I’ve been unwell and alone all day, missed out on some family time as my granddaughter had her soft play party but I didn’t feel well enough to go. So naturally I’m very low.
I genuinely don’t want to go on without Luie, the thought of a future on my own is just horrendous.
I can’t, and won’t, commit suicide as that would be so painful for my family to cope with but I do hope that God takes me soon.
Until then I’ll wake each day without him, endure the day without him, go to bed without him and start all over again the next morning.
In my heart I know time will help, I don’t know that I want to wait for time though.
@Flower1947
Yes I haven’t had a morning so far that I’ve woken up anything other than depressed that I’m still alive. But not wanting to be alive is different from intending not to be. So it’s good you see that.
The vastness of a future without your soulmate is overwhelming. To me it feels like vertigo, like standing at the top of a cliff sick and wobbly withe fear. I don’t want to be in this position. I have no answers but I try the technique of focusing on something close… so just avoiding trying to look too far ahead.
I think I’m doing a sad version of mindfulness so instead of getting pleasure in small things it is rewarding myself for small achievements, even unpleasant ones. Hoping eventually they will build into some new version of me.
Yesterday I had to go to the dentist which I hate and outside here is still snow and ice so horrible. I was so pleased to get home. But tried to recognise that I had coped.
So although you missed out on time with family, you got through feeling unwell alone. That’s an achievement. It no way solves the bigger problem by itself but might be a tiny element building towards coping.
Family and friends are supportive in their own way but thinking about it none of them have lost a partner so they have no concept of how that feels or what it means.
They think it’s just getting used to living alone but it’s so much more.
The silence is unbearable, TV or radio don’t help, it’s Luie’s voice that’s missing.
I talk to him all the time and I try to imagine what he would say to me. Otherwise I don’t get to use my voice for days.
I do go out, shops etc so I see other people but it’s fleeting and I’m soon back home again alone.
My sister comes to stay now and then but eventually goes back home again.
Each day I get through is a step nearer to a new existence, I don’t want it but I’m stuck with it.
Flower1947 I know what you mean about looking to the future without your darling Luie.
I find it too difficult to do that.
I try to get through the day and then the next day. The future is distant, too depressing and full of uncertainty to contemplate so I try not to do that. That’s not to say I am always successful in it.
I want to be kind to myself. It’s a weird place for me though as I have always been in a carers‘ role in one way or another and now it’s time to care for me with my daily grief.
We are worth that.
I am trying to focus on activities which relax me.
I have signed up for grief counselling to see if it will help. I have also decided to start using my local swimming pool. I pushed myself to attend a carers‘ group yesterday and it felt alien but after about 45minutes I found I was actually enjoying it! Something I didn’t expect.
None of us have all the answers but spending nearly all of my time at home alone isn’t the answer for me which, like you, is what I have been doing for a while now.
I don’t suppose until experiencing losing our partners we knew what it would be like we had any idea. Unless you have been there you don’t know.
This group is excellent as we understand what the silence and not using our voices is like.
Writing here is a form of having a voice.
Take care
Flower1947
I certainly will.
My husband died of cancer and the counselling group is through the Maggies Centre.
The MacMillan nurse recommended I try Maggies out and I am glad I went along one day when I was at one of my lows,
Whatever platform there is for my voice where people understand I will try out.
Like you families and friends are supportive but they say the wrong things for me.
It doesn’t help.
There is so much support out there with trained staff for us to try.
I was told of a grief cafe locally, which interested me but the time didn’t suit otherwise I would have given it a shot.
For me being pro active is better than sitting with my own head, although I do love the peace of our home too.
X
I feel so lost without my beautiful gorgeous late wife sue who sadly took the next part of her journey on the 1st February last year and I feel so lost without her and right now I just wish I could hold sue in my arms again. Especially after the news i was given yesterday. I,m a right below knee amputee and have now been told that I have to my right leg amputated above the knee. I miss my beautiful gorgeous wife sue so much xx
