Hi all,
I lost my husband in August. I have 2 young kids. I’m kinda struggling especially today. Wanted them to have some kind of Xmas but went out to get food shopping and it was so very hard. I just cried so much in the car. At the beginning I think I sensed him, had some signs and now I don’t and I feel very alone and lonely. I was a sahm so I don’t really have work friends or many people to turn to although some neighbours been kind. In my free time I just made music and did creative things but made no money at that and now I can’t create anything because it’s like I can’t stop thinking about him. I feel a bit like looking into the abyss. Is this it? I thought I was a quite spiritual person and now I just feel empty and feeling like life is pointless. Like there were definitely signs but now I think maybe I was just imagining it because why would they go? I feel like get my kids to 18 and let me be done with this. I like when I fall asleep and always hope to connect with him in dreams (doesn’t happen) and then I wake up around the time he died and there’s that peace when you sleep and then that split second where you think it’s a normal day and then it hits you like a brick. I don’t really want to be here anymore but I guess I have to for the kids ofc but I still feel it that way. 4 months in and I feel worse. I don’t even have a career to turn to I just raised my kids. He was an amazing husband and dad and let me do this and we were all so close. I feel in a way the kids are doing better than me. Feel broken. I feel like I spend a lot of my time looking at stuff about afterlife stuff. I always felt a bit like I was only 1 foot in this world, I felt I met him before like everything in my life led me to him. We were pretty unconventional and eccentric I guess you could say. Very matched on humour, wavelength, vibration whatever but now I suddenly feel firmly pushed into ‘reality’ and I’m sort of not used to it and it feels cold and alienating and I hate it. I feel lost from my soul I guess right now. I always had synchronicities in life. I always lived my life according to what I picked up intuitively, I even kind of felt it, that something was going to happen but I didn’t know who and I was worried it was the kids. Anyone relate?
Hello SpacePetal
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. In the meantime, you may wish to look at these Sue Ryder resources which might be helpful.
- Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
- Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
- Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
- Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Rhi
SpacePetal, you are not alone in wondering why this has happened. I lost my wife so quickly five weeks ago that the whole of her family and friends are still reeling from the shock. She was a committed Christian, a Professed Franciscan, the local minister of the Secular Franciscan Order, a regular church goer, a reader and an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion in her Catholic church, a chorister and soloist among other things. We have no idea why she was taken so suddenly, except that she died on the very day, almost to the hour, when she was to stand down as the SFO Fraternity Minister. So it’s almost like her work was done? We can only hope that she is where her beliefs would mean she is now. I have to believe in what she believed in or wouldn’t be able to comprehend what’s happened or why. None of us really know 100%, but my own mother had an ‘out of body’ experience when in hospital a number of years ago, and she recounted to us later everything that had happened during her operation. She said she was watching everything from the corner of the ceiling. I hold on to the hope and belief that things will get better in time.
God bless, with much love. M
Spacepetal. I don’t know why but you came into my mind this morning. When we spoke around Christmas, my username was just Marnee, but I changed it when I felt comfortable using my real first name, Nigel.
I hope you and your family have managed to feel less devastated than before, and that life is less stressful than it was. It’s hard to put into words that don’t sound totally crass, but what I am trying to say is how are you doing? From my own experience I know the answer to that question, but I do now normally have more good days than bad days, and certainly more good days than back last December. I hope you are too.
God bless. Nigel xxxx
Hi Nigel,
Ah what a nice surprise that you contacted me. Lovely to hear from you. I’m glad to hear that you are having a few better days at least. It does come in waves doesn’t it? Sometimes you don’t know what you are going to get when you wake up. I’m really touched by your lovely message. It’s so very kind. Yes we are trying to make the best of it, ‘grinding on’ as my husband would have said. I’m trying to do lots of positive, peaceful things which I actually feel are guided by him as I never thought of some of them before. I spend quite a bit of time in the park with my dogs just listening to the birds. I have an app which lets you record birds and then it tells you what they are. I also started to play my husband’s flute so taking some lessons and I feel very connected to him through that actually. Today I went to get some pots and seeds to grow some flowers for him over the summer. I’m not a natural gardener so we’ll have to see how that goes! Other than that running the kids about who are doing as well as I can hope really. Hope you have some family around you right now. 7 months on and I do think although I don’t feel his presence all the time there have definitely been specific things which makes me think they are there and sometimes it can be quite present and then at others it’s more like guidance. Much love to you and thank you again. I really appreciate it. God Bless xx
Hi SpacePetal, I’m pleased to hear you and the children are doing as well as can be expected. It must be so hard on them too. Also that you’re finding positive things to do - keeping busy is, I find, a great help. I particularly like that you are taking up your husband’s flute. Good luck with the lessons and I hope you get really good at playing. I’m trying to recall all my piano lessons from way back, as I learnt to Grade 8 but it’s many years ago. I need to find some really easy pieces - and some time - and hopefully can then progress. I’ve a lovely electric piano that Mary loved to play and sing along to.
