Hi all, I lost my soul mate nearly 6 months ago. At first I had this overwhelming feeling of anxiety and fear and this lasted for months then I started to focus on honouring him and doing all I could to be there for his parents, our girls and keep his memory alive, I’ve kept myself so busy with work and sorting the headstone, Christmas etc but this last week I feel I have gone back months with this overwhelming fear about my future and a life without Lee. Find myself bursting out in tears all the time, overthinking everything from the past and present and I am physically exhausted I struggle to get up in the morning however much sleep I get. I’m waiting on counselling at the moment and with my birthday and then his looming my mind is in over drive, I feel if I throw myself into work I have no energy for anything else, then that gets on top of me the house work etc. I’m trying so hard to forge forward and create a life but it all seems so pointless without my soul mate x
With you on the energy and going backwards, seems that I am drained all the time but not allowing myself to stop, needing to keep going and doing things keep me going, it is as soon as I stop and sit for a while, then it is like only losing my wife yesterday again, just over two months ago now, but break down in tears so often when alone, as you say overthinking when nothing else to do, but for her, I know I must keep going and for our youngest daughter as she is struggling too, she is 30 but losing her mum is so hard as they were best friends too so supporting her is what I have to do too, while struggling myself and trying at times to hold myself together
So sorry for your loss, I remember those early days although I know it’s still early for me also, life just seemed a daze! I’m trying not to put everyone else before me as I did when I lost my dad 5 years ago as I know that eventually we have to grieve and this only delays that process. I understand your thoughts with your daughter though I feel like that with mine she’s 16 and has exams and things as well as missing Lee so much, but I’m honest with her and cry with her when she’s low to show that there is no shame in our emotions. Wishing you a better day.
Good morning @Foreveryoung81
So sad to read your post, I’m so sorry for you, for all of us in this sad club.
I feel exactly the same . It’s 19 months for me on Sunday. Could be 19 days.
The last couple of weeks I feel like I have taken huge backward steps.
Feelings of absolute hopelessness, and no interest in anything in the present , never mind the future.
Just want to be in the past, where it is safest and happy.
I too am totally exhausted all the time.
Work full time too, and have done since 4 days after his funeral. ( Funeral was on the Friday, queens funeral on the Monday after, then back to work on the Tuesday!) No idea how I did that!!!
It does really help to read on this site, that other people share similar feelings.
You take care, and you too @Glyn
Love , hugs and strength
Thank you for replying, it does help knowing we aren’t alone in this but wish none of us had to go through this. I think I’m constantly flitting through all the emotions of grief and it is exhausting. Working helps but people soon think you get over it and pile more and more on when we are trying out best to keep swimming. So sorry for your loss xx
Sending you big hugs fully understand the wave of emotions you are still grieving
Thank you, I think we forever grieve just get stronger swimmers x
it helps me too this site reading how we all experience some if not all the emotions described on peoples posts . My workplace were very good with I must say at the time supporting me with no pressure to come in to work too soon
but things did change not long after the time period
Thank you all for being on here
Same here , drowning in grief but is somehow comforting to know other people know how I feel.
It’s so cruel isn’t it, so sorry you have to go through this. All I have learnt is to find you’r people who are I’ll support and not judge or leave you when you need them most. I’ve lost some ‘friends’ but equally some have shone brighter than ever! Sending lots of hugs to everyone 
The powers to be have been amazing with me but I find especially younger work colleagues (I’m only 40 mind) just don’t get it. But did any of us before we found ourselves here x
One thing I am finding very hard is … how to keep everyone afloat… when I am drowning myself
@Glyn as harsh as this sounds you need to concentrate on keeping you afloat, when I lost my dad 5 years ago (aged 54) I spent so much time trying to concentrate on my mam, siblings and children it set my grieving back and I was grieving much later than everyone else. This time with my partner I’ve put me first if I can’t float I can’t help others, hopefully extended family, professionals and others can help support you and your loved ones. I obviously chat with my girls and his parents and be there as much as I can but when I am low I try and take time for me so that I am going with the process not masking it as o did before x x
Hello. My husband has been gone 5 months now. I started what I thought was a little progress. Went back to work, kept myself so busy and distracted. It’s all come crashing down on me. Who am I now? I’m not me anymore. My heart aches for my Kev, instead of getting better it’s getting worse. I cannot stop the tears from flowing. I’m hurting, I’m sad, i feel like I don’t know me anymore. When will I smile again.
People at work have forgotten but I understand they haven’t been through this torture so how could they possibly know how it feels. I wear a fake smile at work and am totally focussed on my day. Get in my car and that’s it, my life has stood still again. How will I ever begin this new life that’s been forced on me with him.
Hello Jules
I understand your emotions I feel just the same I am not me anymore either
I go to work and also wear a fake smile iand pretend but it can be so overwhelming
Big hugs for you
Hi @jules1950 and @Ann16
I feel exactly the same too.
Miss the old me, don’t even like the new me very much .
And I miss when my smile was real.
19 months for me tomorrow.
I’m sorry to say nothing has got any easier for me.
I too distract myself with working full time.
I’m totally exhausted all the time …
with living in a pretend world. Most of the time I feel like I’m on the edge looking in … watching a version of myself existing in the world that goes on around me…
While the real me… The happy me … with my husband… exists in our own safe little bubble, locked in time.
Love hugs and strength to you both, and everyone reading on here
Hello Cathphil
Yep know that feeling too 14 months now for me and it feels just like yesterday nothing has changed for me very much either inwardly it is scary
Hugs to you too
Hi @jules1950, my Lee passed in October too the 7th. And I so get what you feel, I was doing okay as okay as I could. Then this week it was like I went back to the start I’ve cried buckets, I can’t talk about Lee without tears streaming down my face. I think I kept myself so busy that now I’m exhausted and need to rest but with that comes the loneliness and realisation this is it now, my life, one I never wanted but somehow am expected to get on with. I can’t believe I’ll soon be half a year without him yet seems like yesterday and a whole lifetime ago I saw him last all at the same time. I had my initial counselling phone call yesterday and that’s knocked me even further back reliving the year we had of treatment and hopes that ended in the worse outcome. But as I say tomorrow is another day and I start every day trying to do something to honour what was our life. Sending hugs your way x
sending you hugs x
That is totally me too , driving to and from work, families, etc tears and meltdowns and the fake “ how are you, not too bad” approach when with others and then back to the tears when alone again , this hurts more than anything I have known, in bed is okay as I talk to my wife then, tell her how our daughter has been, how the grandchildren are etc and then tell her I love her and say goodnight l , then feel she can rest knowing we okay … now morning again and awake in tears to start the struggle all over again x