My mum’s funeral happened on 20th Dec a year ago (after she fought pancreatic cancer for 1.5 years, and other types of cancers for the last 10 years - she had the genetic mutation that made her a risk patient).
My remaining family (brother and his family + stepdad) live in Germany. I couldn’t bring myself to spend Christmas and New Year’s with them this year, not because it’s too raw, but because all of them are in denial. No one even mentions her name or recalls the good memories, keeping her legacy alive.
She died on 30th November last year and I went to her grave in Germany, again on my own. No one else goes there, it’s all hush hush. I stayed at my brother’s after the visit to her grave for a few days and felt so out of place. Unsure what I can and cannot say. Awkward silence whenever a mention of her slipped my lips.
Whenever I tried to bring that topic up or talk about her - even over the phone - all I got is “life goes on” and silence. I know everyone grieves differently and perhaps it is too hard for my brother to even mention her, but I just so so so miss having someone to talk to about her. To remember her. To think of all the good times. I don’t want to forget her and pretend she never existed.
Dealing with this on my own is probably the hardest part of this. As you can imagine, friends also can only accompany you as far as their understanding of the pain and loss goes.
So here I am, hoping to get advice/guidance/understanding on a virtual platform.
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I haven’t figured out how to handle it myself, but I can so relate. My brother doesn’t want to talk either and I don’t think it’s denial, it’s just the way he copes with the loss. But it’s awful and feels achingly lonely being the only one who wants to talk about memories and keep them alive. 
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