After reading through this thread I’m absolutely gob smacked at how vicious and horrible your sister is to you. Just thank your lucky stars you and your younger sister are and were nothing like her, as she can’t have many people around her with how she is. I really hope you gain access and control of your sisters affairs again, it’s amazing how many people come out of the wood work when there is money involved. She doesn’t act like family to you by the sounds of it, she sounds like a bully. I know you’re grieving and absolutely heart broken, but her bitterness and jealousy is no match for the love that you and your young sister shared. Use that as strength against her, if I was gonna be naughty I’d suggest giving her a ruddy good punch in the face but I would never
I hope things get sorted and you’re free of her soon! xx
Dear KNW93, Your response is so insightful. She is a bully and a sadistic person. My beloved younger sister is in Heaven, but the older one continues to lie about things she said and still tries to come between us in order to hurt me. How can one stoop so low as to use a dead person to get revenge? But you are so right that her evil lies can never break the bond I had (have) with my dear sweet younger sister. It is just so painful to watch her disrespect my sister’s memory. She knows I am weakened in my grief and uses it to wound me further. How are you? I do not believe I know your story . I thank you for your caring, supportive words and hope we will communicate again.
How are you getting on today? Your sister and her texts sounds much the same as mine. One moment a normal sort of communication and then turns completely. I have found that time and time again, We will be having a normal conversation and then something triggers her off, she develops a really mean look and then says something awful that takes me unawares.
I am so glad you have friends to share your feelings with, it is really important to have people to talk to. I do agree and wonder if it is possible to obtain the papers you need and access to your other sister’s property, is there a family solicitor who can advise you?. I suspect from what you are saying it is going to cause a meltdown from your other sister.
Something strange I have found with my sister is that we both have brought our own properties since losing Mum. I brought first and my sister insisted on helping me to move, came and looked and has brought a very similar in style and age place too. Every time I make a major purchase and she finds out she buys almost exactly the same. In some ways it is funny as what she buys is always slightly bigger and more expensive. After the third time I felt it wasn’t just coincidence so don’t tell her anything if I can help it.
I agree too about missing our loved ones so much. I am so glad my Mum isn’t able to see what has happened. She always said she wanted ‘her girls’ to be friends to each other. She would have been heartbroken about everything that has happened but I think must have suspected it might. You say about your very special relationship with your younger sister and that was a wonderful thing. Something to treasure the memory of and the times you had together. Our older sisters can never take our memories and shared experiences away from us, their loss, our gain.
I hope you having a reasonable weekend, off work so not having to put an act on for other people.
Hello Mel,
Our sisters sound so much alike. When I read your posts I feel like I am reading about my own sister, I have been set back in my grief process due to her ongoing intimidation and bullying. The last communication was a few days ago when she “ordered” me to complete the clean out of my younger sister’s apartment in less than two weeks. After screaming at me in the street, keeping me from getting in, and telling me she has all the important documents and I should “get out,” she now demands I clear out all the furniture, pull up carpet, remove heavy bags, and get the place in shape before June 30! She had a big strong man to help, and I also did many hours of work in the apt. before she threw me out in her hysterical tirade, and she used my dear departed sister’s name in vain to hurt me further. She told me I “owe” it to my sister to make sure this is done “right and on time.” I am in my sixties, work two jobs, and do not see how it is humanly possible to complete such a huge task all alone. She now is “allowing” me to have the keys that work, and she is bragging about all she did, when it was her husband who did 90per cent of the work, and she does not go to a job or have obligations. I am so stressed over this and I now will have to take time off of work, lose money, and try to get a cleaning service to help me. She is doing this on purpose because she knows I am vulnerable in my grief, and I do not have the time, money or resources to get all of it done on short notice. I also do not trust that she will give me the right keys and will leave me no way to get in. The landlord is no help, he is on her side because she rents in the same building and she has gotten friendly with him. All he says is “it better be cleaned by the end of the month, no matter who does it.” He refuses to give me a key or let me in with the master. Sorry to go on, but I am in a terrible state. The older sister is doing this for spite, and is sitting back and enjoying her ability to add more suffering to my pain and grief. Thanks for letting me rant.
