My lovely older sister died in February 2019 after a 5 year battle with breast cancer. Her last few months of life were in constant pain and fear. She left behind 2 beautiful small children aged 6 and 8. A husband and my parents and me.
I still feel nearly 2 years on a fear about her death and how awful it was for her and it terrifies me. Is this normal? I have had CBT counselling which has stopped me from anxiety attacks but I still feel that the fear I feel is stopping me from grieving her. She deserves for me not to be scared of her as she meant everything to me and I am lost without her.
Hey,
My Grandad died on the 27th December 2020 and it was in a horrific way. He didn’t look like himself and hadn’t really been looked after in hospital, which was devastating and I was so angry at myself that I didn’t go and rescue him. I still am.
I have had nightmares about his passing, I remember having a panic attack before I went in to sit with him the 3rd time, because I knew then what was coming. I wasn’t able to cry at all. I’ve found that (mad as it might sound), talking to him everyday out loud, looking through old photos and laying in bed before sleep or when I wake up and purposefully reliving the good times we had, telling myself he’s gone now and he’s no longer in pain. These things have allowed me to shed some tears for him, and once they come they do stay for a while as inevitably you think of the things you wish you could have done. At 86 even, he was taken too early. He should be here.
Did you have goals and aspirations in life that you had shared with your sister? Did you both dream of things you wanted to do as the years went on?
I promised my Grandad I would continue to make him proud, I start my masters this year. I want to be a health psychologist and help those dealing with illness to come to terms with it and be their voice to medical staff in hospitals. Hopefully a voice for people like my Grandad that are neglected in there because they are old. I promised him I would give my mum some Grandchildren, that I would look after my uncle and my youngest cousin who is autistic.
He would hate for me to be sad and numb all the time, so I’m making sure to cry but to remember the good, relish in the fun and the love we shared. Plaster memories all over social media and my home and love him always. Then he will never really be gone to me, and that’s okay. Maybe writing things down might help?
I think you were brave to go and get CBT and we’ll done for getting a handle on your anxiety, that’s no easy feat.
Still book the big family get togethers (after blasted lockdown!), lay her a place at the table, make memories with your family and live for her, cuddle her children for her. It will get easier I’m sure. I’m only at 3 weeks since my Grandad died and he was my Dad really, as I don’t have one of those and Grandad was my best friend, confidant, pushed me to do better and loved me for me. But I know he would want me to continue and make him proud, live for him and never forget him. It’s the last respect we can pay those that loved us so much that the shared love makes us feel broken now they’re gone.
I hope things get easier for you and you forge a path through your feelings and emotions xx