Hello, my husband collapsed and died suddenly wuthout warning 10 days ago. We haven’t had the funeral yet. My main issue is the anxiety I’m constantly feeling and a dread of the funeral, having to make small talk with people I haven’t seen for years when I’m feeling the worst I’ve ever felt. I don’t find that easy at the best of times. Has anyone got any hints or tips for getting through it? He was a lovely man, very well liked and respected and I don’t want to let him down. I believe the funeral will be very well attended, but the reality of it all hasn’t even sunk in for me yet. My heart and stomach do flips every time I remember he’s gone.
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All I can suggest is put one foot in front of the other and go with it. You can’t plan for this, this is a day you never ever plan for, it’s not something you ever considered doing yet.
I dreaded the day but actually it was ok. We did him justice and he would have been proud of us and thanked us, if he could.
The days that follow were worse for me. The realisation he was definitely not coming back.
One thing is guaranteed, you’ll get through it. The days keep coming and we keep getting through them.
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@Siouxsie I was the same, very much caught up in the unending anticipation. The day is something I very much hold tight now. It’s a difficult road before you, no two ways about that unfortunately, but as @Ali29 says, one step then the next, the day can be ok, things come together.
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The first thing to remember is that all the people are going to be there because your husband touched their lives and they will be supporting you. My wife died very suddenly and we haven’t had her funeral yet, so I share your apprehension. If you have children, siblings or very good friends, tell them how you are feeling and perhaps they could shield you a little. Good luck
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Hiya. I’m so sorry for your loss and the harrowing situation you find yourself in. My gorgeous Alan collapsed with no warning just before Christmas so I was in the same situation just a few short weeks ago. The funeral was a month ago and I was absolutely dreading it. But I made the decision not to worry about anyone except my close family, myself and Alan. So we had a humanist service with no hymns, no prayers and lots of music that we both loved. We finished with ‘highway to hell’. He would have found that hilarious. Some of the distant relatives were muttering but who cares. It wasn’t for them. I look back on it now and it has taken on a dreamlike quality. But it was fab. If I have any advice it’s just go with what you feel is right. And don’t worry about your decisions because there are no rules. Whatever you and your lovely husband would want is all that matters. You absolutely will not let him down. I suspect he is already so proud of you. Take care, much love x
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Don’t worry about small talk. People won’t expect it. Think about what you and your loved one would want and need. If like my husbands funeral your family will provide a protective barrier.
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@Siouxsie i was dreading my husband’s funeral too. A neighbour who had lost her partner told me she carried a handkerchief of his in her pocket and every time she started to struggle she touched it. I did this too and it did help.
As at every funeral I think there will be tears but laughter too, and your family and friends are there to support you.
Let us know how you get on.
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My wife’s funeral was held two weeks after she passed away. Those two weeks became a mission for my adult kids and I to prepare it in the best, most fitting way for her. I am not going to pretend it was an enjoyable experience but it felt like we were doing her proud by making it as unique and personal as we could for her. It was a humanist service with our choice of music, photos, memories and anecdotes about her. I was utterly dreading the day right up until the funeral car came to pick us up at the house. As soon as I was in the car I felt very calm, just knowing that the following few hours were going to be a very fitting tribute to my wonderful wife and their amazing mum. It was and we all took a great deal of comfort from this as well.
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Thank you everyone for your messages of support and advice. It helps to know that so many have shared this horrendous experience and somehow are still here, still going on. Much love to you all.
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Siouxsie, you won’t let him down. People at the funeral will be kind and supportive, and they know you won’t be up to conversation. I didn’t have a gathering after John’s funeral as I couldn’t face small talk; instead I organised a celebration of his life some weeks later when I was feeling a tiny bit stronger.
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