family problems during bereavement

lost my dad 6 weeks ago. due to a selfish spoilt family member ,we never had contact for 7 years .i heard that dad was being put into a nursing home and it didn’t sit well with i went to see him when I found out he was in hospital awaiting a bed in a home, it was a good visit and we made peace. he asked me to go back and I said I would. . he confided that the care his wife and son had given him over the last few years was less than dignified to say the least.
I went to see him in hospital 3 days later and his condition had deteriorated and the nurses wouldn’t allow me to see him as "the family " had expressed that I couldn’t nor could I get any update on his condition. I got a phone call from a cousin a week later saying he had died.
I found out where the funeral was through the notice in the local paper but couldn’t bring myself to go. dads last request from me was to not cause trouble and I knew my presence at the funeral would do just this.
im left feeling really guilty for not being there for his last years and not having had a chance to say goodbye. I cant seem to get past any of it and the pain is overwhelming sometimes.

Oh Nellie,
I am so sorry to hear this. Sometimes I find it hard to accept families as all caring and sharing. My lot, elder brother and sister, never offered any help to me when I was a carer for my mother who passed away in November. Very quick to criticise. Now that my mother has passed, I have n’t heard a word from them.

It must be very difficult for you especially being apart for such a while. There is nothing for you to feel guilty about though. Your so called “family” should have given you the right to visit. I know what it is like to feel as though you aren’t welcomed…so I can empathise with your predicament. However, the fact that you visited your Dad brought him some comfort. It is not going to be easy for you…guilt has a nasty habit of biting you hard…and making grief harder…is there anyone close, family or friends, that you can talk to about this matter. with time it may help lessen the pain a bit.
please take good care

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hi, yes my husband and daughters are there for me and ive got great friends
. just feel sometimes like im constantly rehashing it with them and they seem to have recovered quicker than me.
im coping fine most days but all of a sudden it hits you ,think its going to take me a while to forgive myself .
thank you for your message of support xx

It will I am afraid…told by others, Cruse, counsellor local GP etc, that grief and associated issues can take ages to lessen a bit. I don’t think it will be easy for you but with talking to others and here as well may help a bit. Please don’t try and put a brave face on it…if you feel tearful then let it out. I find that I am bursting into flood of tears over every day mundane things. And take your time over grieving, guilt is a normal part of that and you probably feel it even more due to your estrangement.
So please grieve in your own way and time…I hate the cliché of “time heals” it doesn’t. it just give us a bit of time to come to terms with our life issues. So talk to your family and tell them how you feel, or have you been able to contact a CRUSE group in your are (if you have one that is?) or ask your GP for advice?
Take care

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David, this is my first day as a member of this group. I can say that however we have tried to help our loved ones who have passed away, most people always find something to hang their guilt on. It may be something which appears to be trivial to other people, but it is a huge problem as far as the bereaved are concerned.

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Everything you’re all saying is so true.
Just even writing the story on this forum has helped. I think its just finding a way to cope every day, taking one day at a time.I know Im not a bad person and I know despite everything that my dad loved me and that’s what I need to concentrate on , Don’t think you ever get over it but just learn to cope and move forward as they would want.