I understand completely, you rant away. How dare your sister treat you like this. I think your idea of getting a cleaning service in is an excellent one even if it costs money. Once you have got anything that you want you could ring a charity and ask them if they would like any of the furniture, British Heart Foundation are one that will collect for free. They can be very picky however, they were really rude to me and rejected virtually everything saying it was damaged. They were antique pieces of furniture! Last resort is a clearance company which does cost. It isn’t a pleasant option though as they are likely to break things up in front of you, tables, chairs etc. Your sister should be paying half towards all this whether she likes it or not. Your sister also owes it to hers and your sister to contribute properly and help sensibly and calmly. If she has given you the wrong keys then the bill for the unsuccessful cleaning and clearance services goes straight to her for payment. The same goes for the landlord. Can he be reported to whoever owns the properties for being obstructive? You don’t say if you are living in one of the flats too so if not does it matter if he gets annoyed with you.
I am not much younger than you and found clearing Mum’s house a nightmare. I lived with Mum so the bulk of the clearing fell to me. My sister would turn up as and when she felt like it and do a small amount then go. A friend rang me to see how I was and hearing that I was struggling gave up two weekends to come and help me. I don’t drive and she came in her car and drove things to the tip and the charity shop for me. She said I looked and sounded exhausted, I will never forget her kindness. My sister of course is now strutting around telling everyone how she did everything. I have to say I couldn’t care less as I know the truth of it and if people believe her that is up to them.
Keep telling yourself what I did, ‘this will pass and I will get away from this person and terrible situation’. Your mantra is ‘ it is her and not me that is the problem’.
Take care of yourself and remember you are the most important person in all this. Your health and wellbeing is important so don’t let her get you down.
Hello Mel and KNW93, And thank you for your words of support. You both have been such a help. I hope you are getting on better as well.
My nightmare continues. I was put off again by the older sister last week, with a new story and method to waste my time. All of a sudden she said the lock broke! Then miraculously it was working. I lost two more days because of her shifting of stories. Then there was the nasty text asking why I contacted the landlord, but she was worried I told him she was with holding keys and tampering with the lock. He kept saying I should get keys from my sister, and make sure everything is done by June 30, that is all. She puts on a different face for him, so he has no idea what has been going on. I do not live there and I work two jobs, I finally got in on Thursday and the amount of work she left for me is staggering. I went every day between jobs and did what I could. Next week I must take off work to arrange for the cleaning service, and trash removal, all at my expense. Then there are some lovely items that I have no idea what to do with. This is physically impossible for a woman to complete alone (older sister had a big strong husband, and they had hand trucks to transport bulky items out). She does not care if I hurt my back, or fall trying to move and carry things alone. My sister now cut off all communication, as is her pattern. She will resurface when it is done, to criticize all my efforts under this extreme pressure. She left the hardest part, both physically and emotionally, for me, and that was her plan. She never lifted a finger 6 years ago when our mother passed, she went off on a vacation while my younger sister and I did all the work to clean out a large house and pay off the bills. Once the older one got her share, she stopped speaking, for 6 years,until she found out about my younger sisters cancer. She was helpful and even more human for a short time, but then quickly reverted right back to her old self. My friends tell me never to let her know how much this is upsetting me, because that is what she wants. I had a sobbing attack at work, and had to hide from everyone, as it was so intense. I am exhausted and depleted, and I just want to be with my younger sister and mother, but instead I am left here with no protection from the older sister’s constant assaults. Thank you, I needed to vent and release this anxiety. I wish you all well.
Sorry I haven’t replied in a while, it was my mums funeral last Wednesday so the days leading up to it and after it have been an emotional rollercoaster to say the least.
Your sister sounds like a manipulator and a plain horrible person. I saw a post about not showing her how upset she’s making you and I agree - even though you’re breaking on the inside, let your face and body language tell her that her efforts to break you down further are not working. She’s nothing but a bully and a leech who’s only interest by the sounds of it is money. She’s probably racked with jealousy and resentment for how close you and your younger sister were but doesn’t see how her behaviour has caused that, it’s always someone else’s fault mentality.
Love will always win over hate, you’ve got yours and your sisters strength in you to take her on, I really hope you kick her to the curb once and for all with nothing!