I’m hugely lucky to have all my family within 3 miles of me - 19 of them in total - with my youngest daughter and her family living literally next door and my youngest son 200 yards away. I’m so very frequently included in what they are doing, such as dinner with my eldest daughter last night. I hope you have family nearby too.
Take car. Much love to you all. Nigel xxxx
Hi SpacePetal
Something prompted me to contact you today to check up on how you are managing. My Mary? My Nephew? I don’t know but then I also realised you are somewhere around the anniversary of losing your wonderful husband. I mention my nephew as he’s been battling cancer for 4 years and is very sadly in his likely final days. He is 39, married for just over 2 years and has two young daughters aged just 8 and nearly 4. He will leave a wife and two young children rather like your own family situation.
Anyway I just wanted to send you my very best wishes and hope that you get through this anniversary relatively unscathed. I’m just at 9 months next Sunday, so still have a way to go to the 1 year point, and I have no idea what that is going to hold for me and my family. So I can only guess how you are managing.
Sending hugs to you all, and blessings to you all too.
Look after yourself, much love. Nigel
Hi Nigel,
How lovely of you to contact me and apologies for the delay in replying. I seem to be constantly ferrying the kids around. Will be glad when the older one can drive. She is learning at the moment. I’ve often thought about you and your wife and hope you are doing as best as you can. I’m so sorry to hear about your nephew that’s such a sad situation for his wife and his kids bless them. So young. All I can say from my experience is that I feel like I’m not sure our partners ever really leave us in a way. I expected to just be left with memories but it feels more than that, almost a quiet presence. Although I wish every day he was here there is almost a quiet guidance (?) I guess I don’t know it’s hard to explain, more of a feeling I suppose and hopefully that doesn’t sound too crazy. So I hope your nephew’s wife will feel that too. I will be thinking of them. It will be a year this weekend for us and I think we’ve done as well as we can. The kids are ok. My daughter has thrown herself into her fitness and my son has a nice little friend group and I’m always around for them. I think for me the evening is the worst time but I’m still playing his flute and that makes me feel connected and music can be very healing I think. I hope you are ok and sending your family lots of love at positive thoughts
SpacePetal. There is no need to apologise. I’m just pleased to hear that your children are doing so well, and you too. I’m currently in a hotel near where most of my family are holidaying - 17 out of the 20 of us, plus a couple of girl/boy friends and 5 other friends as well. I’ll be cycling over to see them all shortly.
It’s a very difficult time here as sadly my nephew died yesterday, and we all know how that hits a spouse and children, as well as family. I’ve been sitting with tears streaming this morning - it brings everything back from last November!
I really hope your weekend is better than however you think it is going to be. I think that is what we all have to hope for.
Take care. Much love.xxxx
Ah that’s so sad and I know as you do that there’s nothing you can say to make it better or take it away. I’m really so sorry to hear this. Sending the whole family a big hug and especially the little ones. Bless you all and may you all get some divine strength at this time. Xx
Thank you. No, there is nothing one can say. He was laughing and joking right to the end - even suggesting Highway to Hell by ACDC for his funeral! He did give three suggestions though and the family have chosen Back to Black.
Take care xxxx
Hi SpacePetal
It’s around a year since we last spoke. I know it must be around your husband’s anniversary, so hope it’s not an inappropriate time to contact you. It’s actually the 21 month anniversary of my wife today, and I remembered yours was round now too.
I wonder if your eldest daughter passed her driving test? I hope so and that has meant a reduction in ferrying them around. I still act as grandad cabs for my family so will be back to that shortly. How is your flute playing coming along? I hope your children are managing well too, with fitness and with friends.
I’m managing as well as I can expect with lots of help from family and friends, especially on here. As I was at this time last year I am away, but without any family with me this time so it’s a bit different to normal. My nephew’s family had a very difficult time last week on their first anniversary. Where has that time gone?
I expect like most of us, me included, you have some good and some not so good days, but I hope that overall things are a bit more positive.
One thing that I do have to look forward to is to become a great grandad in January. Not that that in any way makes up for the loss of my wife, but something to look forward to is better than not much, or nothing.
I expect you have had difficulty with your gardening this summer! Hopefully you have ended up with at least some lovely flowers.
Hoping you are still feeling the presence and guidance from your husband. Much love to you and your children. God bless.
Nigel
xxxx
Hi Nigel,
How thoughtful of you to contact me. Yes it was 2 years last weekend. I remember it was the same time with your wife bless her. Still hard, getting used to it slowly but I definitely feel that he is here but not at the same time. There is always his presence. Sometimes things happen that I think oh Jim must be steering us towards doing that. For example he liked sailing and built a little dinghy boat once. My daughter and I decided to do a sailing course. It’s fun but we’ve fallen out a lot and feeling a bit bruised this week!
