My ex boyfriend was my only true love and we split up years ago and he died 12 months ago and I feel like because I wasn’t in a relationship with him when he died that my feelings are not valid or important and like my greif will almost be classed as my pain is less because he wasn’t with me when it happened. But you see he was 25 when I got with him and he suffered a severe stroke and I had to look after him for as long as was possible because I was mistreated by him due to his mental health issues and trying to learn a new way of living with no voice and not being able to walk properly or even use his phone or text. His brain couldn’t register that a football by words and an actual physical football could be the same thing he couldn’t grasp that. So he got angry understandably and he was hurting so badly but he was hurting me and I had to leave and I never got past that. That I had to leave to save my sanity or he’d take me down with him. Can you imagine what that felt like to leave him so vulnerable. I never got over it and I cried most days because I felt I was grieving for who he was and trying to get my head around the ultimate decision of leaving him. I didn’t do it lightly trust that please. And then 7 years later after a downward spiral he was found dead. I was told 6 months after he died. I have his picture and a beautiful bird box engraved beside my bed and I cry myself to sleep and I picture his beautiful smile and remember his love for me before his stroke and I am heartbroken this heart break has never stopped since the day he had his stroke and I have missed him every day since and my soul hurts like always and I can’t get my head around this pain because I feel like he was so young and I did make the right choice by leaving because he was nasty and impulsive and had no time or consideration for my feelings or any ones for obvious reasons he was hurting and that is why I feel so sad. I want to scream and I often do, into my pillow hard and loud and heart wrenching pain comes out and it does subside but it’s always there. My broken heart and his beautiful face I wish I could hold him one more time and kiss him and tell him I miss him and love him so much. My grief doesn’t feel straight forward like clear it feels messed up and almost like I don’t deserve to be feeling this way because I wasn’t with him when it happened but I know I was the love of his life also but the stroke changed everything for us both and it ended us. I morn the Darren before his stroke during his stroke and the death that followed. I love you Darren
Hello @Dazgem ,
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling very confused about your grief. Your pain and your feelings are valid and important. I’m so sorry to hear about Ex - boyfriend. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.
Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.