Fear of medication but the anxiety and panic is so bad

Hello, I’m new to this so please bear with me…….
I have suffered with anxiety, health anxiety and panic for four years now. My dad died when I was a baby , I don’t have any family apart from my Mum who I’ve cared for since i was 15-
I am now 32 and have a seven year old who is just as close to my mum as I am and it’s amazing how much they love eachother.
My mum was diagnosed with Neuroendocrine cancer in January this year and she moved in with us.
I focused on her treatments and side effects and just wanted to make her better.
In the end all treatments were stopped and now it’s a case of pain management.
I tried so hard but in the end her breathing was bad and her chest pain was too that all the nights I was up with her - one was the worst and the hospice said they could help with pain management if she went in for a few days-
She agreed and her second day there she tried to go to the bathroom- was not assisted and she fell and broke her ankle, spine and severe concussion.
She’s now in hospital and too unwell to come home
I have severe anxiety and panic and off balance and shaking
I feel guilt I let her go in the hospice in the first place
And now she’s on the 5th floor where I blacked out last week - I’ve been too scared to stay up there more than 20mins with her
I miss her and want to be by her side every minute of the day but the anxiety and panic are taking over.
I was prescribed setraline but not started as I’m scared I will get worse before I get better
And I don’t see me being able to get better if I get worse than how I am now

Hello @Higgans2022. I am so very sorry for all that you are going through and I send my very best wishes that you can keep strong, not only for yourself but for your young child and your mum also.

I’m no expert but it might be worth trying a natural remedy called St John’s Wort. It can have an instant effect as a mood easer. The other day I was chatting to a young mum who had lost her 4 year old son last year. She said she had been taking St John’s Wort and how good it had been for her. Like you, this lady was fearful to go down the medication route. You can buy it from almost anywhere, chemists, supermarkets etc.

Remember to take time out for yourself too. I know it’s difficult with a young child but just a few minutes here and there, maybe listening to some relaxing music whilst doing absolutely nothing. It’s important to be kind to yourself @Higgans2022. I never used to know what that meant but I do now.

Sending you love and strength. xx

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Thankyou so much x
I’m fearful of consuming almost anything-
It’s ruining my life. I just wanna be better and be there for my mum and son x

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Dear @Higgins2022,

What a difficult time you are having this year. I am so sorry to hear about your mum’s situation.
Please do not feel guilty that you agreed to her going into the hospice. From what you write she really needed help with her pain and her breathing and I think that most people in your situation would have done the same as you did, and taken the advice the hospice gave you. You did it to relieve her suffering, expecting her to be back home with you after a few days. How were you to know that she would have a fall? It is very sad that happened. With her fractures and concussion on top of her terminal illness, the hospital sounds the best place for her right now.

I totally understand that you want to be there for your mum, especially at this time where you do not know if she will be able to come back home or not. It is very hard to see someone you love come to the end of their life. (I have been there in the last few years, first with my own parents, then with my mother-in-law.) I also undertand that your anxiety and depression are making it hard for you to do what you would want to do. It is good that you have consulted your doctor. Apart from prescribing setraline, has he also done some basic heath checks, like your blood pressure, or given you any advice? Does he know about you ‘blacking out’?

If you are worried about taking the setraline, I think you need to speak with your doctor again and be honest with him. If you need to know more about it, on the NHS website their is a useful Q and A about it here: https://www.nhs.uk/medicines/sertraline/common-questions-about-sertraline/
On the same NHS site you can find lots of helpful information about self help for anxiety, such as simple breathing exercises.

You mention not having any family. Do you have any good friends you could ask for support, maybe to go the hospital with you when you vist your mum? Even if you would black out again, I am sure the hospital staff would know what to do. It will mean so much for your mum when you can be with her. If you have a really bad day, and cannot face going there, are you able to have a video call with her so that you can let her know how much you love her? Maybe your 7 year old can say hello to her too if it is not too distressing.

It is good that youhave joined this community. I do hope that reading other people’s posts and replies, especially in the ‘terminal illness’ category will be really helpful to you. xx Jo64

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