Feel so guilty

I lost my father around 2 months ago as I can’t help but feel guilty as he died from pneumonia ( plus other underlying health problems which worsened this) , for around 2 weeks before he died I had a chesty cough and I can’t help but feel as though I gave him pneumonia or the chesty cough which caused this pneumonia, I feel like no one understands me and everyone will just say I’m wrong but I just know it was my fault.


I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss, medically I don’t know the ins and outs of pneumonia but I couldn’t pass by without leaving you a message. You said your father had underlying health problems it is likely he may have developed the pneumonia anyway, who knows what goes on in our bodies a lot of the time. I am sure you weren’t coughing in his face and were being careful and plus you didn’t develop a cough purposely, sadly it is just one of those things and you will not get a true answer to it. I have learnt through my own grief and reading about others that guilt plays a very big part, I think everyone has some whatever it maybe. I felt overwhelmed with guilt that I followed the lockdown rules and saw less of my Mum last year, I lived in fear of passing anything onto her as I have children at school, I didn’t allow her to hug my girls when we did see her for a walk and that breaks my heart. Sadly I am unable to turn back time and I have had to try my best not to over think it as I was starting to drive myself mad. My Mum died 12 days after a stage 4 cancer diagnosis, we had absolutely no idea she was fine with no symptoms until the final couple of months but we never imagined this, I was hoping we would get a little time with her before she passed but sadly she developed pneumonia too, I believe this was the result of an infection, had she not got that we may have had the visit to her garden that I longed for so much.
Please don’t beat yourself up, there is sadly nothing you can do change things, although you worry your cough may not have helped matters, there is a good chance it did not contribute in anyway too, I am sure your father wouldn’t want you beating yourself up over this especially as you are going through such a difficult time as it is.

Sending you a big virtual hug.

I lost my mom Feb 2020 to ovarian cancer it happened within 6 weeks n I feel so guilty for living when she had so much to give in life and the guilt tears me up inside I feel so lost n so lonely n nothing makes sense anymore :broken_heart: I’m so sorry about ur dad the death of a parent is really really hard to live with :sleepy:

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Sending you hugs today on what I am sure is a difficult day.

Hi, I just wanted to say I’m sorry for your loss and thank you for your reply, I keep trying to tell myself that it wasn’t my fault but even though I was not the main cause I feel like I started the chain reaction that led to it, he also had bowel ischaemia which I’ve tried researching but I’m not to sure what it is and I keep telling myself that that may have caused it and I keep googling stuff just trying to get answers but I can’t, all I had was a chesty cough and it wasn’t even bad but now I just feel like maybe I had pneumonia and didn’t know or a cold that led to his pneumonia, I just wish he went to the doctors and it all would have been but he was just that type of person not to go​:sob::sob:


I have been trying to have a read myself as I didn’t know what it was either, from what I have read it is also known as Intestinal ischemia, it says it occurs when blood flow to your intestines decreases due to a blocked blood vessel, usually an artery. It can be life threatening. Perforations of the intestines can also occur which can lead to infection, infections can lead to further problems such as sepsis and pneumonia. Obviously I am not a doctor and this is purely what I have read online, maybe have another look to try and make it clearer what the condition is or even see if you can speak to your/your Dads GP to see if they can give you a better explanation. I hope you don’t mind me looking and giving you this information, I know how hard it can be sometimes looking for answers to things and how confusing it can be, sometimes someone else having a read can help.

Do you have much support around you?

Thank you for researching it really means a lot to me I don’t mind u researching at all I have done so much research myself I realise appreciate it,I have also read about this and I’m not sure what stage of it my father was in whether he had the infection or not but that is something I will never know, I keep telling myself that may have been the cause to try add a sense of closure but it just makes me try and research it more just to find answers as I was not sure whether it was just infections of the lungs that cause pneumonia but i heard it can be similar to sepsis, I have tried researching so hard to find the answer to these questions but they just leave me with more questions than I started with and I have looked on every website to try find whether this infection caused by the perforation can chase pneumonia as I know it causes sepsis but no matter how much I do I can’t find the answers, the only possible way would probably be to talk to a doctor but I just don’t want to waste there time with my closure and I’d rather find the answers myself but I am struggling, I do have some support around me but I probably don’t use it to my best ability as I rather open up about it on here where it anonymous and I kind of see this as a form of councelling, once again I really appreciate what ur doing it means a lot as I am struggling to find answers by my myself I am still only in my early 20s and have my whole life ahead I just don’t want to live it like this

I lost my husband 18 weeks ago today. I’ve managed to get through the horriendous times that faced me, but only by the skin of my teeth. Emotional support stopped exactly 1 week after he died so I was bobbing up and down in the ocean of grief since then.

Slowly after 3 months I began to go a bit longer with crying at the drop of a hat. I began to do things around the house that had stacked up. I lost 2.5 stone during that time. But I felt I was not getting used to him not being there but starting to accept my fate.

This past Sunday I ordered 10 house plants to bring some new life into my home. So that is something to look forward to.

Now, for the Guilt. I’m 71yrs old and my husband was 45yrs old. He died suddenly in his sleep and the coroner has not found what killed him. For months before he died when I would try to talk about the day I’m gone what I wanted him to do such as what jewlery goes to who and mainly I wanted him to move on with his life. He would always come back sternly saying if I die he would be following me quickly. This became a soar topic and we stopped talking about whatifs. A week and 2 days before he died I got my first covid jab. over the next week i had mentioned i was thinking about not getting the second one. He fought me on this and made me promise I would get the second. Then he died. Mar. 31 I went and got my second jab but only because I had promised him. I didn’t want it but I don’t break promises. So my guilt is I’m still here and if I had died he wouldn’t be. I feel i’ve let him down I’m rationalising it that I’ve done the right thng but the guilt hangs over my head.

Sorry to hear you lost your Mom too Simone1, it really is so hard to live with. I totally understand the lost and lonely feeling and nothing making sense as I have felt this too. You really shouldn’t feel guilty for living though as I am sure your Mom wouldn’t want that, I can appreciate the difficulty with getting on with life as I feel it too and it almost feels like Mum is being left behind, sadly we cannot change what has happened and have to keep going as difficult as it is, they will never be forgotten and will live in our hearts and minds always. Sending hugs

Who diagnosed your father, was it at the hospital or GP? I am sure they wouldn’t see this as wasting their time if you did want to speak to them about it. If you are unable to speak to anyone at the hospital (if he went to one) then his GP should have it on his records, I really think talking to them will help to get some clearer answers, by reading things online you aren’t getting the actual truth and will drive yourself crazy I’m sure. Online support like this is great and I am finding it helpful myself as you can chat away and often typing it all out is easier, but do try and communicate else where if you can too, I struggled to start with and began feeling resentful to those close to me, I have since realised I have had to be the one to ‘make the first move’ and since I have opened up abit more I am feeling less resentful to those that don’t necessarily ask, as alot of the time they don’t know what to say.

He was never diagnosed they only knew what happened to him after his death as he refused to go to doctors and when the ambulance came they gave him oxygen and he improved but he deteriorated again, it would help to talk to a doctor to get closure but I feel like if I do and they tell me that it was most likely me that gave it to him it would make me feel worse and I am scared of that