Feel lost, sad and lonely.

It’s coming up for the 2nds anniversary of the day my lovely mum died. She had Parkinsons for about 7years, the last couple of years of her life was painful to see how she deteriorated, slow but gradually being able to do less and less for herself and eventually getting to the point where she couldn’t do anything for herself. She lost the ability to swallow or speak even though she still had all her faculties, she looked so frustrated being trapped inside her own body.
I’m am the youngest of 5 children and I was a big surprise, my mum was 40 when she had me. I spent a lot of time with my mum, still living at home when I got married (and also when I had my son) and only moved out 5 months before her death.
It’s 2 years since she died, and it still hurts so bad. I feel lost and lonely, my mum was my rock, I could talk to her about anything and she would always make me feel better. Now I feel alone despite having a very good family and friends. I feel like a little girl who’s had a bad dream, and I need my mum to hug me and tell me its all ok, it was just a dream.
I can’t seem to heal the hurt in my heart.
Ive been on anti depressants for over 2 years and they don’t really seem to help despite having the dose up’d.
I’m at a loss what to do.

Hello River
I am so sorry that you lost your mum and that you are missing her so much. We each have to find our own way to manage loss and it is often a rather rocky path…your mum is now at peace but she is still with you in your heart and if you listen carefully you will know that she has never left you…she may not be able to hold you close physically any more but her love still wraps itself around you…my mum died over fifty years ago but she lives on in my memories and I still look to her for comfort on occasions.
Perhaps you should go back to your doctor and see if a change of medication might help. Never forget that being a mum lasts for ever and you can now pass on all that your mum taught you to your own child.
There are many wonderful people on this site who will help you so please keep posting and reading .
Take care x

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Hi. River.
That’s a lovely profile name. A river flows down to the sea. Buddhists say that we are like a dewdrop that slides back into the ocean from whence we came. We become part of the whole yet retain our individuality. Seeing your mum slowly deteriorate must have been awful. My wife had dementia at the end and it is indeed very painful to watch.
Two years, ten years, the pain can still linger and be even worse at times. It does seem that although it is said that time heals, it does depend on what we mean by time. Months, years?
AG is so right. They are still with us, but not just in our memories but actually with us. It’s why I feel that being sad or miserable may make them sad also. It’s only my opinion. There are many way of expressing grief. As many ways as there are people grieving.
A bad dream?? Oh yes, I do know. One day we may awake in a better place and say ‘that was an awful dream I had last night’.
Take care, and may you find just a little peace here.

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Hello Amelie_sgran,
Thank you for your lovely encouraging message.
Yes I think I will have to go back to the doctors.
You are so right about passing on what my mum taught me. I do find myself saying and doing things like my mum used to, and that is quite comforting at times.
Thank you
Take care x

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Hello River,
Welcome to this group, I have never known such compassion and caring.
I am sorry that you are grieving so much.