Thank you for accepting me to this group. I’m sorry my first post is quite long but it’s compacting a long time period into a few paragraphs.
Has anyone else had family rejection issues following the death of their spouse?
I lost me whole world in 29 days last year. First we unexpectedly lost our beloved Sharpei on the 3rd September then we both tested positive for Covid. Our grandson who lived with us left for university on the 18th then my beloved husband deteriorated and went into hospital the next day. He died on a ventilator on the 2nd October.
Less than 24 hours after his death I was getting pressure to have a formal funeral even though it’s not what Keith (or I) wanted and that continued for a couple of weeks. Then I made a will which was subject to criticism. I have been supporting a very needy daughter in law and step granddaughter who have just stabbed me in the back and told lies to cover their own backs.
This has caused friction between my son and myself and my eldest son has tried to be a peacemaker but it hasn’t really helped. I’m so shocked at the betrayal and the lies. My eldest son (who they involved) said I shouldn’t because say anything as it would cause trouble between a husband and wife. I don’t think that’s right, it’s not fair to tell me to let them tell lies about me. So I have defended myself and tried to evidence where I’m not guilty. I’ve accepted responsibility and apologised for anything I feel is a valid complaint against me. I’ve been honest and that’s all I can be.
What has upset me the most is that my son believed all the lies and found me guilty without even asking me about it. He even used my grief as a nasty weapon against me, that was beyond painful and so cruel.
It’s only 5 months since I lost my husband, dog and grandson to university. It’s so lonely and my life feels empty and pointless. I’m not a believer which is a good job or I think I would have been joining my husband. I’m am beginning to realise no matter how hard it is without him I’m not going to get the love and support I need. They don’t seem to care and that I’m having to deal with this awful situation on top is so painful. I’ve been nothing but kind to my daughter in law and her daughter so the knife in my back feels particularly brutal and sharp. In fact I was just about to give my dtr in law £6k for a weight loss procedure. Thankfully I hadn’t transferred the money and won’t be doing now and I’m sure I’ll be in trouble for that too.
So here I am exactly 5 months to the day and I’ve just lost half my family on top of losing my beloved husband. I don’t feel I can or that Keith would want me to grovel to them. I just don’t know what to do because losing my youngest son is so hard and yet he believed the lies without even talking to me. He even came and took a vehicle he had parked on my driveway without telling me or popping to see how I was, that hurt so much. So I sent him a message from the heart telling him how much that had hurt and broken me but he ignored it.
I want to find the strength to just leave things alone and try to get on although getting on to me just means struggling through another day till its time to go to bed. I don’t know what else I can do but I know I’m grateful I found this group. I’m sure I can’t be alone with facing family issues after losing a spouse.
Thank you I am going to step away now I can’t cope with it anymore. Its tormented me to tears that my son would believe such lies about me when common sense should tell him they’re not true. I will take your advice along with that of my friends and other family members and leave them to it. I have come to realise neither of my sons know how to cope with a grieving mum. They’ve tried to send me to the doctor, to a counsellor or another support group, anything so they don’t have to deal with me. It’s so sad that when for the first time I need them it feels like they’ve thrown me away like trash.
Really sorry for yr loss, and for the way yr son and his family are treating you.
You have to look after you, so stepping away from the situation is what you need to do, the truth will come out eventually, lies always do. Yr son is also grieving the loss of his Dad so maybe clouding his judgement. Take comfort from those who are around. And I hope things resolve with yr son over time, but this has shown you now what yr DIL is like, but as mothers can’t choose our childrens partners for them… and no one until they’ve lost can know how you grieve, and I think we grieve differently for different people, I lost my grandmother last year but she was poorly and nearly 90 and I got to say goodbye, so I kind of accepted her death I was and am still sad, then 7 months later I lost my partner suddenly I came home from work and he was laying in bed passed away, he had a heart attack, he wasnt old at all nor was he poorly overweight none of those things so it been a massive shock, and also life changing as we had plans we where due to marry a few wks after he died which had been postponed a year due to covid, but instead of last minute wedding plans I was planning his last journey without me… and now I’m trying to live a life without him, and on a new journey myself unsure where it’s going to lead me. I’m sure you have those uncertainties too, a future without yr beloved Keith. But we have to keep going, it’s what they would have wanted… Take care of you, and use this forum as much as you need. X
Hi Lynn
I have seen this conversation come up many times on the forum and it saddens me that close relatives and friends can literally turn overnight.
You have now sensibly decided to leave them to it as the situation is causing you too much stress when you certainly don’t need it.
