I lost my dad 25 wks ago this week. When people say life goes quick, I used to think it’s the longest thing you do but now, there is a baseline and I can’t believe how time is escaping and gone quickly.
I am very up and down through the day. I need some support- how do I handle these my family that only want to break me and have no concept what it is like to see someone pass in-front you.
I am at the very start of process my grief. I have traumatic bereavement and PTSD- flashbacks, trippers, panic attacks, playing that night over and over, seeing things,noises, avoiding areas or reminders, breaking the news to my sister on the phone and her piercing scream, dad struggling, dad fighting to breath, soaked in sweat, I don’t look at his photos, I avoid other areas in the house.
I was alone with him, sudden death in less than two hours doesn’t register to the family, they never saw what I did. Tried telling my mum but frankly she is fine and been since dads left, She always wonder whats wrong if on the rare chance she sees me cry…uk dad passing.Or her reply is yes when told i feel like an orphan and even suggested it i bump into them at Tesco she will take my shopping and put it my sisters car…let I should walk. We are all coming back the same address!!
My family particularly my sister upsets me, in fact to be honest makes me feel like I don’t exist and that they would I was dead and dad was here. I don’t how to cope with her, no eye contact, we don’t pass in the kitchen, mum and my sister go out to do shopping, even prayers that I started for dad, I am excluded from.
There are memories everywhere and I was the youngest and closest. Which I keep getting reminded by my sister e.g dad would hug you but it was a distant hug with me. I never noticed it.
Initially after dad passed my sister was there for me 8 wk-12wks, she held my hand and said even though we don’t get on we will muddle through. She knew I had always said if dad leaves I will no one, After an incident she’s now ghosted me, I don’t exist, I live in my room and look for jobs online. I go down to heat the one meal at 6pm and shes keeps slamming or closing all the doors so I know I’m not welcome. I honesty thinks she wants me out the house.
Mum only tells her things about dads items, e.g they wanted to see the car yet no one told me till the buyer turned up and when I questioned it my mum rolled her eyes to the buyer as if to say I had already told her. My sister has time to adjust and prepare, with me it’s descended, which is unfair when i can’t speak to my family, they have isolated me.
My mum and her don’t normally get on but currently have bonded. My mums love is transnational, and untrusting, she needs my sisters car to go food shopping and therefore shes bonds.
I think I’m having a hard time with the traumatic bereavement/PTSD but mis that in with living with people who think I don’t exist.
And yes, been to the GP- no depression but need help with the bereavement/PTSD and thats not available on the NHS.
My brother who doesn’t live here and is estranged with me and my dad says I’m the devil and I’m not to get one item of dads unless I lick the bottom of his fee (got a long time to weight for that).
I just don’t know why they can not see me or the pain I am in, I even told my mum if we came together than we would be stronger.
I avoid being in the same space as my sister- it’s a heavy negativity entity that takes over the whole room.My acts spaced out and daft…doesn’t take ownership.
I have counselling for family dynamic, first proper session will be Saturday.
I use don’s see where the compassion is, the love, the kindness and how to accept it and not let them control me. I just want my dad…mind you he knew how messed the family dynamics are. I think this has only amplified my loss of dad as there are not family. It’s only me, jobless but taking active steps, fatherless.
Trying to find affordable traumatic grief/PTSD therapists.
It’s my birthday coming up soon, don’t care them low profile day but this is the first one after day…I just want him here, I wan to be in safe space. I don’t want to be in house. I’m going to get up early and just hide somewhere till late…
I’m having a tough time tonight…things don’t seems to be getting better but worse…we are more distant. Apart from mum and my sister but that’s a strategy on both parts…and I don’t have the energy for their games.
In the eve occasionally my mum come is and asks don’t you get fed up living in your room (what as opposed to bonding and communicating with my sister and mum who would ignore me), It feels like this is my sister house…with her presence. Mum tried to hug me but it was like a distant relative that you have never met, I just didn’t know what to do. It’s not real, shes’ manipulative and a narcissistic- those who have encountered will get it.
The Dr thought the family dynamics were preventing me from starting to deal with the trauma.
Any thought, tools, takes aways? Just be sensitive as I am hurting and very upset right now.