I was able to provide myself with privacy after the first year of chaos. However I must do 2 stops today in a taxi both quick but I feel like a raw wound. Peppy has a carrier and I take him with me I hope to do that today. I’m in SW USA so we only get “snaps” of weather he can’t manage. I will put his bed in the carrier. I have a cart because I have to manage mail. It feels like too much but last year I bought a sturdy bag and shoulder straps and the cart. Our postal doesn’t like delivering they leave notes a mile away at the community box. However it has gotten me out of bed to save my inheritance and does so again. You can’t be weak where I live, or very trusting. Peppy will greet from his carrier. He LOVES going out he sings and bounces the whole time so that is something to look forward to. Peace to all
My first husband was Muslim and I sometimes wear a burqua over pajamas just to get this done. It’s my favorite way to go out, deflects queries and presumptions from strangers.
We did it! Peppy went into the carrier as soon as he saw it. Had a very nice convo with the cabbie as well. I didn’t think I could manage but I did.
… it wasn’t quick or easy so I’m giving myself a silver star. Our postal service is broken. The scanners are broken. The trucks are broken. The people sometimes break. I had to notify a supervisor that withholding my parcel because their scanner was broken after I showed if and signed for it (and they wanted me to sign for it before even showing the package to me). Is a crime. I would like my purchase now. And there were customers lined up so far all doors were blocked. I did not take my purchase and walk out as I was sooo tempted to do. Nor did I lose my temper. While my cab was on the meter. For 30 minutes.
Turns out the driver was great he got to know Peppy quickly with whistles. And wiped down his car interior while he waited and got paid to do it and that is why I’m happy.
And I have my purchase which is very important.
I have a humidifier and air purifier in my bedroom so I can focus on breathing now.
Did not need any meds to do this now but a few months ago that wasn’t the case.
Hoping all of you have a wave of hope soon. And then another one. Etc.
Sometimes I get so numb I don’t see my opportunities. I think someone I’ve been working with loosely for awhile whom I made an appointment and who was not at the postal depot may be able to help me with finishing an art project. I want to be done with it and move on. We talk easily about art and craft. I’ve always liked the Hustle, collaboration. Good times and good work and good wishes. I have a problem that is an emotional situation, like another post said filled with filler and tears. This person is calm and appreciative and I trust we can maybe talk about it. And he won’t try to rob me of that I am certain he has the same eyes for beauty and cares not much for capital. Also he will give the value to this as the project is not finished and I want nothing from it but resolution. He knew my husband and respects him also. Hm. I have to get this stuff organized so I can show him in coherence what this is. Ok I’m getting some ideas… and I have to get up and do stuff again to make this happen.
I’ve decided I am going to package this (hundred miniature paintings or more) with the unfinished frames and materials which were promised to be done by my husband and not delivered to me and simply give them away. This person has mentored and even if he doesn’t like them his associates may use them. And I’m going to do it soon because that is an elephant in the room of my marriage and always was. I already started to gave them away all I wanted was the joy of it, they’ve been to Antarctica even. Why this was a colossal problem for my spouse I cannot understand and don’t want to bothered any longer. I will work again in my way in my time. I like to feed and clothe people to make them feel cared after.
I have iced water for my face towel. Also tomato juice here for later.
Wow.
This sucks.
GPS has decided my neighbors house and mine are one property. When I use my phone near that house. So my taxi waited in my neighbors driveway and other problems have happened. She is not responsible and I am distressed and I don’t know what to do. The cabbie showed me his display And Then when we returned he showed me the address was correct now. I talked with a bot and didn’t know it til I demanded help and was transferred to a live assistant my neighbor is totally innocent of having randos in her driveway. So this is getting weird. Also GPS decided you can drive through the wall at the end of my road so people have An Array of technology to attempt any service. I am locked in and I mean it but wow this is crazy. And I told my husband so and he did it anyway. Well I live in a co-op community and I have enough to force compliance in some ways. I wanted to pick daisies but my ancestors also gave me armour. I worked in international human rights law. I did make a call to apologize and explain to my neighbor how horrible for her. In other words, I own a significant share of this real estate venture it’s like this all over here. It’s Private and you buy and pay dues and it’s run by volunteers who tell you not to touch anything even when broken and use only this one house paint. I thought we have gotten further after the revolution but here we are. She wasn’t nice to my husband, her neighbor. But she doesn’t need a delivery idling and dumping in her driveway.