I found myself in a similar situation caused by my husbands daughters/family. I thought I was close to his family and expected a tiny bit of support but I never heard from any of them although I have written and made phone calls. I even found myself apologising if I had caused THEM any problems. I nursed their father single handed and was with him till the end. Where was they. Anyway the best thing I could have done for myself after months of sleepless nights worrying was to cut them out of my life altogether and immediately I felt better for it. I left my door open to them but now three years on I have heard nothing from any of his relatives. I was hurt but now I know I don’t need any of them. I am coping and my door is now permanently shut…
You are so right when you say that family don’t know how to cope with us when we are grieving but I went out of my way to assure them that I had no intention of being needy. So concentrate on those that did offer support.
Good luck
Thank you for taking the time to reply and I’m so saddened to read about your own terrible loss. Keith wasn’t my sons Dad and he doesn’t seem to be overly affected by my husbands death. He knows his wife lies because he’s complained about it to me more times than I can remember. That’s why it’s so hard to accept that he has believed what are clearly lies about me. She also involved her own daughter and she has lied too so he’s hearing the same lies from two people and the truth from one. The scales are weighted against me but my son needs to realise lies weigh more than the truth, that’s why they crush you! Take care of yourself, we are all valuable people no matter how cruel our relatives may be x
I’m sorry to hear about your loss and the treatment you’ve received from your husbands family. Why can’t families see how hard it is and try to help and support us. I’ve given my son and his wife especially so much support over the years and this has been a real shock to me. That my own son who is aware his wife lies would then believe her lies about me without even talking to me about things is just crushingly painful. She has caused so much trouble with her lies in the past, both her and her daughter have and I mean serious trouble so why has he believed her lies so readily.
Today two of my friends and my niece confessed they had been concerned about my improved and close relationship with my DiL . They all told me they never for one minute thought either my DiL or her daughter had changed. They remembered all the trouble they had caused and the heartache me and Keith went through supporting my son. Strangely all three used the same words about leopards and their spots and apples not falling far from trees. I felt so stupid for not seeing what they clearly saw but I’m grieving and I was taken advantage of. I’m not closing my door to my son, nor will I close it to my DinL and her daughter. My door and my heart will always remain open to my son but only one of those things will be open to his wife and step daughter.
Now that you are making yourself realise that your DIL is causing problems to you and your family then it is the time to cut them out of your life. At least for the time being if that is what you want.
You must now stop worrying about what is happening in your family and concentrate on yourself. Grief is bad enough without distractions and family fallouts,
It sound as if you have supportive family so concentrate on them. Your son is probably opting for a quiet life and being torn by two people.
You are so right Pattidot and I feel better without the baggage that weighed me down day after day. I truly hadn’t appreciated just how much the daily negativity made functioning emotionally so hard. Now I can think more clearly again and it’s like a light being turned on in a dark room. I’m starting to see things I couldn’t see before. I’ve been able to think about Keith and start to mourn for him and what he will miss and for myself and how much I miss him.
My eldest son is supportive but must have splinters in his bum from all the fence sitting lol , He rang me last night and he could tell I sounded better and he was so pleased for me and I felt better after a cheerful chat with him.
I have several good friends and this platform is such a wonderful space where we can safely talk about our feelings without judgement and get amazing support. Grief is a personal journey but it helps if we don’t have to walk it alone all the time. Take care and stay safe xx
This is something I’ve said over and over. At times I have had good relationships with both my DiL’s but as soon as I don’t agree with something or don’t do something they want I’m in trouble.
My sons listen to their wife’s version of the issue and then I find myself having to grovel or be shunned. It’s not just their husbands they involve my grandchildren too, most are adults now but they follow their parents so I lose everyone.
It’s not right but they have their husbands ear 24/7 and I may have a few minutes or as in my current situation no contact so how can I try to resolve anything.
This mum does need support now that I haven’t got my husband but I’ve got to learn to get on with it. My husband used to be cross with me for grovelling when I hadn’t done anything wrong. I’ll always own up when I have but in my current situation I truly haven’t done anything wrong. It’s such a small thing that started all of this and it doesn’t warrant a grieving mum being told she’s mentally ill and needs professional help then thrown away like trash.
As a friend pointed out surely if I was mentally ill they should be helping me not shunning me and saying terribly hurtful things which include using my grief as a weapon against me. She (along with another friend) also reminded me of all the serious trouble my DiL and her daughter caused in the past through their lies. So serious the Police and Social Services were involved. I never doubted his innocence and stood by him. It was resolved as the lies were discovered and eventually admitted to. My friends told me they had been concerned for me as they never believed either my DiL or her daughter had changed and seems they were right.
That’s why I can’t understand why on earth my son has believed their lies without even talking to me. Only recently he was telling me how his wife constantly lies and how it’s second nature to her. He’s got things completely wrong but I’ve not heard a word since they both sent me unkind, hurtful and untrue messages.
