I currently feel confused, (don’t know how I should react now? When is it considered when to look for another companion? etc), I constantly feel guilt, (guilt if I laugh, guilt I feel happy, guilt for not wanting to feel lonely for the rest of my life), I’ve still got this raging anger (anger of why PPH did not notice the cancer in her x-rays when she was admitted in July, anger that it was my wife and not me that was taken) and the sense of loss after losing someone who was a huge part of my life for 45 years. Sometimes the feelings are overwhelming and nothing I do will change it, so. I turn to the bottle until I feel (using Pink Floyd’s lyrics) Comfortably Numb
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Hi this is my story also,Judith got missed through Covid,the cancer spread until it got to stage 4 and then they operated for 6 hours removing most of her internal lady parts because it was bladder cancer.He told me he got it all after the op but then said she needed chemo as it was an aggressive cancer,after chemo the next scan showed it was back so another operation,things started to get worse and she was admitted to Southend hospital ,after 8 weeks in there on every pain relief they could lay their hands on they said nothing more can be done,Judith was transferred to a hospice where she passed away in front of me 4 days later.32 wonderful years gone,I am having nightmares of the moment she slipped away in my arms.I drink every night. Michael.
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Thank you all for your comments, it has been very comforting that the feelings I’m currently experiencing are not unusual and are common. Don’t get me wrong I sincerely wish that none of us were or have experienced these horrible and terrible feelings of grief. Sometimes just writing how I feel and getting it off my chest brings some respite, even if only briefly from the grief itself. Being someone who has suffered with depression and PTSD for several years, I know talking with someone or writing my feelings down helps in my recovery and have decided to use the same therapy techniques hoping it will help me handle the grief and not end it all.
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Morning everyone. Hope you are managing to find strength from somewhere and have lots of support around you. I’m not having a good day today. Feel really overwhelmed. Feel so angry that my husband is dead due to an admin mistake. I’m mad with everyone and doubting everything. Crisis team seem to have deserted me now and on bereavement counselling waiting list but been told it could be months. And they have messed up my medication. I just need my husband. Xxx
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JenW, Keep coming back on here like you’ve done today and let off steam, vent your anger, I don’t think anyone will blame or judge you.
We all handle grief differently, there is no right way or wrong way in dealing with grief. When I get any bad or days, I get it out of my system, either on social media platform like FB or on here. 
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Hi JenW. I find weekends the worst as well , don’t know why it’s just another day. A close family member told me that I should just stop crying now, that it’s only making me more depressed . I felt like saying “ oh ok then , I will just stop crying and won’t cry anymore” REALLY!! No I will cry as often as I need to.
I am slowly coping better, I can eat now and am rationalising some of the unbearable guilt feelings, I am lucky most people are wonderful, really supportive and understanding. So I think I am doing really well considering it was only May , but I know it’s a day by day thing.
I to am angry with some people not doing their job properly , just ticking boxes it seems to be now , but they are really busy. No excuse I know but it’s not going to bring our loved ones back, and what do they always say …lessons will be learned, but nothing seems to change .
I understand the counselling wait can be months and months , and we really need it now . When I spoke to my doctor she said leave it with me but I have heard nothing so I have been looking into going private.
Could you go for the counselling option that’s on here? I personally prefer to see someone In person , would not even feel comfortable with a telephone session. There are lots of private counsellors but you need one with the proper qualifications and one you can feel comfortable with.
Anti depressants did not work for me so am just getting lots of books from the library about bereavement taking each day by day and not thinking ahead.
Keep posting on here , we are listening and feel for you .
Sending love jss x
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Same reason I need my wife,they were our rock.Michael.
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Hi all, Just had to add an update to my original post. Although I still miss my loving wife terribly, I’ve had a tattoo in her memory on the back of my right hand where a little of her ashes were mixed with the ink and I immediately felt a strange calmness encompassing my whole being. I know that I will forever carry her in my mind and heart until I meet her again, but having her as part of me has given me so much comfort. I kiss the back of my hand goodnight before going to sleep, and kiss it in the morning as soon as I wake up.
Please do not judge me, I know that tattoos are not everyone’s cup of tea, but having struggled with depression for the best part of 10yrs, I was told by my Councelor that in her opinion I show classic signs of PTSD, having a tattoo has been my therapy, my way of inflicting pain and punishment on myself as opposed to just cutting myself through self harm.
Debra I know if you are looking down on me now, I always have loved you, always will love you. I always thought that without you I would just be a shell of my former self but now having this tattoo, I feel you are giving me the strength to keep going and keep your memory alive in our grandchildren. Can’t wait until we are together again xxxx 
IMG_20211104_174243_544|500x500
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We absolutely don’t judge you. Anything that makes you feel closer to your darling wife and anything that helps with this constant, unbearable pain. Good for you. So glad it has given you some peace xx
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Since my husband died I have felt a pressing need to get a tattoo. Our daughter - who has many tattoos - has said she will go with me as I have a real fear of needles.
I think what you have done is beautiful.
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Thank you very much Sheila, I can assure you the pain of loosing a loved one is a million times worse than the pain of getting the tattoo. What I don’t like from getting a tattoo is the itchiness you sometimes get during the healing process, it can drive you insane as you mustn’t scratch it xx
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Thank you so much for your comment JaneyS. It is my coping mechanism for my depression and PTSD. xx
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