I lost my husband unexpectedly 4 weeks ago. He has COPD but unknown to us bronchalpneumonia . He was 40 years old. I have gone through the cremation etc and now despite having a large family that have supported me in every way, I am going through every emotion possible, from being overly calm to crying beyond control. I feel so lonely at night time.
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hi Lune
im very sorry for the sad loss of your husband.many people on here are experiencing varied emotions through losing their loved ones.the feelings you are going through are sadly part and parcel of losing a very special person in your life.i wish I could give you a solution to ease your emotions and get you through this devastating feeling called grief.
hopefully you will get comfort support and love from your family to help you cope .
warm regards ian
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Hi Lune - My emotions had total control over me for months. For the first few weeks I was numb and felt hollow inside. I cried so much, I never knew a person could cry that much. I just reread my first post, back in Aug. and I see the changes in myself. One of the biggest is that I finally got control back over my emotions - oh, not 100% , but enough of the time I can maintain and engage with others. The loneliness is hard. Although I’ve accepted the total finality of what’s happened, I will always be yearning for him.
Be gentle to yourself; be patient with yourself and look after yourself as best you can. You have suffered a great trauma. It affects the mind & the body as well as the spirit. Time will help to level out your thoughts and emotions. It’s been almost 8 months and I do see “positive” changes in myself.
This site is a place to come when you need to talk/share & you will find no judgement, only understanding. For me, there are things I cannot, or do not want, to say to friends/family - but I have to be able to voice them, and this is the place. Unfortunately we are all here for the same sad reason.
Thank you Heather for your words. I’m just on a roller coaster and with 5 grandchildren that I have guardianship over, I’m having to control my emotions. I cant stop thinking about him and it seems to be getting harder, not easier. I cant sleep, eat if and when I think about it. Little things trigger me off.
Hi Lune, so sorry to hear about your husband…my husband Tim died suddenly in sept last year…your emotions will rule you for a while. Let them sweetheart, you can’t stop the pain and it’s only natural to cry when you have lost the person closest to you. For weeks I felt sick to my core and cried until I was exhausted. But make sure you eat and drink some water. You must keep your health topped up. Five months on I still miss my husband in every waking moment, and I do still have a cry most days, usually in my car as I’m driving to and from work. The rest of the time I can now say I have got myself a bit more together. I found my brain was totally mashed , and my focus really suffered…,that is still not back how it was. I truly think our minds shut down a bit to survive the trauma. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is your emotions will calm down in time, don’t rush it, take is an hour at a time. Sending love x
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Hi Diverliza. Thanks for your comforting words. It’s just so hard, the tears and overwhelming panic and anxiety attacks that have now arrived, are driving me insane. I’m not use to accepting help and that’s difficult within itself. The fog brain and absent moments are crazy. I miss him so much and every day is hard. I had to pick him up today and that was hard enough. Sometimes the loneliness is fine, but other times I feel like I’m going stir crazy. My poor dogs think I’ve lost the plot as I’m constantly talking to them!!! I find myself being short tempered with the children and then crying because I’ve snapped at them. Xxx
Your fuse is bound to be short…your fear is common…it’s a terrifying prospect , our future alone…but we have to face that fear head on. I don’t know where it comes from, but somewhere out of the daze you’ll find the strength to do the things you need to do. It’s a lot to deal with practically and emotionally, it’s not easy, but you will find that strength from somewhere. Keep using the forum, we all know how you feel and this is a good place to come when nothing makes sense in life…big hugs x
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Hi Lune
Sorry for your loss. The early days are so overwhelming but it does get easier.
I’ve found the grief is like a rollercoaster or comes in waves. Sometimes they’re big ones, sometimes smaller. Lots and lots of tears. Tears are good. Talking is good. This forum is great! I have sessions with a counsellor over the phone or FaceTime (we started off face to face) and that has been very useful because family often don’t know the best thing to say. There are also bereavement groups out there which I haven’t tried yet but I might in the future. Today I have been so weepy. Even at work although I tried to do it when I had a break so nobody saw me. I’m away from home too, so my family are not close by to grab a hug from. I’m feeling a bit better now though. I had a good cry and now I’ll try to watch a funny show and get a better nights sleep. I’m always more weepy if I didn’t sleep well.
Try to look after yourself as best you can physically - exercise and eat as well as you can. Get good sleep and make sure you get out and see people. It will help you even if you don’t feel like it. X
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Thank you. It helps to talk to outside of family, as they are worried about upsetting me. I suppose is still early days. Hadn’t even been a week since his service. Xx
It really is the early days and it does take awhile to find some balance. If the grandchildren are old enough you can let them know you’re sad and that’s why you’re snappy. Children can be very understanding. The dogs won’t care - they’ll just continue with their unconditional love.
The eating and drinking is really important, no matter how indifferent you feel. I’ve noticed that when I don’t eat, I’m more vulnerable to sadness and tears. In the beginning I just ate whatever I managed to buy - frozen meals, prepared salads, quick oven meals (chicken and baked potato), cold cereal or toast - but I tried to make myself eat at least one good meal a day. My appetite is just starting to return to normal.
Remember to breathe when it gets rough. …you will get through it and you will be able to find a glimmer of light one of these days.