I feel such a fool that I didn’t realise they hadn’t changed and as it was pointed out Leopards never change their spots and this apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree this leopard was hiding in.
Sorry it’s a long reply but just felt I needed to express how serious lies can be and how damaging and hurtful. I keep asking myself can I ever truly forgive any of them when they can treat me like this when I’ve just lost everything in 29 days. I could never be so cruel but I know need to stay away for now and look after myself. Despite everything I do feel better not having to listen to my DiL criticise my son after day after day or hear her moaning and complaining all the time. She was always the victim in her complaints. I hadn’t realised what heavy baggage she gave me and I feel much lighter without all that on top of everything. Now I can give my husband the time he deserves, I free to remember and grieve for the loss of my soulmate.
It’s good your now taking a step back, you need this time to grieve so take it. Some people don’t know what it feels like to grieve and are selfish that is had to be about them all the time…
Now you’ve taken that steep away trust me they’ll come wanting/needing something from you first…
You’ve got yr other son who keeping. In contact which is good and you’ve got friends…
keep with the positives…
take care of you now that’s what Keith would want…
X
Dear Lynn53, I have had no help from my two daughter in laws and they seem intent on turning my Sons against me since the death of my Husband .They have told my Sons that I have been interfering in wanting to see my beloved Grandchildren. My Husband and I put our lives on hold to look after our Grandchildren while their Parents worked but now that the daughter inlaws parents have retired they have done all they can to block me from coming over to see them. My Sons have said to me that they want to keep out of it as they want peace in their homes. My beloved Husband would have taken them to task over this but he is no longer alive. I am keeping a low profile and thank goodness I have good loyal friends. So so heartbroken but all I can do is somehow get on with my life but miss the protection and love of my husband . from CAZ3J
Caz I understand you 100% because it’s pretty much the same with me and my sons. Everything is ok with the DiL’s until you do or say something they don’t approve of or agree with. Then they tell our sons their version of events and we end up pushed out because our sons don’t want to rock the boat. My husband would have pulled me into his arms and said “come her you daft bugger” and given me the biggest bear hug ever. I wish we were closer and could give each other a big hug.
It’s hurts and angers me that my son will not give me 5 minutes of his time after I’ve given him 15 years and more of unwavering support. First through a failed marriage and then through the complexities and very serious trouble caused by his wife and step daughters lies. Then the years of issues his Narcissistic MiL caused. It’s just so toxic but I’ve stood by him, I’ve never wavered in my belief in him and supported them all when they went no contact with the MiL.
My beloved Keith used to get so frustrated with me for always dropping everything and everyone to support him/them but he understood. Now there just silence and sadness and each day seems to be be a lot of struggle for very little reward xx
Thank you for taking the time to reply. I have tried so hard to keep strong hoping each day my son would come to see me or just ring me but nothing but more silence. It’s already hard trying to cope with the silence of losing Keith and now it’s feels like I’m drowning in the solitude of losing a son and a husband. Xx
Dear Lynn53, Have been thinking about you today as I have had a really blue day as I miss my dear husband so very much. He died 2 years ago and it does not get any easier. Thank goodness that I have some longstanding girlfriends and lovely neighbours as the loneliness can be agony at times. Miss seeing my Sons and their families so much but still they have not contacted me for 6 weeks. A good friend has advised me not to contact them , not to chase them and maybe they will think of me. We did so much for them over the years but did not smother them as they have their own lives to lead. Still love them dearly though and maybe time will open their hearts. My dear husband would be so angry with them and would have tried to sort them out but I hate conflict so I cannot do that. Sending you love and hope and love to all the dear online community {Friends}!!! love from CAZ3J
Hi Lynn,
I’m so sorry for your loss and that you are having to go through such a difficult time, I lost my partner 4 months ago today, we didn’t have any children but he had 4 and his elderly parents live nearby.
We bought a house together 6 months before Pete died, thankfully both his and my family have been great, but financially its been a nightmare,
I haven’t been able to go back to work as I’m still all over the place.
The only advice I can give you is to take each day as it comes, hopefully the people who have lied will have a conscience and tell the truth, but in my experience the truth does eventually come out.
Try to stay strong and I do think writing down your feelings does help, this forum has certainly helped me.
Good luck and take care.
Muldool
Hi Caz, I feel your pain I really do and I echo your words too. I’m not finding it getting any easier, 24 weeks today and it’s harder in many ways although I have better days and lots of blue days like you.
