Its been over 3 weeks since my hubbys funeral, he died on the 3/2/21. He was diognoised with 2 brain tumors in December, in January we found out how rare and aggressive they was and given the prognosis of just a few months to live…no treatment, to advanced .
He was so Brave and the December and January we tried to make as many new happy memories as we could…for the children, for each other.
He was so determined he would fight the gremlins as he called them to be with us longer, was scary and heartbreaking to see how quickly the Tumors took hold of him, the symptoms…the battle to get support, he wished to die at home and we carried that wish out…we cared for him together myself and children and tried to make his last hours special for him with us by his side telling him how much we loved him and thanking him for being the most amazing husband for giving me 27 year’s of love and of pure happiness and for being the most amazing dad to our children he was 56, we had been together 27 years , my soul mate, best friend and the most loving person I knew , he was such a devoted Dad to our amazing children, sons aged 27, 25 and 19 and our daughter aged 16, we did everything together as a family, so many dreams and plans we had but also plans for us as a couple now the kids where growing up.
I cant believe hes gone…he tried so hard to prepare us for what was to come…he started a diary…his journal that he wrote in each day…with instructions we could read it after his passing …beatiful inspiring words to us we will cherish.
I’m struggling…he askd me to be strong for the children… I’m trying to be…but inside I feel dead…alone and so lost without him by my side.
I made a promise to hubby I would always be there for the children …and I will, they are being amazingly strong and helped with all the arrangements and been by my side every step of the way ,
we was always such a close family and still very close to the children…but my confidence as gone in anything I do…feel so hopeless, useless. and scared of a future without him.
Hubby was always the one to mange the monthly household budget…he was good at that…now I’m struggling to deal with all the budget…finiances…paperwork…benefits…
I was a carer to my 16 year old daughter…and full time housewife/mum…we wasn’t rich…we got by…
Im finding all the universal credit confusing…the budgeting…now looking for full time job…so many worrys about 25 year old son little buisness as he took time of to help me at home with hubby and funeral etc and now his buisness is on the brink of collapse…with covid that hasn’t helped…hubby would know how to sort it all…keep thinking what to do…do I help him financially…but if I did that woukd leave us in a worse situation…hubbys works pension paid a lump sum payment and they paid his performance bonus…that means universal credit class it as income…it was used towards his funeral…so what money we have left needs to last us to run the home…I feel so stressed…taken advice from welfare rights…but this descioun over helping son to save sons buisness is raging in my head…
everything just feels like its mounting up. and I feel like I’m suffocating and struggling to see a way through…I’m missing hubby so badly…just want him hear by my side the yearning to be with him is so strong…but I cant do that to my children…I lost my mum to suicide when I was 16…I would never put my children through that or break my promise I made to my hubby .
I just can’t see a way through the worry and heartbreak