6 weeks in and I feel like I can’t do this anymore. I’ve just been looking at old messages from my mum telling me that she loved me which was only sent February this year and it stopped me in my tracks and I felt as if I couldn’t breathe, especially since I never replied 
which made me feel 10x worse!
I feel like my grief journey keeps getting harder, I feel a sense of desperation in feeling better, I’m sick of feeling so depressed and lost and I’m sick of trying to be ‘strong’
I find myself doing endless searching about whether there’s an afterlife or not, I don’t want to think that my mum doesn’t even know that she existed and doesn’t know about me and my siblings.
I’d rather get beaten up or killed than go through this complete feeling of loss.
Sometimes I wish I could have gone with her and I keep saying I want to be dead to my other half and he told me off today and said he would move out if I kept talking like that, he did say he said that to give me a kick up the backside later on but I do wonder if there was any truth to it.
How am I supposed to get through life without my Mum who I loved with every bone in my body, I feel so sad and broken.
It doesn’t feel real and I feel so unbelievably frightened, I just don’t know what to do anymore, I just miss her so much that it physically hurts so much 
So sorry for your loss. What you are feeling is normal, grief has no rules and everyones grief is different. I to wanted to die when i lost my husband i dont feel like that now 17months on. He wouldnt have wanted that and either would your mum. You had a special mum and of cause you miss her, have you spoken to your doctor about counselling it might help to talk to someone other then family , i found i could talk more openly with a stranger. Hope things get easier for you but just take your time and be kind to yourself i notice you say you didnt answer a text from your mum , we all have moments we wish we had done differently but we cannot change that so try not to beat yourself up. remember all the happy times you had with your precious mum. Sending a big hug 
Hi Jess,
It has been such a short time since you lost your mum and the grief is very raw. I relate to your post and I also feel frightened about the future.
I lost my just over five months ago and I still feel very lost. I don’t expect this to change any time soon, my dad was the centre of our family and there is a void that will never be filled.
It may not feel like it but you are here getting through the day, despite the pain and grief. It is easier said than done but we just have to get through today.
Xx
@Misprint it’s quite scary how much I mean it at times but I know my Mum wouldn’t want that. And I couldn’t put my family through that.
My doctor put me on fluoxetine but I had to stop taking them cause they were making me feel really poorly and possibly worse.
I have my first counselling sessions this Friday but I struggle to believe it would help, cause I just get more sad talking about it sometimes. But I’ll give it a go.
@Katherine86 Actually can’t believe that it’s only been 6 weeks it feels like I lost her way longer but at the same time I feel that days are passing by at speed. My sense of time is seriously messed up right now.
I’m sorry that you lost your dad and are still going through this when you didn’t sign up for it. Life is so pointless and so cruel 
@Jess1 Today for me marked a complete & utter breakdown. I needed a birthday date & looked in my mum’s diary, seeing her handwriting was so utterly painful. My heart actually physically hurts, two days back at work and I cannot see the point.