" Everything happens for a reason..."

" Everything happens for a reason, " so the idiom keeps telling us but, for " what reason " am struggling to make any sense of this, over and over again, for what reason was my Richard my partner of 20 years suddenly taken from me…

Jackie…

Hi Jackie. I have always believed in that saying. Everything happens for a reason but for the life of me I can’t understand either why Brian had to leave me and I am having to struggle on without his love and support. I can’t understand why I have changing so much. I can’t understand why his family have totally abandoned me, when we had always got on so well. What is the reason for it all, I am waiting and hoping there will be an answer one day.

Pat xx

Oh and I forgot. I can understand that the Good Lord wanted my kind, thoughtful husband with him but for what reason did he have to make him suffer so much when I had prayed for years that he wouldn’t do this to him.

Dear Pattidot and all, I’ve not been looking at the forum lately, deciding I had better try living my own way for a while, to see if I ‘cope’ any better!

To some extent I think I coped quite well, but I have still had my ‘bad’ days, missing my beloved husband, so much, even after nineteen months since he died.

Returning the last two days to the Forum, and reading letters, I saw several familiar names, such you, Pat, and Sheila, and a few others. I note we are all grieving for our loved ones, but all trying to be positive where we can. Christmas is coming once again, the second for me without Alan. In days past I had always made a large family-sized Christmas cake - traditional rich fruit with home-made marzipan and decorating with icing. Everyone in my family liked this type of festive cake, so it was soon eaten! The last two years although I made the cake, I did not decorate it - didn’t have the same interest when Alan was ill in hospital, and last year, our first Christmas without him. This year, I have made up my mind that I will do the whole thing! Cake will be made in the next day or two., (it will have to be, now I’ve said that) then marzipanned and iced. I am fortunate that I will be at my daughter’s on Christmas Day, and next day my son and his wife will be coming to me. I know each of us will be enjoying Christmas as much as we can, but the thoughts of Alan will be with us.

I know some of you, write your own personal notes or diary, on how you spend your days. Up till now, I’ve usually put good or happy events in my diary, it is good to look back on when perhaps feeling a bit low. Like others have sometimes mentioned, you find yourself going out for the sake of it - not because you really feel like it, maybe to meet others in a social setting or see a personal friend, or just even to be served in a shop - the latter at least makes me think I’m still part of local life, even though Alan is no longer beside me. Another resolution for the coming year for me will to be consistent with getting out and about. Sometimes, I’ve tried really hard to do that, and sometimes given up and not gone out!

I do hope all of you manage to find and share some of the joy of the Christmas Season.

With love and best wishes.
Deidre

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Pat…
…i too have been totally abandoned by Richards family…I am by myself and coping with my MS body, and am hating this now lonely and empty life without my Richard by my side…How and why can 20 years come to its abrupt end so sudden is beyond belief…Well another " Ground Hog Day " is here…My - our home is now so empty and void of noise, movement, activity, life…

Jackie ((( hugs to all )))

Hi Deidre. I too gave it a try on being away from the forum but came back when i decided I needed to have a ‘chat’ with like minded people. There’s only so much you can overload onto family and friends but the forum is for us to share our innermost thoughts and to go with the flow and cope with each day as it comes. Sometimes we can offer help to each other, another time it’s just a ‘chat’ and occasionally we need a bit of encouragement ourselves.
Christmas is coming once again. Last year I had just lost Brian and it all went by in a blur although my family tried their best I can’t imagine I was the best of company and really preferred to be on my own. This year I have no idea yet how I will cope. I suppose I’m lucky that Brian and I were not big christmassy people. We went to family but really had got to the stage when we wanted to be quiet at home together. I remember my mother becoming like this and didn’t understand, now I do.

