Everyday is getting harder

[angiecb]

Its been over 3 weeks since my hubbys funeral, he died on the 3/2/21. He was diognoised with 2 brain tumors in December, in January we found out how rare and aggressive they was and given the prognosis of just a few months to live…no treatment, to advanced .
He was so Brave and the December and January we tried to make as many new happy memories as we could…for the children, for each other.
He was so determined he would fight the gremlins as he called them to be with us longer, was scary and heartbreaking to see how quickly the Tumors took hold of him, the symptoms…the battle to get support, he wished to die at home and we carried that wish out…we cared for him together myself and children and tried to make his last hours special for him with us by his side telling him how much we loved him and thanking him for being the most amazing husband for giving me 27 year’s of love and of pure happiness and for being the most amazing dad to our children he was 56, we had been together 27 years , my soul mate, best friend and the most loving person I knew , he was such a devoted Dad to our amazing children, sons aged 27, 25 and 19 and our daughter aged 16, we did everything together as a family, so many dreams and plans we had but also plans for us as a couple now the kids where growing up.
I cant believe hes gone…he tried so hard to prepare us for what was to come…he started a diary…his journal that he wrote in each day…with instructions we could read it after his passing …beatiful inspiring words to us we will cherish.

I’m struggling…he askd me to be strong for the children… I’m trying to be…but inside I feel dead…alone and so lost without him by my side.
I made a promise to hubby I would always be there for the children …and I will, they are being amazingly strong and helped with all the arrangements and been by my side every step of the way ,
we was always such a close family and still very close to the children…but my confidence as gone in anything I do…feel so hopeless, useless. and scared of a future without him.
Hubby was always the one to mange the monthly household budget…he was good at that…now I’m struggling to deal with all the budget…finiances…paperwork…benefits…
I was a carer to my 16 year old daughter…and full time housewife/mum…we wasn’t rich…we got by…
Im finding all the universal credit confusing…the budgeting…now looking for full time job…so many worrys about 25 year old son little buisness as he took time of to help me at home with hubby and funeral etc and now his buisness is on the brink of collapse…with covid that hasn’t helped…hubby would know how to sort it all…keep thinking what to do…do I help him financially…but if I did that woukd leave us in a worse situation…hubbys works pension paid a lump sum payment and they paid his performance bonus…that means universal credit class it as income…it was used towards his funeral…so what money we have left needs to last us to run the home…I feel so stressed…taken advice from welfare rights…but this descioun over helping son to save sons buisness is raging in my head…
everything just feels like its mounting up. and I feel like I’m suffocating and struggling to see a way through…I’m missing hubby so badly…just want him hear by my side the yearning to be with him is so strong…but I cant do that to my children…I lost my mum to suicide when I was 16…I would never put my children through that or break my promise I made to my hubby .
I just can’t see a way through the worry and heartbreak

[Susie123]

Hello Angiecb, I am so sorry that your soul mate left and now you are in a nightmare of stress. Those first few months are horrible with so many things to sort out and learn how to do and you have your son to think about, it’s will seem impossible to carry on but trust me you will.
Your husband seems to have been so very thoughtful and caring, he will be watching over you and will give you strength to deal with the important issues in your life.
The mountain of papers to deal with was the hardest thing I have had to learn about, like you I wasn’t prepared for how much there was but one day it seems to be all sorted and you can breathe again, yes it does happen you just have to believe that it will arrive soon. Unfortunately the powers that be don’t think how hard it is when you are grieving but everyone on this site have gone through this horrendous time, just hang in there. We are all here to support you and later on you will be able to think ‘I did it’ and know there’s very little that in future will seem impossible.
Small steps and try not to rush things. Take care and bless you for writing and being honest about how you feel that takes great courage. Sxx

[angiecb]

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I hadn’t intended to write about all my worrys…it just all came flooding out when I started writing.
Friends and family seem to have now drifted away now the funeral as happened, we was always a fairly private family unit…yes saw family but not lots…they all appeared towards the end to visit hubby which was nice…hubby wrote in his diarys he wanted everyone to come together…and never any hard feelings or regrets… I think it was his way of trying to make sure we had people around us after he passed.
They cane to the funeral then sort of all gone again…is it they arnt comfortable seeing our grief…to upset with there own grief…I don’t know which. and sometimes reaching out to others feels like the hardest thing to do. so me and the kids just plod along in our own little bubble .
Its been good to post on here , like a release of all the pent up worrys and upset.
Thank you for listening xx

[Sheila26]

Dear Angiecb

No need to apologise - we are all here for each other and to help in any way.