I expect you are into the clearing and sorting week and I do hope it is not too gruelling for you. It is a painful procedure and feels so intrusive going through relation’s possessions. I hated doing Mums and used to sit and say sorry to her as I went through paperwork etc. My sister did the same as yours and went on holiday when we should have been sorting out Mum’s affairs.
Ah yes the shifting of stories act from your sister, I know it so well. My sister had and still has no grasp of the truth, makes things up all the time. She rewrites history I have heard it described. I am glad you are not living in the apartments and too near your older sister, helpful because you have some distance from her and can walk away at night and shut your front door. My sister also does the normality act, so much that I have in the past doubted myself and thought I was over reacting. Waits until my guard is down then starts another argument.
I hope you can sort out and keep any of your younger sister’s possessions that you like. It is a shame to get rid of really nice things. If your older sister hasn’t taken them no doubt she will want them as soon as she hears you have. As long as she hasn’t got keys to your home at least she can’t get in and bother you unexpectedly. My sister wants keys to my house and is quite annoyed I won’t give her any.
It is a bore to have to pay cleaners but much better for you. It is so tiring having to do everything and as I have said before you must take care of yourself. At the end of this week it will be over and you can start a new life as free from your sister as you can and want to be.
Take care of yourself and maybe see if your friends can meet up with you. They sound great and understanding so will be a support for you.
Welcome back to the site KNW93. I know your mum’s funeral must have been very emotional for you. Be gentle with yourself in these days following the service, as many feelings will arise. You are so right about my sister, she continues to do everything to make my grief journey harder than it is. I cringe when I get a text or email from her. I agree that she is and always has been jealous of the love my younger sister and I shared. I need my younger sister with me. We were always able to help each other through the older one’s assaults. Being alone makes it so much harder to cope. I wish you strength in the coming days. We are all here for each other.
Our sisters sound so much alike, they could be related Mel. I am sorry you had to deal with your sister’s awful behavior as you tried to do what you needed for your Mum. Now my sister is demanding her husband be there when the cleaners come and she is giving orders over what should be taken, and not taken. She told me it was my job and all on me to get it done, now as usual she wants to have control.
She was hoping I’d fall apart, so when I still managed to get everything in place in less than two weeks, she became even angrier . She has the key to my house, because she took it from my younger sister’s bag, that she went through right after my sister passed. I always made sure my younger sister had a key to my place, but never wanted the older one to have one. I completely understand why you will not allow your sister free access to your home. I fear my sister will not let up even after this task is completed. She needs a target and there is no one else left now, but me. I will not go on so, just wanted to thank you and everyone for the kind support, at this darkest time in my life.
How are you getting on now? You must have finished the clearing and cleaning of your younger sister’s property. I do hope it all passed off without too many problems. Not much fun but at least it is done now.
Are you back at work or having a few days off to recover. You must be very tired with everything physical and the mental stress as well.
Just wanted you to know I have been thinking of you.
Thank you Mel for reaching out. It meant a lot. I completed everything in record time, did what I physically could, then the last two days I hired services to shred the huge amount of old papers, and on the last day to remove furniture, remaining clothing, and pull up carpet. The final work day went for a grueling 9 hours. You were right when you mentioned the sadness of watching them break up furniture, as one my one they removed the remnants of her life. I felt like with each item going out the door, any hope of every spending time there with my sister ever again, was going out the door too. I had to fight back the tears while in front of the workmen. Luckily there were no “surprise” visits from the other sibling, as I feared. Although it was purposely put on me to get all of this done at the last minute, at least I could see it through and experience my feelings without the “other one” there to interfere. I even asked the men to transport a very special and unique table to my storage area where I live, and they agreed, for a extra fee. She never thanked me or asked how I got through it, but I do not expect that anyway. She continues to text me, questioning every thing, and saying she wants to be “paid back” for trash bags and cleaning supplies they used in the early part of the apartment cleaning. She never asked how I paid for the expensive services last week, nor did she share the expense. I am emotionally and physically exhausted, and see closing the door on the apartment as but another “ending,” and so final. My interrupted grief is hitting me so hard, and I am set back. I went back to work, but am not functioning well there either. Being so busy and having the cleaning project in front of me, helped to refocus my grief for a bit, but now all is done and I am left with the stark emptiness.
