So this is something I’ve been trying to work on for a few years now.
My partner, Paula, was my only friend. It’s something we both new to be true. Last few years I have been trying to work on my social circle. It’s been an epic fail.
Let me get one thing straight. I am not looking to replace Paula, or looking for any romantic nonsense. Paula is the one I love.
May help if I explain that I am probably what people would call introverted. I don’t like loud, busy and over stimulating environments. I do find I am happy to spend alot of time on my own.
Not a fan of pubs,clubs, sports, Facebook, whatever nonsense is on the TV and I really can’t do small talk.
I don’t mind, even like being around people. Better in small groups. But I do feel drained afterwards so do withdraw to recharge. I think people think I’m antisocial.
I attend church each Sunday and have made what I would at best call ‘people I know’.
Have tried joining groups for things I’m interested in. Like a local bird watching group. Which seems a lot more complicated to join than you’d imagine if you could see the very long winded joining email on joining. And being on Facebook seems to be part of the criteria. I get that it’s probably a good platform to organise things on. I just found facebook stressful, so don’t use it.
So how do people make new friends ?
I’ve a feeling I am a huge part of the problem. I feel the need to be around people. But feel drained when I’m around people so withdraw to recharge.
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Hi @Twoflower
I have also being trying to make new friends since my husband died 9 months ago . I have tried talking tables which is hit and miss and they can be a bit clickishh.
I also don’t do facebook , the only social media I do is on here . I have recently joined the U3A they are really friendly and welcoming and have lots of activities to choose from . They have them all over the country so why not try them. Good luck
It is such a shame every one on here is spread all over the country and beyond.
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Hi, Sorry for your loss, I lost my partner nine months ago and still struggle. Thankfully I have my sister and a couple of friends I keep in touch with, but I ve known them for a long time. I don’t make friends easily, I’m an introvert too. I haven’t been out much since my partner died suddenly, just the odd lunch or visit, and I’m ok with that.
My friend has invited me to her daughter’s 40th birthday meal in a local restaurant. There’s going to be around 30 people including kids and I just can’t face it’s too overwhelming. I just can’t smile and make polite conversation the way I m feeling, plus it’s a family occasion. I’ve declined the offer but I really don’t think she understands at all.
I get what you’re saying about social media platforms like Facebook. It took me a while to find my way around it, and now I don’t use it much at all since my partner died. I still watch TV but mostly my soaps, history programmes and I ve only just recently started watching the news again. Have you made any friends from your birdwatching group? You’re correct in saying if you join a group, it’s something you have to be interested in although others on this site have tried different things and it’s worked out. After my partner died I realised just how much I relied on him.. Hope you find a suitable friendship group soon. Take care.
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Hi Twoflower I have been thinking about your problem which is remarkable similar to mine and I think that making friends is very difficult especially at my age because most people have already got a full house so to speak. Joining groups is ok but it’s difficult to get past the pleasantries into something more solid especially if you are someone without a charismatic personality. I therefore think it’s probably best to find someone in the same situation. Through a normal bereavement group or a walking with grief group I think it must be possible to find someone like yourself or like myself who is terribly lonely because they have spent their lives totally happy with only one friend in the world and now like you or me are feeling extremely lonely.
Certainly if I lived in England I would like to try the walking with grief. It sounds like a good way to meet people and it’s not that you need or want lots of friends but to have some to meet every so often for a chat or to do some activities with.
Wishing you all the best
Tom
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I just go out smile and talk to ladies, if you pleasant,look smart they talk to you, I’ve got a few female friends I can go out with,better than stuck in on own ,getting stressed,anxiety,grieving,
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Hello Twoflower,
Although my bereavement isn’t from losing a partner, I can relate to how grief can make your world feel much smaller.
In 2013, my dad had a stroke and I took time away from work to help care for him. What I thought would be a short break became four years. It was always Mom and me supporting him, and we noticed that many friends and acquaintances gradually drifted away, although thankfully a few stayed in touch.
After Dad passed in 2017, Mom and I became even closer. She wasn’t just my mom; she was my best friend too. Losing her at the end of last year has left me feeling incredibly lonely as I try to work out what life looks like without either of my parents or any siblings. People have said, “At least you have your freedom now,” but I never felt I lacked freedom—I simply loved having wonderful parents and was so grateful for the relationship Mom and I shared.
I’m still learning through trial and error what helps. I work hybrid, so I’m in the office twice a week, but the rest of the time I’m at home, which can feel isolating. I’ve found that starting small helps: going for a walk each day, taking myself food shopping, and even having a quick chat with the person at the checkout can make me feel a little more connected.
I noticed you mentioned birdwatching, and I wondered whether building on an interest you already have might help. It’s a shame the group wasn’t what you hoped for, but perhaps something like habitat restoration or nest box building and monitoring could be a good fit. Those kinds of activities let you be around other people with a shared purpose while still focusing on your own task, which can feel like a gentle way to stay connected.
I hope you find something that feels right for you.
Katherine
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Hi spike I think you are one of a kind. Obviously you are a magnet for women. I think my magnet works with batteries that are long out of charge.
All the best
Tom
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Hi MissK your idea about similar hobbies sounds like a good idea. The truth is there are so many little hobby groups in England for all sorts of things that it’s worth trying out various. I wish I was there, maybe one day I will be.
All the best
Tom
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Hi all
Thanks for the replies.
I didn’t realise quite how much I relied on Paula. And now find myself with plenty of spare time on my hands.
I know I need to make more of an effort to put myself out there. It goes very much against my introverted self, I’m also out of practice. And I’ve reached an age where I feel out of touch with the world.
The local bird watching group doesn’t meet up until September at a local church hall. I think they organise outings through the dreaded Facebook.
Have picked up a couple ideas from local community noticeboards (who needs Facebook!).
Guess it’s just perseverance.
Hi Katherine, sorry for the loss of both your parents. It’s shocking that someone said that you have your freedom now. Some people just open their mouths and don’t think how hurtful their remarks are.. Do you have any other extended family members who you could lean on? I’ve always found my cousins to be helpful and supportive. Take care.
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Hi Twoflower,
It’s encouraging to hear that you’ve picked up some information from a community notice board.
I’m a fan of checking them out at supermarkets. I even found a “sip and paint” art class advertised at my local pub. I love the idea—I just need to find the courage to attend!
I truly wish you well and hope to hear how you’re getting on.
Best wishes,
Katherine
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Hi Norma1,
Thank you for reaching out.
I really appreciate your acknowledgement of what people say.
I do have cousins. We’ve never been the closest; however, a WhatsApp group has been set up, and I do join in. We even have a family event coming up at the start of August. I’m now on a mission to trim up after months of comfort eating and a few too many Pinot Noirs! That, in itself, is a whole other forum, I’m sure. 
I’m so glad you have cousins who are helpful and supportive. Those kinds of connections can be such a comfort, and it sounds like you really value them.
I’m hoping this family gathering might be an opportunity for me to reconnect a little more with mine. You never know where these things might lead.
Wishing you all the very best, and thank you again for your thoughtful message.
Warm wishes,
Katherine
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