I still make him a coffee in the morning that’s my ‘thing’. Hopefully he appreciates it with the extortionate cost of a jar of coffee these days! Still playing flute and I’ve got better at that so no one is wincing at the tone. It makes me feel very connected to him. I also went back to playing some things on the piano.
The kids are ok. I think they’ve done better than I could have hoped. I was worried they’d go off the rails but they’ve been ok. My son has a nice group of friends and has spent a lot of time at the beach with them so that has been very positive. He also joined a local U16 rugby club. Never seemed to have an interest before but I’m laughing because that is something I think Jim must be organising! Skye passed her driving test this week so I am off the hook for dropping her off constantly. She’s very pleased and has a little mini. She’s thrown herself into her fitness so she’s pleased she now has an excuse with her friends to be designated driver as she’s not much of a drinker. She started an Open Uni degree in Economics. Unsure whether she will do anything with it but she won’t have debt as it’s a fraction of the cost and the piece of paper might be useful if she decided to live abroad. Again I think we were having direction from Jim with the maths and stats components!
Ah I’m so sorry that your nephew’s family have to go through all this to. I shall think of them in my prayers. Such a sad situation.
Fab news about another grandchild coming though. Congratulations. I’m sure your lovely wife has blessed that.
My garden is looking nice. Not my doing. My dad has been pottering around in it. He was an engineer in the steel works all his life and must have a project! He can’t just sit and read a book or watch TV. He always has to be fixing something which is good for me.
I go out most mornings with the dogs as I live next to a park. The dogs have been good for helping me with Jim. It has been nice to get out in nature, especially with the sunshine. The chocolate lab can be a handful. You have to spot the picnic and get her on the lead before she does. But they’ve been very good for me.
Anyway, really lovely to hear from you. Keep in touch with your news and all the best with the birth. I will be thinking of you all including your wife.
God Bless you all
Nicola x
Hi Nicola
Apologies for the late reply as I have been proof reading a book of poetry I am publishing. It’s hard work and extremely tiring but I’m looking forward to the paper back publication - probably next month. It’s all poems my friends on SR and I wrote in 2025, with a few of my mum’s as well. I’m sure Mary had a hand in me starting it as I had never written a poem until the one I did for 1 January 2025. I found it an amazing outlet for my emotions and other widow friends have found it helped them as well.
At first I thought you had fallen out with your daughter - then realised you meant fallen out of the boat! 
I’m glad you are having fun - we all need as much of that as we can get.
How lovely to make Jim a coffee in the mornings. Do you end up drinking two cups? I’m so pleased you have kept up the flute and gone back to the piano. I’ve been trying to get to play the piano Mary had, but lack of time is making it difficult. I used to play when I was young and got to grade 8 but have forgotten so much since then.
I’ve found my kids and grandchildren have been very resilient. I was quite surprised. Wow your two are getting into lots. one of my grandchildren plays rugby for Kent, and is going to Bath Uni where there is good rugby for him to continue whilst he is away. Congratulations to Skye. I hope she enjoys driving and stays safe. I tend to be Grandad Cabs to keep alcohol intake down. It’s so easy to have a drink when on my own! Economics is always a good background to lots of things.
Thank you - yes it’s sad for my nephew’s family - two young girls as well. My sister is really struggling. Last week was also the anniversary of my niece (my brother’s daughter) committing suicide. My only daughter died before I met Mary (well in a romantic way as we had been next door neighbours) and strangely that was on Mary’s birthday, which is also 9/11. Not the best day for me as you will guess.
The only TV I have watched, pretty much, is the Formula 1 Grand Prix when that is on. Still can’t watch anything we watched together. How lovely to have your dad local to help you with things. My family are all within 4 miles - one literally next door. Both my daughters have got dogs (well puppies) this year which is fun for them. I don’t have pets as I spend a lot of time here at my home in France, but I do have two cats that come round. One of which literally knocks at my back door to come in for a while. The fun without the responsibility.
I’ve neighbours coming to lunch tomorrow - the first time I’ve done that - and am looking forward to it although there are some nerves as well. I’m doing something I have done many times before for Mary and me as I don’t want to mess things up. Thai stir-fried minced beef and rice with Apple Tart cream and ice-cream for desert. 
It was lovely to hear what has been going on you you and your children.
Take care all of you.
xxxx
Hi Nigel,
I do want to reply properly and hopefully will have some time over the weekend. I’ve been thinking about you today and especially because today must be extra hard for you so sending you lots of positive thoughts and blessings. Hopefully you have been with family today but big hug from us
Nicola xx
Hi Nicola. Thank you so much for your post. Although today was hard, I went out with our four children tonight. We had a lovely meal in a local Italian restaurant that we also went to last year. It was the last restaurant Mary went to with her girls, and in fact the last restaurant meal she had. I am glad she spent that last meal out with her girls.
Hug gratefully accepted - thank you.
Take care.
Nigel xxxx