Your cake might seem like a simple thing, something you have probably done numerous times before but I have the feeling that this year it will be a little bit special because you once again have found the motivation to bake one again and that has got to be a step in the right direction. I know I feel pleased with myself if I manage something that I am struggling with even if I have done it loads of times before losing Brian.
I am a big ‘outdoors’ person and love to walk but have found more comfort in being alone with the dogs, perhaps having a chat with another dog walker has been my limit. I don’t go out because I feel the need. I am waiting for things to seem right and I can then enjoy socialising and not struggle with mindless conversations. I go to the allotments and meet some nice people there but have not been able to cope with social gatherings and although two have been recently cancelled because of weather I am going to make the effort next time, so I am feeling a bit more ready perhaps. Brian loved the allotment and served on the committee and always involved so I find it hard not being able to look around and see him there. It will be a big step for me if I can do it. I write to him every day and will be interested in looking back in the future to see what I wrote. I know I will be getting on his nerves if I keep whinging.
Best wishes to you and welcome back.

Pat xxx

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Hi Pat,Thank you for your kind letter. I understand all that you say, particularly about your not having Brian with you at the allotment meetings. Over the years Alan and I, in addition to enjoying bringing up our son and daughter, did so many things together, including attending various social adtivities, and group holidays once we reached ‘retirement’! It is those activities that I have difficulty returning to without him. I realise, even though I miss his wonderful company, I cannot stay in and become a hermit. Alan would not have wanted that for me, or I for him, had it been the other round. I still drive the car,but with an empty seat beside me. Alan used to drive until Parkinsons affected him. Though, for the sake of others reading this with Parkinsons, I will say he carried on with driving with the condition until it became too much, and thereafter I became our sole driver. On this line, I notice on the television advertisements for people with Parkinsos to dance, and this, fortunately, had been one of our life-long hobbies until the last few years of his life, and I’m convinced the love of ballroom dancing kept Alan going as long as it was possible. I do so miss, having the opportunity to ‘dress up’ and go dancing with Alan. We also did Barn Dancing, starting that when our chiildren were small, taking them with us. Such lovely memories.

I admire you for keeping an allotment. We were gardeners together, but mainly shrubs and flowers. Now my garden is a problem, because all the shrubs that we lovingly planted are on a steep slope, and I can no longer cope with them. So I pay someone to keep them tidy now. In fact, I have wondered whether to move house to obtain a flat garden, instead of the steep slope. But there again, I have my loving memories of Alan being here in my present home. However, I felt a bit better today, having returned to an Exercise class ‘for the elderly’ (dare I say it). The exercise certainly did my joints good, and I also sorted out a new telephone and broadband ‘deal’. I still haven’t baked the Christmas cake yet, but it is next on the ‘to do’ list. Lovely that you have your dogs to keep you company, and I note you like walking with them in the coutryside. We also loved the countryside, walking or, in earlier days, cycling! I hope your bad weather is improving and that you are able to keep taking those lovely dogs for good walks. Keep well. Deidre

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Deidre, so many wonderful memories. Brian and I loved our walking. I had walked for years with my dogs, so a seasoned walker and quite happy alone (with dogs of course). Brian walked for charity and used to lots of company but we got together and walking became important. Brian also had a boat and a keen sailor which I was certainly not. Bad traveller, always had been. I gave it a try and he kept shouting at me for not pulling the right ropes. I pointed out that I had been born in the midlands and we didn’t have yachts there. He was born on an Island. We took up cycling and all our holidays were walking or cycling. We even had a go at rock climbing. He was a singer in a band but a useless dancer whereas I love dancing, have a go at anything if there’s a tune to it. I’m back at a dance exercise session now and loving it. We both loved gardening but this did cause arguments when we first married as it was his garden. So we split the garden in the middle and kept to our own sides for years, then along came the allotments,(his and hers of course) we was so happy there and I miss him like crazy but he wanted me to carry on with it and I am doing so. It has turned out to be very therapeutic if hard work at times. I was trying to mend something last week and wasn’t tall enough to reach. I became so frustrated with myself and ended up crying (like I do these days). Brian was much taller than me and used to tell me to ‘go and grow some legs’. I remember the last time Brian drove the car just a couple of months before he died, this was also the last time we went shopping together. These memories stay with us don’t they.
Take care
Pat xx

Thank you, Deidre.x

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