Hi, I lost my wonderful partner of 17 years, 3 weeks ago. I know it’s early days but I am really struggling. I manage to pull myself out of bed each morning and take my daughter to school. But that’s it. I spend my time sat on the sofa either staring at the wall or sobbing.
Work is wanting me to return next week, straight after the funeral. I really don’t think I can hold my own in a public environment. I’m filled with anxiety every time I’m away from my little girl but this is making me feel even worse. But because I don’t breakdown in public everyone thinks I’m fine.
@Vixi I am so sorry that you find yourself here. Honestly, this is way to soon for a return to work. When I lost my husband in August last year, I was off for three months.
Can you maybe take some time away, do they pay sick-pay? Please do keep reaching out, you will be supported here.
Thank You @Dottie72 I have made a doctor’s appointment for early next week. So hopefully they will support, as I do get a decent sick pay. I just feel so pressurised to return and just seeing my name on the rota causes my anxiety levels to rise.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It seems very soon to return to work. I’m know we are all different but I wasn’t ready and 3 months in I’m still only doing part time. I have been very lucky that my employer is very understanding.
Unless you have lost someone, it’s really hard to understand what someone is going through and you are still at the very early stages.
I hope you can sort out the work thing. If it’s financial, there are things you can claim to help you.
Ali
Do not be forced to go back so soon. I certainly could not have coped & and I work from home full-time. See your doctor and get signed off for a month, then you can re-visit again. Just be there for your little girl and be kind to yourself…
I was with my Martin for 17 years also, there are no words that will help, but reach out anytime.
Thank you @Ali29 it’s because we are so short staffed and I’ve only just been promoted. My boss is extremely supportive but not the hierarchy. I can’t even decide how. I am going to feel in an hour, nevermind next week.
I lost my wonderful partner of 17 years 10 weeks ago completely out of the blue. I barely got out of bed for weeks. I just lay in bed thinking about what had happened, what happens after death and how much I miss him. I was off work for 7 weeks. It took nearly 6 weeks for the funeral because he had to have a post mortem then I returned just over a week after the funeral. I’ve broken down a few times since I’ve been back but I’m mostly OK and can laugh and joke with colleagues. Sometimes someone will ask how I’m doing and I’ll just break down. I’ll shed a few tears then compose myself then I’ll be ok for the rest of the shift until I get in the car to go home then I know I’m ok to let it all out on my drive home. It’s become a habit to let the days emotions out on the drive home. At seven weeks I was ready to go back to work. I needed something to keep my mind occupied and I’m glad I went back. To be fair my workplace paid me in full for the seven weeks and didn’t pressure me into going back. If I’d needed longer they said it would be fine and said I could just work two or four hours a day to build up to it if I needed to. I didn’t bother though, I just went back as normal.
For your workplace to want you back so soon is very insensitive. Even if his funeral had been at week three I wouldn’t have been able to return straight after the funeral. Week seven was pushing it but I knew my mind was going into dark places and I needed to try and stop that.
I don’t know what your financial situation is but if you can afford to take a bit longer off then I definitely wouldn’t rush back until you feel like you’re ready.
I couldn’t even be present in a conversation with anybody at week three. I’d be there, talking to people but my mind would be thinking about my OH. I was like a zombie.
For now you just need to think about you and your daughter. Nothing else really matters. I hope you’ll be OK x
@LostLil thank you. I’m proud of myself if I manage to get DD to school with her packed lunch, correct uniform for the day and suncream on. I usually forget one of them. I definitely wouldn’t put me in charge of anything complicated at the moment, as you said I’m not really in the room mentally,
I’m trying to help his oldest child deal with the.eatate as there was no will. But that’s another story.
Loosing my soul mate so suddenly and waiting for the results of the post mortem. It feels like I am still in a bad dream. But I will never wake up.
I know exactly how that feels
Waiting for the results of the post mortem was horrendous. It was assumed it was his heart and it actually was but the thoughts that went through my head were terrible. I kept wondering if someone had done something to him, had he been tripped up etc, so silly but I just couldn’t help it. I’d lie there crying wondering what the hell had happened to my baby. It made me think about the absolute torture the family of missing people must go through not knowing where their loved one is or what has happened to them. They must have all kinds of horrific thoughts going through their minds.
My OH had no will either. He’d always talk about doing one together with a funeral plan because his dad had died of a sudden heart attack so he knew how fragile life is. It’s always something you think about in the back of your mind but never really expect it to happen to you I’ve got an appointment soon to sort my will out now that he’s gone I need to make sure the house and money goes where it should after I die rather than my official next of kin who would be my real father who has never been around or my brother who would probably drink himself to death if he inherited some money.
I hope his post mortem results don’t take too long for you. As unmarried partners I was devastated that I had no legal rights to know how he had died. His mam is his next of kin so she got the phonecall, they only let me know because she asked them to
Do you get on well with his family and next of kin?
