Ex husband passed away

My ex husband and daughter’s father passed away in Feb. It was a complicated relationship when we split around 15 years. We loved and hated each other due to a few issues he had with gambling etc. It was quite messy at the time and convinced myself i really disliked him. Kids with mobiles etc arranging most of their visits themselves left no real need to have contact with him myself.
This has now become the biggest and saddest regret of my 50 years. He had stopped the gambling and all the bad stuff that destroyed us, only very recently, a few years and i didn’t know (why would i or should i) He has made himself into a great person and made a difference volunteering for charities etc and for the first time got his own actual home rather than with his parents or mates. Took a while BUT he did it all, he became his best person.
Since he became ill and passed away I can not get my head around us not speaking and now all i want to do is tell him i love him still and never hated him but we just could not live together for ourselves or kids. He never settled down with anyone else where as i got married. It’s been a good marriage, really good but this has really messed my head up.
I have had several dreams where he was really poorly but i managed to speak to him and hug him etc, wake up crying in the middle of the night. It’s really hit me so hard and i’m starting to hate myself and feel so guilty for him and also for my husband now. Has my life been fake since we split. i would give anything to speak to him or see him…… Why? I’m a mess
I went to the chapel of rest, he looked as beautiful as i remember, I went to the funeral to be told too many times oh he still loved you, he was full of regret how he treated you etc. Not really helpful. It’s lovely but also horrible at the same time. I don’t want to think of him dying with regret. I did get a message to him
in the hospice through my daughter and just said please tell him everything is good, i’ve no grudges and i will look after our girl.

Please can somebody tell me this gets easier and that i’m not going mad or even that my life since splitting up hasn’t been fake.
I loved him so so much back then and every feeling seems to have come back, it’s like i feel as if i’m having a flipping affair in my head. That’s the only way i can explain it.

People don’t really understand and i get comments like “i bet you don’t even know why your sad” I want to scream, I want him here, I want to give him the biggest hug and never let go.

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you are in deep grief. that is what this is. he was your husband and he died. no surprise. you must go though the grief process. and it is not an affair. what sort of person would you be if you did not grieve so deeply. :heart:

gambling is a deal breaker in a relationship. do not feel guilt for that. and talking to someone you love with addiction is hard.

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I am so sorry for your loss and that you are struggling so much now Many people on this site will identify with your situation Guilt is a very negative and destructive emotion Don t hold on to it Guilt is only there to remind you not make the same error again do not allow it to ruin the rest if your life You need to let it go and accept the situation for what it is Meditation can help sometimes to calm your mind Be patience things will change Please learn some relaxation and meditation techniques there are plenty of online courses I found it really helpful me a lot
You are not responsible for the self destructive decisions your ex partner made in the past and the effect it had on your relationship Of course it is very sad and upsetting he died before you two could resolve your issues to both satisfactions
But I am sure he would not want you to feel so stressed and would want you to be able to live a calm and fulfilled life. Be at peace and free from suffering