I have had the same experience since the funeral. Can count on one hand the number of people who have stayed in touch. My family are very supportive but one of my husband’s brothers has retreated to live his life to the full once again. I tell myself it is better to have a small number who you know you can rely on when needed. Like you say it is very hard for us to reach out - I gave up trying to contact those who said “just get in touch if there is anything you need” - just got upset when they never returned my calls. Not sure their motivations, perhaps it is that they are uncomfortable with our grief, perhaps it is the restrictions. You will come to know who you can really trust to be there when you need them.

Just keep on posting, we all understand what each other is going through.

Sheila

[angiecb]

Monday would of been Hubbys 57th Birthday, I named a star for him from me and the kids, we went to see eldest son and spent the day together which was lovely to have all the 4 children with me. we bought a birthday cake and sang Happy birthday to Keith in the hope somewhere up in the universe he heard us.
It was such a difficult day, I miss Keith so much , the heartache hurts so much that he’s no longer here with us.
Just before bed time I get so emotional . the emptiness of our bed, in a morning when I wake for a few seconds everything feels normal then the realisation hits all over again that he’s gone forever.
Monday I had a good cry and talk to my eldest sons future mum in law…she just listened whilst I talked about the diognoises of his rare brain tumors the 7 weeks we had together from diognoises to him dying…the battle we had to get the community nurses on board…the guilt of nit being able to make everything OK the guilt of i couldn’t save him …the feelings I have now, it all came out and I cried for hours. I needed it. .I was bottling it all up. his family when they occasionally visit never spoke about him they found it to painful i guess to listen to me and the journey we was on…but I needed to talk about him and the journey to process everything …did it make me feel better? nope I feel like I’m reliving everything each day… I’m trying so hard each day for my daughter and sons sake …but some days it takes all my energy just to start the day. its been 9 weeks since he died and still feels like it was only yesterday. feeling broken …like I won’t laugh ever again .

[Sheila26]

Dear angiecb

It really is a rollercoaster and just when we think we are coping - even a small amount - grief comes and smacks us in the face. It will have been difficult for you on Monday - I think your idea of naming a start after your husband was lovely. My husband’s birthday is on 24th of this month and I know it will be another challenge. Last year was his 60th and we had to cancel all the celebrations because of the lockdown with the intention of hopefully having a family get together this year. I sometimes still cannot believe that in less than a year everything was taken from me.

You have come this far after nine weeks and I understand how draining it can be but just continue to take one day at a time - an hour at a time if need be and talk to whoever is prepared to listen.

Take care.
Sheila

[angiecb]

Thank you Sheila, Yes I agree its definitely a emotional roller coaster, today was one of them days I didnt want to face anyone or speak to anyone, cried at every little thing…cried as I couldn’t find a grave pot suitable to go on his dads grave as his mum and brother want to put some ashes on his dads grave and they said I could purchase a grave pot to put on. Feel like I’m a compleate wreck and let down to everyone.
your so right though. we just have to take things day by day. even hour by hour. xx

[Sheila26]

Dear angiecb

My son does not understand that some days I just do not want to speak to anyone and keeps telling me I must. I will cope the best way that I feel able on any given day.

I am sorry that you were unable to find a suitable pot. Just another challenge that we would prefer not to be having to do. I went to the local recycling tip yesterday and just broke down on the way home - my husband would have done this or I would have been with him - I was only throwing the cuttings from the garden!

Sometimes when I am on the phone to my best friend or my husband’s best friend and crying I feel pathetic. But they are really good and give me plenty of support.

Take care
Sheila