Feel like a fraud

Hi everyone. New to the forum. I’ve just lost a childhood friend who I only got back in touch with when I found out she was very ill. Before that apart from some infrequent Facebook messages I hadn’t been in proper contact for about 15 years.
But I feel like such a fraud. I can’t stop crying and sobbing about her death, but feel like I shouldn’t feel like this or that I don’t have the right to feel like this as we hadn’t been close for a very long time. People who were close to her should be like this.
Am I even crying for her or am I crying for myself because I feel guilty for not going to see her before she got ill when she invited me?
I visited her 3 times in hospital before she passed. But I feel like I was a glory hunter - look at me what a lovely friend I am for visiting her and messaging her family for updates.
I keep replaying the 3 visits over and over. I’m getting frustrated as I can’t picture her face when she was in hospital, it was only 4 days ago I last saw her. How can I forget her face that quickly.
I told my work friends all about her and her illness but was I just wanting attention and sympathy?
I can’t stop thinking about it, crying and sobbing then thinking about it all again. I’ve got to go to work tomorrow but I’ll be a tearful wreck.
Sorry for the rambling but I’m hoping someone here may be able to tell me I’m not losing my mind.

Hi Beanikki, Sorry you lost a friend. ive read your post a couple of times now and mulled it over fro the last 2 hours. now im not a professional and i might be wrong. I just lost both parents over the last 3 years so im no stranger to grief. This is what i think of your situation.

You didnt really nurture the friendship with this girl over the 15 years, as you say contact was sparce. you were getting on with your life and i guess she was doing the same. However just because the relationship wasn’t nurtured doesn’t mean you didn’t care and you had a sense of duty towards her based on your early history together and surely that’s normal. so i think the things you did for her in her final days were more out of a sense of duty to her rather than being based on the feelings of a nurtured friendship.

Does that make you a fraud? not in my eyes! infact it makes you an honourable individual in my opinion. Some of the most beautiful acts of human kindness have been soley the result of someone’s sense of duty towards another.

I think the conflict you feel in your heart is because you are wondering why on earth you did so much for her in her final days when you didn’t find the time to maintain the relationship over the 15 years and it makes you question your own motives.

It would appear to me that whatever reason you did what you did for your friend is not really that important, The fact is you had 2 choices (A) be there for her or (B) not be there for her. i’m sure that she was glad you were there and she probably didn’t question your reasons. wether your actions were based on the love of a friend or a sense of duty to another human being you still did the right thing. stop over analyising yourself and be glad you did what you could do. and allow yourself to grieve your loss without guilt.

I dont know if this helps and if im totally wrong then i am sorry . i wish you quiet in your mind. peace

Hi milly
Thanks for your thoughtful reply.

I guess the word I should have used was hypocrite rather than fraud. I hadn’t maintained the friendship as you rightly said and then at the end I appeared back in her life like the last 15 years hadn’t happened.

So I feel hypocritical being so upset at her loss. I’m acting like I’ve lost a family member. I’m not sure why I am so upset, is it just self pity ? Is it guilt over not keeping in touch until now? Is it sorrow for what she had to go through and that her life has been cut short?

I try and keep my mind off it but then I feel guilty for not thinking about her.

And I’m struggling with the fact that I can’t picture her the last time I saw her. I know I shouldn’t be thinking of her like that, I should be thinking of her how she was. But it was the last time I saw her so the memory is important to me.

I’m just in a mess at the moment with thoughts whirling round in my head.