Hello, I am new to this community. My husband died in October 2023 then my brother, to whom I was very close, died a year later. I feel utterly wretched. I am retired, but go to the gym and to a running club, so I am often surrounded by friends and acquaintances, so I am not alone. But I am so lonely inside! My soul is lonely. I try to stay active, and I volunteer every week.
But people seem to think I have ‘got over it’, am ‘making a new life for myself’. I haven’t, and I’m not. I’m continuing with the life I had before, but with a big aching void in it. Whenever I do something I enjoy, people are pleased for me, as if they are patting me on the head as if to say - ‘Good girl, you’re getting over it!’ I don’t want to bore everyone rigid with my misery, but how long will it go on for? Does anyone else feel the same way?
Hi 2 years in April for me and feel just the same i call it excisting rather than living .Theres know way im going to get over the loss of Graham or move on grief will always be there but my life will grow round it and il learn to live a new life .My heart will always ache for him but i take every invite and opportunity that comes my way because i need to live and find happiness .This has been a journey made easier on this website where we all understand the pain grief brings so glad youve joined us and always herecto listen xx
It might seem bad news to suggest that you never “get over it” totally. So don’t sit waiting.
BUT it changes, and gets easier and easier to cope.
It’s now 3 years since my wife died, after 50 years together, and I never forget. She will always be part of me.
I’ve just been sitting in “her” chair in our conservatory, holding a cup of coffee, and more importantly, my favourite photo of her. I often do this
We’ve talked of our happy memories, our difficult times, what her dogs have got up to, what’s going wrong and right with my life, all sorts!
I’ve been calm, happy, even smiling, as I chat away. I can’t deny for short periods I feel emotional, but soon am back calm again. I love these sessions:two_hearts:
.
So ignore people who suggest you are getting over it. They mean well and want to think you are totally over it. But they don’t know, only you know. Expecting to TOTALLY get over it isn’t real life.
Plod on , be as positive as you can, it gets very tolerable if we let grief take it’s course.
Good luck
I could almost have written this post myself. My husband also died in October 2023 and I am also retired but joining in lots of activities. Friends seem to think I should be over it now. I had a counselling session last week and the counsellor said I was holding my grief in and should open up to friends how I really feel. But I really don’t think they want to know that I’m just existing. Maybe I didnt understand either before it happened
xxx
I don’t think it’s that they don’t want to know, more likely happier thinking you are happy as well, and don’t want to be upset thinking you are still suffering a bit. They still care.
I feel exactly the same way although my situation is different. My father passed away 9 years ago when I was 25, and I find it incredibly hard speaking about it now because everyone assumes I would be over it now, after 9 years. The bitter truth is I’m not and I don’t even want to be fully over it. Being fully “over it” somewhat means that you don’t love that person anymore, I would say, and I will always love my dad.
It’s good that you keep being active and spend time with friends, but I would try to spend a good portion of your time reflecting, by yourself. Looking at a picture of your husband and speaking with him could be an option. It might feel weird the first time “speaking to a photo”, but it will mean a lot more than that to you and nobody sees you in that moment anyways. Another possibility could be to look through old pictures and reliving those moments.
Spending time with friends is always good, but being sporty with them, especially with many friends at once, isn’t a great occassion to show yourself vulnerable and share how you really feel inside, I find. Is there a friend who you can invite over for tea and have time for a deeper conversation? That always helps me a lot more than meeting multiple friends at once.
The thing that has helped me most is that I realised how similar my character became to my dad through my upbringing. You might have developed certain character traits similar to your husband or would know exactly how he would react to some situations. This all means that we still carry them in us, and this gives me a lot of strength to live a life that would have made him proud.
Wishing you only the very best 