I have good friends and neighbours but I miss my sons. One was very good in the beginning but due to circumstances can’t pop in very often. He used to phone daily but now it’s only occasionally. My other son has stopped talking to me and completely excluded me from his life based on a lie his wife’s daughter has told him. This is the same stepdaughter whose lies led to him being investigated by the police and social services. The same wife and stepdaughter who lied over and over about my son but I stood by him as this went on for years. So they have a long history of lying to him but this mum does not, my history is of loving and caring for him. He forgave them but he wont even talk to me to hear my side of things. I can prove I didn’t say the things she lied about but inside as hurt as I am I am also angry too Caz.
After everything me and Keith have done for him and his family, often cancelling our own plans to be there for him and yet for the first when I’m lost and needing his love and support he throws me away like trash based on lies. My husband would be angry too but we don’t have them to help and support us anymore.
How can sons son treat their mother like this at the worst and saddest time in their life. My son said some nasty things to me in a message that was filled with lies he had been told. I responded and absolutely refuted the lies and said I’d love to see and talk to him but that’s nearly 3 weeks ago and I’ve not heard a thing from him since.
As one of my friends said if Chris was here I would say to him “Chris, I would have thought you of all people would be the last person that needed reminding that your wife and her daughter lie” Like you, my friends have said not to contact him but he is stubborn and they will be feeding him poison. It’s not a happy marriage, their relationship is toxic. His wife and her daughter don’t speak to her mother and haven’t done for years and years so I fear this is my fate now.
I have thought about contacting him, I’m sure you are probably the same. Then I worry about how much worse I’d feel if he ignored my call or text or responsed in a negative way. His wife has access to all but his personal mobile number so I could only contact him at work when he wouldn’t be able to have a personal conversation anyway.
I love him with all my heart but I’m not sure I will ever be able to forgive him this time. He has done similar things in the past only to find out they are lies Sons are very much ours until they take a wife and I do wonder if having daughters would have been different.
If you want to pm me Caz please feel free to do so.
Hi Muldoon, I’m so sad to hear you too have lost your beloved other half, it’s just so hard without them isn’t it.
My eldest son helped me sort out all the financial side of things and I’m retired so at least I don’t need to worry about working. Although having said that my days are so empty without him it’s hard to fill them.
I am taking it a day at a time. Its so hard because I’m spending more time driving myself nuts thinking about my son and the pain he has caused me than thinking about my beloved husband. That happened when he was alive, my son and his marital problems would take over our lives and I would often put my son first. It’s so wrong it’s happening again when I’ve just lost my beloved husband.
Yes hopefully the truth will come out in time Muldoon as it has in the past. I’m just not so sure that this time I’m going to be able to forgive my sons cruelty and the lack of compassion for his grieving mum.
The people who have lied do not have a conscience. My son even said to me only two weeks prior to him excluding me based on their lies. Mum, It’s impossible to work out where the lies start and end as it comes so easily to her (his wife) that its now second nature to her. So why has he believed her lies and the lies she has undoubtedly got her daughter to tell him to protect herself.
My friends have told me they were worried when I got drawn in by my DiL and her daughter when Keith was dying/died. Even my eldest son expressed surprise I had turned to my DiL when I found out he was going to die. I defended her and thought her and her daughter had changed. Tbh at the time I’d have taken support from the devil himself when I was told Keith was going to die from covid. My friends have reminded me of all the trouble their lying had caused and that a leopard never changes it’s spots and that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I just wish they had told me sooner although tbf I probably wouldn’t have listened. I was so drawn in and dependent upon my DiL in those early days. I never noticed when the support for me and my grief got lost and turned into being all about my DiL and her complaints and lies about my son.
I feel such a fool for trusting them, my husband didn’t and neither should I have but I was vulnerable and I think they took advantage of that. . Now I find myself in a hell of a mire of lies and deceit and I’m struggling to keep my head above their evil. It’s taking over the time I should be grieving for my beloved husband and learning how to live without him.
Thank you for your advice. I’m really glad you’ve got good support from both families, take as much support as they offer, you need it xx
Hi Lynn53, good to hear from you and others .Decided to paint scrapes on banisters where I have dragged the hoover up and down the stairs. Started at the top, all going well until I stepped back onto the cat who had decided to join me. Dropped the paint brush on the cat who shook the brush onto the stair carpet! I grabbed the wet banister to steady myself so paint on carpet now cleaned off, the cat now has a bald patch on the back of her neck where I had to cut a lump of fur off her she still has both ears after a massive struggle, and touched up the banister! Dear Ukraine has had a much worse day poor people bless them. From CAZ3jxxxxxto all
Oh I am so truly sorry for all of your losses. It has astounded me how people change like a flip of a coin with finances due to a death. Families should unite with grief but as I’m learning it often rips them apart.
You have to look after yourself. I know most days it’s challenging to just get out of bed. Stay true to yourself and the truth always comes out.
, He rang me last night and he could tell I sounded better and he was so pleased for me and I felt better after a cheerful chat with him.