Wondering, what is left now? I have lost everything. Sorry to be so down, but I know you and so many others here are the few people who can relate to this anguish. Thank you and take care of yourself too,
I am glad to read you got through your horrible week relatively unscathed. Good news that you managed to get the special table transferred to your home. A lovely and lasting memory of your younger sister.
I agree it is hard when everything is done and you sit down and wonder what there is left now. After I moved house last year I flopped for a couple of months and couldn’t think sensibly. I lived out of cardboard boxes, no wardrobe for my clothes, no bed and piles of things in every room. Even now I still have a box room and a bedroom to sort out and pictures to put up on the walls. I don’t intend moving on again for many years unless something goes wrong so will take my time to get everything just as I want it.
It is laughable that your older sister is expecting reimbursement for cleaning materials when you have done so much. I would ignore her texts and any calls she makes until you feel more able to deal with them and her. She is not worth your air space at the moment. Concentrate on yourself now and recovering your health and well being. Your older sister must take a back seat. I know you are very down at the moment, I have been there too. It will get better, not tomorrow, not next week, but it will at some stage.
Please keep coming back here and let me and others know how you are.
Mel
Xx
Hello Mel and everyone, Thank you for your understanding. Mel I feel if we did not live a world apart, we’d be fast friends, as we seem to have a lot in common. I have been in an odd place emotionally, since completing the difficult task of cleaning out the apartment. I cry, I am angry, I am hopeless, and I keep asking how life came to this point, where I find myself alone without any family to speak of. I was so close with both my mother and sister, and lost them both. The other sister stopped bothering me for the time being, because I sent her some money just to appease her. But there are more financial issues to settle, so I will be hearing from her, and my stomach jumps every time I see a text coming in from her. This has all set me back in my grief, and I am exhausted. I saw on another thread that you are planning a celebration of sorts in your new place, and will only include your good friends (not the toxic sibling). How nice that will be for you, and it is an indication that you are rebuilding your life after the trauma of losing your beloved mum. Where do I go from here, I do not know. The thought of years without my best friend, my younger sister, does not look like a future, but a “sentence.” Coming to this site does help me feel less isolated in my grief. The kindness I receive here is so appreciated. Take care of yourself.
I agree, I have received more kindness from people on this site than I have in real life. I think part of it is we can pour our hearts out to people who really do understand.
I don’t know what sort of phone you have but does it have the facility to have different tones and rings for different people? If so it might be worth setting up then you will know not to answer or open anything until you are ready to do so. I have found this a very useful feature not just with my sister. Mine has the habit of Skyping me at unexpected moments as she ‘likes to see my face’ when she is talking to me. Means she can say something horrible and then watch my reaction.
Yes I will have been in my house a year next month. I am going to ask my neighbours one side and lady opposite in for a couple of drinks to celebrate. I was asked in for coffee within days of arriving and for a drink at Christmas so have invites to repay. Neighbours the other side are not very friendly so not bothering with them.
I am coming up for the 2nd anniversary of losing Mum so a bit shaky at the moment. Not much get up and go for anything, just reading lots of books and doing online jigsaw puzzles. The latter help a lot when I can’t sleep. In some ways it feels an eternity since losing Mum and in other ways like only yesterday. I think I will be visiting this forum a lot in the next couple of weeks for comfort from people.
Hello Again Mel-Please let us know the date of your Mum’s anniversary, and I, and the others here will surely support you through it. I understand that these anniversaries and “firsts” can trigger so many feelings, as I experienced when my mother died, so I feel for you as you approach this difficult time. I must admit-I have a very out dated phone, so I am not able to set a certain ring tone for the other sister. But thank you for the suggestion. Since I sent her money, she has been less intrusive, but I do not expect that to last. I am so glad I do not Skype, how sadistic of your sister to want to see your reaction when she insults you (our sisters must have been related in another life!). My days are hard, I continue to struggle and look for even moments of relief. I prefer to stay busy, but am so emotionally exhausted that I find myself without the energy I used to have, such is grief, it takes so much out of us. Take care and I thank you. I will keep coming back for myself, and hopefully to give back to others who suffer as I do.
