Feel so guilty

I lost the love of my life just a week before Christmas. I missed him by a few minutes as missed the phone call from my son to say that my husband had collapsed. I did CPR straight away and when the ambulance arrived 45 minutes after my son rang them they worked on him for 45 minutes.
He died of a pulmonary embolism to the lung and had staged 4 kidney cancer which had spread. My husband never knew he had cancer and worked up to the day before taking paracetamol for the pain in his back. I noticed that he was sleeping more but he put it down to a previous accident which he had 20 months ago which shattered his elbow. He lost weight which I didn’t notice and had a night sweat and itchy skin. I made him a doctors appointment just a few weeks before he died and he was having tests. He didn’t get to have the cat scan as I cancel it from the Thursday to the Sunday as he had just started a new job and had lots of appointments that week. I feel so guilty for not noticing that he had lost weight and for cancelling the cat scan. We had just celebrated our 25th anniversary and he was my soulmate. I scream for him every morning and want him back. My son is 22 so though I don’t want this new life I got to carry on for him. He died not knowing he had cancer. I miss him so much and feel so lonely.


Hi @Hazel.1966
So sorry you have had the need to join us here due to losing your husband.
Firstly, whilst I can fully understand your feeling of guilt, a pulmonary embolus was unlikely to be linked to his cancer, and resuscitation, even done in hospital, is only successful in 10% of cases. It is unlikely that anything could have saved him that day.
I know my husband would have hated to be successfully resuscitated to find his life was severely restricted by damage to his heart. He was a strong, fit, busy many who would have hated not to be able to be the physical person he was.
Only you know how your husband may have found his life to be if he had been saved. Maybe he too, would have preferred not to be with what was ahead of him.

I know that doesn’t take away the horrible shock and disbelief, nor the grief of losing our loved ones but I have found it has helped me to believe that for my Richard it was probably the best way. He was totally happy when he died and thankfully he didn’t have to go through what I am now.

We used to have a pretend argument about who should die first as we didn’t want to be here without each other, little realising how utterly shattering the truth is.

Sending you love.


Hi Karen
Thank you for your reply. The doctor said that the pulmonary embolism was caused by the cancer as cancer causes thick blood. Just miss him so much and the pain is unbearable and wish I knew he was so ill so I could have got him to the doctor beforehand.