I’ve got to get New Glasses to figure this out.
Told by taxi company Then Don’t Use Our App, make a call.
I am managing my inheritance and affairs however this highlights a lot of trouble and reveals the faults in our marriage. I wanted a farmette and I wasn’t wrong. I’m about as far from that as possible however I’m not stupid. I love him. I wasn’t worth listening to or pleasing anything it was him and his wishes like a tsunami, started slow, ended in catastrophe. All my thoughts were Hobbies only going to work was real. Even though I kept us solvent when he couldn’t. I must have the real assets I have acquired. If he’d listened to me he wouldn’t have had to “go to work” I didn’t realize he liked that better than me. Or even basic survival I told him when you can’t buy gas to go to work what will you do. If you had a farmette you would survive. Everything I liked he tried to shut it down after the first taste. I think he never really liked me. He was not of my lifeway and he was very sick when we met. I don’t think he likes anyone especially not himself. Honestly one paragraph of inclusion in a decade, I was patient and I was willing to help him. He broke all his contracts not just ours. He would have been the King of our farmette. His father interfered so strongly in our marriage he saw he was losing control of his son. I banned him from our lives and it hurt my husband. However I am also co owner of this venture and miraculously I was given some nice secrets I have leveraged. And his son made me more powerful than him. Being conflicted and badly used didn’t change his choice to be a man not a slave. Also the flimsy excuses for this were astonishing I wouldn’t jump and perform for wealth Ever let alone small change. I didn’t realize when I married into a family with secular values and urban lives how traumatized it we would be. I didn’t marry someone to be a doll I married someone to be a partner.
After 20 years I finally said to my husband that I was married before to a black man of the nation of Islam. I had started to paint him and cry about it finally. He was killed in a racial attack. I thought it was safe finally to tell him but he didn’t care which was worse. However I felt it was so impossible to even speak about it and now I am realizing how controlling this relationship was. I didn’t want to trouble him by being alive. I saw him as troubled not dangerous. Try again was my concept I won’t give up on you. I will never give up on him.
Having a nice slow cry now
Also - ok, my neighbor has FOUR CARS. I have none. A car doesn’t mean this isn’t a home and it certainly means I require a taxi to clean up all this. I sometimes wish we could all Reboot. The assumptions made about my life are bizarre. Not owning a car is not a big deal for most of the World. I’ve had taxis tell me they thought I didn’t need the taxi because there were no cars . Gonna watch a Poirot maybe he can figure this out. And I need an aspirin the crying has been difficult.
Peppy likes to sleep on me. I get up to smoke sometimes and he skwaks when I move him.
This is progress.
I was looking for a source to sketch from for my painting The Peach Orchard and I saw a man on the photo library that looked so much like my first husband that I had a problem with everything that had been happening in my life. The whole painting then became about him and I couldn’t take it back, I couldn’t hide him from my life. I have 2 favorite painting I will keep. That is the most precious to me. And it was Necessary that I do it correctly so it took 6 mo of research to finish the ceiling. I think that is when I decided to stop the pull and push and understand I am not an engine only a person. I don’t even know where he is buried. His people bowed over my hand (I did learn enough to wear gloves) and they told me everything in their silence. I love that painting so much. He was an awesome gentleman and smart and beautiful and he cared about me. I was 22 and he was 20. And I put that in my pocket til it came back to me.
Revenge is a dish never served at all. The cat that ate the cream. In front of everyone. And nobody got hurt.
Not even the cat.