Episodes of built and grief.

Today, yet again, I have experienced a bout of overwhelming grief over the death of my partner but later wondered if really it was a mixture of self pity and guilt.
The guilt is mind blowing, I wasn’t patient enough and should have been more caring knowing he was going through the hell of dementia.
Instead I was often far too impatient, if only I could have him here now, which I know can never happen, but would things have been different? I like to believe so.
There were photographs of him which I made into a book and on showing it to someone they pointed out how he looked to be deteriorating in health as the pages were turned. They said he looked so lost in some of the last photos.
Afterwards felt as though my heart was breaking, I looked through them once again trying to see them as they did.
Initially he looked so happy and gazed straight at the camera then slowly in the later photos it was as though his eyes were glazing over and he averted his gaze from the camera.
Would have, should have, could have…
This guilt is something I have to bear for the rest of my life.
Three months since his death and even though I force myself to do things as yet nothing has much meaning since he died.
Yet he would be the first to tell me to get over it and carry on!

I am so sorry for your loss. I firmly believe we all feel guilt feelings when a loved one passes. We all feel we didn’t do enough and I have the same feelings too after Anne passed away in January. Dementia is very hard on those that look after them, you see them changing into different persons but often not like an occasional visitor does, the gradual change to the person there all the time often goes unnoticed and we can sometimes think we can be hard on the person. I very much doubt you were hard on him, you are most likely punishing yourself for nothing. My sisters husband has Dementia and Alzheimer’s, he is not that well and rarely speaks and is incoherent when he does, my sister tells me it is hard work and very tiring to look after him, I see her ageing very quickly herself. So yes you need to grieve but please don’t feel guilty I can understand how you feel and what you have been through. Take your time and consider counselling, it is helping me and it does for so many.
Take care. x

Please don’t feel guilty all those feelings are part of the grief one feels for loosing the ones we love. Dementia is so hard and loosing the ones we love devastating but we must hold on to the Love we held even if an illness obstructed that xxx

Thank you both for your kind words.
I know I should have shown more patience but there is nothing that can be done about it any longer.
TrevorG I know what your sister is going through and it is easy to find yourself getting to breaking point in that situation. There was no help for me with my partner and the strain can be enormous when placed on one person.
It’s true we all do our best in trying and hard situations but there is always going to be that nagging guilt that I could have, should have, done better for my partner who was as someone once said a gentle soul.
Maybe as time goes on this feelling will get less or at least not as acute. I pray so.
Shall certainly channel the guilt into doing something worthwhile, fundraising into research for this horrendous condition and then at least some good comes out of my grief and guilt.

Just a few hours later and I’m already thinking why am I wallowing in such self pity!
There are things that can still pull me back from my struggle to move forward, such as the comments on photographs of my partner.
I shall always grieve that’s for certain but it’s a matter of making the best of life as it is now.
There isn’t anything I can do about the guilt or don’t think so, perhaps given time it will ease.
However I should make the most of the time I have on this glorious planet and see the things and places my partner would have loved to have seen.
Think I also may be becoming more selfish, if I no longer wish to do something I will not do it, a polite excuse might be needed to avoid hurt feelings but rather that than going along with things for a quiet life.
If peace and silence is needed at times on my travels then I shall politely avoid others and perhaps take off to a secluded spot for a while to gather my thoughts.
Think we all need space at times but also the comfort of others now and again.
This forum, the people on it give that needed reassurance and help to move forward. Thank you so