I’m so lucky that I get on with his sister and son. I had to tell them because the police came to me as I was his emergency contact on his phone. Once they realised we weren’t married it all changed.
I am supporting his son with contacting everyone as I have all the information but it has to be him as next of kin it is so frustrating. I feel like if I had something to focus on I would feel better.
I just keep replaying the moment in my head. Why wasn’t I there to help him? I miss him so much. Thank you for your kind words and giving.me some belief that this will get better .
@Vixi and @LostLil I don’t think you should return to work until YOU feel it’s right for you. It seems very insensitive to expect someone back so soon. If that’s your choice great but shouldn’t be pressurised. @Vixi I’m sure your doctor will not hesitate to sign you off. I told my doctor I had lost my husband recently and she gave me a line for a month without even seeing me. I went back to work about 3 weeks after but more just to get out of the house. I got no pressure and initially just went in for a coffee and a chat. Then gradually did a few hours more (I only work 2 days). That might be far too soon for some but it helps me and even now I’m not doing my work justice but I am at least there. Do whatever feels right for you. Sending hugs.
@Jan17 thank you. Im going to ask for just a couple of weeks after the funeral I think. Then ask if I can go back part time.I usually work 45 hours and I am customer facing all day. Build it back up. In one sense I want to get back to work, but I worry about my DD and and how I’m going to juggle.everything alone. I know once I start feeling more like myself I will sort it out. But right now I am suffocating with everything. But I really need to put everything away and just take care of me and DD. It’s the start of half term so hopefully I can manage to get out with her.
Im sorry to hear about your loss its been 3 months since i lost my husband suddenly after a simple knee replacement .my work was not bery understanding at all kept inviting me for back to work interview. Im still not ready to go back to work .im a support worker in mental heatlh .my mental health is so bad at this horrendous time .i would be unable to do my job the way it should be done .im just so much suffering in myself xx
@Janiceg1 I am so sorry for your loss and the way you are being treated. I really do think that bereavement leave is far too much a grey area and I don’t think many managers are trained in how to support us. Especially when you are people facing and surely they must appreciate for you to do your job well you need.to be in control of.your mental health.
I am sick of hearing I know how you feel I lost my mum,nan ,dog etc. I just want to scream no you don’t. He was my partner in crime, my soul mate, we chose each other and now he has been taken away. (Not that I am taking away the grief that comes with those deaths). Hopefully you have a supportive GP or practice nurse who will make sure you are looked after. I actually rang the doctors after my earlier messages and they gave me a month’s sick note. Keep going we can do this it just seems impossible at times. I’m sat in my garden with DD trying to be grateful for everything I have.
Life seems so cruel my heart is broken the last thing on my mind is back to work.im a support worker in mental health .how can i support and do my job professionally when im not able to cope with my own mental health x
@Janiceg1 please keep seeing your doctor and / or nurse. There is nobody truly understands how you feel. But we are all in this together. If we keep posting and talking to each other we will get there. I’m so early in this I have no control over my emotions. My DD is finally asleep so I can grieve again. I don’t hide my emotions from her but I don’t want her to see the emotional wreck I have become . Keep strong and do what is right for you.
I just wish everyone was understanding as you .my life has changed so much i dont know what im doing from 1 day to the next thank god we have this opportunity to share our feelings .its so good to know there is a listering ear and we all goibg through this painful time …
@vixi You’ve had some good advice - all I can add is your employers cannot go against a Doctor’s note and try to force/bully you back to work. Don’t go back - even for a few hours if you aren’t up to it. Also, when you do decide that the time is right, ask for a face to face with HR and insist on a phased return to help ease you back in. You’ll have to stand firm against them. If you’re in a union seek their assistance. Failing that, have a word with Citizen’s Advice if you need some support around work. Sue Ryder offer bereavement counselling and these forums are full of supportive people (counselling info here Online Bereavement Counselling Service | Sue Ryder). Your doctor should also be able to refer you for counselling but I’d bet there’s a waiting list unless you choose to go privately. Best wishes.
Ah thank you for your advice im really not up to going back to work .theline of work i do is support worker working with mental health .my own mental heath is more important.i lost my husband suddenly and still in shock to be honest .
So sorry for you loss . I feel your pain I really do. 9 weeks for me. Stuff work , if you don’t feel ready . Just get another sick note ( hope you get paid full amount of this is the case . How can people think after 3 weeks you can be ready to go back
Up to now I’ve been lucky & still not gone back , I’ve done tiny bits at home that come through my emails that I consider urgent, but my head is mashed , I cannot even get my words out properly at times so I’m not ready to go back yet .
I feel like I’ve turned into someone that cannot make decisions anymore & feel useless
I’ve got an appointment soon to sort my will out now that he’s gone I need to make sure the house and money goes where it should after I die rather than my official next of kin who would be my real father who has never been around or my brother who would probably drink himself to death if he inherited some money.
.
