difficult for me to talk about mum’s house etc so I avoid places where I know certain people are who may ask me something.
I think it’s all to do with putting mechanisms in place to protect myself as in the beginning I would get upset for days over something silly and trivial that someone asked me.
I also deleted a lot of contacts and I changed my phone number. That was the most liberating thing I have ever done and meant I didn’t get silly texts from people wanting to gain information.
My mum was a very gentle private person so that’s the way I wanted to keep everything after she passed.
I even emptied her house when neighbours were in work or it was dark so no one could see what was taken out of her house. And slowly after 18 months no one noticed everything was removed and the house sold on the day it was put on the market. As I live 40 miles away I wasn’t there to be questioned about anything. This all helped in what was a traumatic experience of selling my childhood home.
We can only carry on and do whatever it takes to help ourselves get stronger.
I hope you are ok and getting though each day ok.
This site is amazing isn’t it
Deborah
Hi Deborah
You have made giant steps and well done you.I can only imagine it must of been like your child hood and your memories were being taken from you .
Talking about nosy women i used to wait for them to come and chat with me and then run off shouting sorry chat soon:rofl:
the look of disappointment on their face priceless.
But anyway you are doing brill pat yourself on the back.
Im here anytime you want to chat even if i dont look like ive been on my phone will ping the message keep being positive .