I thought I was doing so ‘well’ after 18 months on from losing my husband and for the first time did not have the gaping hole inside me.
All that has changed this week when I met up with my half brother who I have not seen for 8 years but talk to regularly on the phone. He is very confused so the conversation is hard going and repetitive but I felt I must see him before he deteriorates further. My nephew was also there but the last time I saw them I was with my David. Being alone really hit home. Then yesterday I also met up with my niece who again I have not seen for 8 years but she was visiting my area. She has a new husband, both second marriages, and it was lovely to see them so obviously in love but hard to watch as they kept holding hands and having their private jokes. I didn’t realise until I was back home alone, feeling so alone after all their intimacy, how it had affected me. I cried myself to sleep last night and have decided I am going to keep myself to myself today as it seems I cope better in my ‘bubble’ then I hope I can gain some strength again.
I have a very good friend who has a large family and often invites me to join them when they visit. Sometimes I go but again I struggle with my emotions after being amongst such closeness and fun and then come home to my empty house with just me and my rabbits. It is her birthday next week and I am invited with her family but I am dreading it and if it wasn’t for the fact that I would hate to upset her I wouldn’t go.
Does anyone else feel upset at being round families or is it just me?
Sorry I have rambled on but I need to talk this through…
Oh yes. I too find t difficult when I see other couples talking and enjoying themselves. I feel like saying, yes, love one another. Have no regrets because it can hurt. Be kind to each other.
I don’t know if you read my posts about ‘triggers’. It takes just a little thought, some remembrance, some sight or smell to ‘trigger’ an emotional response. Now when it happens sometimes without warning and not knowing why, let it come.
18 months or 18 years makes no difference.
Emotions are so responsive to outside events. Someone laughing can do it. ‘Why are they so happy when I’m in this pain’?
You and I were like that. But events have caught up with us. I am not saying it will last for ever, but being prepared that it might happen is helpful. You will know what to do if emotions arise.
Your ‘Bubble’. Oh yes! Some people talk of their ‘Golden Bubble’. It’s where you go when you want to be alone. It’s a beautiful golden bubble, so soft and warm inside. No people to bother you, no comparisons to make, no judgement or criticism. If you are any good at visualization you can make your own bubble.
I have Temple on a hill. It’s all white with trees and flowers all around. It’s a bit of a climb to get there but well worth it.
Inside are many people sitting and thinking. Everyone with their own problems and thoughts. There is a healing presence there. A feeling that is indescribable. That someone somewhere is looking after us in spite of the pain. Imagination? So! If it helps then just as in any advice we can take it or leave it.
It’s full of light and the beautiful stained glass windows up lift my spirits. I an stay as long as I like, but sitting there, wonderful as it is, does not eliminate my grief, not entirely, but it helps. I am reluctant to come down and back to the world. But I know that I have been in the presence of something beyond myself and this world.
Try and go to the party. Gett used to so called ‘normal’ living is what it’s about. Of course, nothing will ever be normal again, but if we make the effort it can be brable. Best wishes.
Thank you Jonathan for your thought provoking reply and I am learning to accept being around people with their happy lives but triggers do set me off. I kept telling my niece to enjoy each day with her new husband and make the most of their time together because as we know, life is too short.
I like your bubble which you put into words so well. My bubble is simply sitting in my lounge gazing out at the fells which I am fortunate to be able to see from my windows. They bring me tremendous peace just watching the changing weather patterns drifting over them. They are always there yet in different ‘clothes’ every day.
I will go to my friends’ birthday as it will help me to cope with ‘normal’ family life as you say.
Thank you for your kind support as we continue in this life we didn’t choose.
Take care.