Thank you for your kind thoughts, the anniversary is in a weeks time, the date that is. My sister wants to come and see me for the day! Not sure how to put her off. I can’t plead illness or she will demand to come and ‘look after me’. In reality go through my private things and empty my fridge and cupboards of food. I am thinking of suggesting meeting halfway between us then I can walk away and come home if she gets too much.
I agree with you about keeping busy but it is so hard. I have no get up and go anymore. I go to bed early every evening as I am so tired and then can’t sleep at the moment. The heat at the moment is bad at nights and I lie and think about Mum a lot. A constant replaying of her last few days and how dreadfully ill she was. I know this will get better as the memories fade. I saw my Dad collapse and pass away and those memories were terrible and very frightening at the time. It took me many years to get over what I saw that evening.
What keeps me sane is my little garden. I sit out there as much as I can watching the birds visiting and enjoying the flowers I have planted. I dug up several plants from Mum’s garden so the challenge is to keep them alive and healthy. They are constant memories of her to look at and I feel her very close to me when I sit outside.
I hoe your older sister is keeping her distance from you so can have some peace.
Hello Again, How are you doing Mel? I know you are up to an anniversary of your beloved Mum’s passing, and I have been thinking of you. I am glad you find some peace in your garden, and being close to nature. Sounds like you are enjoying your own home, and I understand you not wanting your sister’s negativity to invade your private space. I agree that a meeting on “neutral ground” would be safest. For me things have been hard in the aftermath of the final clean out and then the annoying texts and constant questions and suspicions by the other sister, She lay low for a bit after I sent her money, (which I never received a thank you) but now she is at it again. She recently informed me she is going to court to open her own “estate account” because a refund for my younger sister arrived at her old apt mailbox (which the older one has keys to) made “to the estate of” and the older one was desperate to find a way to cash it! Her entire focus is on “money.” She also has keys to my home, which she took when she rummaged through my little sister’s bag the very day she died. She is saying she threw them out, but I know that is not true, I live in fear she will let herself in I when I am at work. She is relentless. My hair has been falling out from the stress so I must force myself to get to a dr. Take care and reach out anytime. Xx
Just found your message after another long and trying conversation via Skype with my sister. The call took the usual form, her talking at me, no chance to respond and no interest shown in me and what I might be doing. Not that I would tell her much anyway, I am very selective in the information I share with her. It makes things much easier, nothing for her to twist and use against me.
I met up with some friends a couple of nights ago and had a pleasant time with them. I have known them all for many years and some of them knew Mum and what has happened. Not so much about my sister as I don’t really like talking about it.
Today is the day Mum passed away and the actual date is in two days time. My sister and I are meeting on neutral ground for lunch. All I need to do is turn up, spend a couple of hours listening to her talking about herself then come home again. I brought a big bunch of flowers for Mum today which I have in the kitchen. In this heat they would last only minutes if I took them to the churchyard and I would rather enjoy them at home and remember Mum.
I am sorry to hear your sister is still being so awful. Please get the locks changed for your home. I know it is an unneeded expense but you should have your own privacy for your own peace of mind. It is frightening how horrible people can be to each other especially when they are related. Anything where money is concerned seems to be a trigger for some people.
I found apart from weight falling off me I lost some hair too. It just got a bit thin I found and seems to have recovered now. The weight has stayed off and is something I am quite pleased about. Definitely see your doctor and get some advice. My Dad used to be a great believer in taking a ‘tonic’ (some sort of vitamin enhanced medicine) to boost yourself up so maybe somehting like that is needed.
Hello Mel, Sorry for the trying Skype interaction you had with your sister. Makes me glad I do not ever Skype with my difficult sibling, or it would surely be the same as you describe. I am thinking you had the meeting with her, and I wonder how it went, and how you got through the anniversary of your mum’s death (forgive if my dates are off, my thinking has not been clear since losing my sister, grief will do that). I realized it is less than 3 months since my sister’s passing, and in many ways I am still creating a fantasy that she is not really dead, and this nightmare will soon end and we will be back together. I sometimes tell myself she moved away, and will be in touch soon. The reality is just too much to bear. Things are quiet again with the older sister, but it has only been a bit over a week since her last contact. I live in fear of the next nasty text. I hope you are doing as well as can be expected, and that your sister has not been causing any more stress in your life. Hard to stay strong, when they continue to sabotage our efforts to heal. Take care.
