After losing my daughter in October 2024, and managing to endure the awful time of Christmas, I was determined to start looking after myself. Because it was cancer and we had known since March that my girl was terminal, I concentrated on doing what I could for her, spending time with her, and wasn’t looking after myself. After she passed my GP put me on an antidepressant which started off ok, but the side effects did not agree with me. One of those was weight gain, something to do with the drug affected the chemical in the brain that tells you when you are full up. I put on a stone in the 4 weeks I was on them. I was already overweight and this was horrid, slowed me right down, makes me feel so uncomfortable. I have always been a comfort eater when stressed, and there has been no greater stress. The agony of not having her here with me is crippling, the thought of some kind of future without her in it is unbearable, and I find myself reacting to this by eating more. All my life seems to consist of is eating too much, smoking, feeling in such pain and distress, just a repeated cycle of reactive behaviour. I really don’t want to be like this, I want to get healthier, eat better, exercise, be more active, but as I think of my life without her, and the fact that nothing can change that, that the longing for her is endless, I feel why bother. Carrying around the constant sadness and pain is exhausting, I feel as if I am just waiting to be with her, just surviving. There’s no peace, no joy. I know this is the grief, and that there are days that will be a little better, but right now I feel as though I just don’t care about myself. Let’s hope tomorrow will be a better today because this is so bloody exhausting.
Hello lovely. Please be kind to yourself, you’ve been through hell.
I think antidepressants are both a nightmare and a blessing at the same time. I was in a similar situation and had to force myself to start exercising, just walking once a day or joining the gym and going for an hour a few times a week. After a few weeks I felt a difference in that my mood was a tiny bit better afterwards and I felt more able to function.
Your dose may need adjusting or trying another type of antidepressant, your GP should help and can do free gym referrals in some areas. X
Vicky, thank you for replying. The doctor did take me off it and put me on a different one which seems to suit me better, and is one that can be increased if necessary, but think it’s ok at the moment. I do go for walks sometimes, and you are right, once you’ve done it you seem to be a little lifted. There is an activity guy, who I was referred by my counsellor, and he is calling me on 6th Jan to discuss any help he can give. So fingers crossed with that. I know there is no cure for grief, and the low mood/depression, and the lack of motivation is all part of it, just finding it so hard to bother to care. But I know I must try, my daughter would want me to care for myself, to try to bring myself back from the devastation, and I know I must honour her by living and trying the best I can.
Hi Lydia, just take your time, be kind to yourself and one step at a time. Sending you love and strength xxx 