My husband died just over 3 months,ago. For the first few weeks I kept myself so busy I didn’t have time to think. Then I just felt so lethargic and unable to do anything for several weeks. Now I seem to swing between the two. I hate my life now. I miss my husband so much I don’t really want to carry on. But I have people who need me and rely on me, so I have to go on. Life has no meaning any more, there’s no structure. We used to get up together, do the shopping and make visits together, eat and watch TV we both enjoyed together, and go to bed together. I spent time going out with the grandchildren sometimes, and working, but otherwise we did mostly everything together for 30 years. And now, the void is so vast I feel like I’m drowning in nothingness. My family try to support me, but they have no idea how much I miss,my husband or how many nights I lay awake reliving our last few weeks together and crying because missing him hurts so much. People seem to think grief only lasts for a few weeks, then you just get over it. But I know this is never going away, I’m going to miss him for the rest of my days.
Morning @Biggles
I am sorry for your loss
It’s 10 months since I lost my husband suddenly to a heart attack. Nobody understands until they lose their spouse . How painful and lonely it can be .
I hope you have family and friends to support you . For me some days are better than others.I keep busy swimming, I have been to taking tables . And recently joined the U3A .All which stop my mind from working overtime. I hope you will find this forum helpful as I have . It is full of lovely supportive people who help each other where we can. I hope you find some peace in your day .
Dear Biggles nobody understands the pain of losing your loved one until it happens to them. Things improve bit by bit but the feeling of emptiness from missing our love is very much there always. We have to try and find things to keep active. Having your grandson to channel you love I’m sure will be of great benefit for you in the future. I hope you find some solace here where everyone understands the suffering of a bereavement
Wishing you all the strength you will need
Tom
Dear Sherbert10,
Thank you for your kind words. Until you lose a spouse you just can’t understand the depth of feelings you are left with. I thought losing my parents when I was still quite young was hard, but nothing compares to the loss of my husband. I know keeping busy is the way forward, to stop all those thoughts from constantly bombarding me with guilt, but it is exhausting. Good luck with U3A, I got my degree late in life, supported by my husband, and know how proud of me he was when I graduated.
Hi @Biggles
Thank you for your reply
I have also lost family members in the last 5 years . My gp told me the hardest grief you have is your spouse. He wasn’t wrong. The name of the U3A is misleading. It is not a university, it organisation, run by volunteers. They do lots of activities so far I have joined a walking group and a gardening group.I had never heard of it before. 2 nurses I met where I go swimming told me about it . They have them all over the country. Look after yourself
So sorry to read about your loss. You have described the situation I find myself in exactly. I really do hope we can find some solice soon because the pain is intolerable.
Thank you for reaching out I have an elderly friend, whom my husband and I have been friends with for 30 years. She lost her husband, whom my husband and I were,also friends of, 16 years,ago aftwr 50 years of marriage. This friend lives a long way from me so we cannot meet in person, but she,calls regularly to check on me and my grandson and she tells me she still misses her husband every day, but the pain becomes less. This has helped me. I now understand that I’ll never ‘get over’ his loss, but I will one day be able to think of him fondly without the guilt and without crying in despair. I look forward to that time. You too will reach that place, but don’t worry if it takes a while, months or even years. When you have had the joy of a good, long and loving marriage, it makes sense that it will take time to adjust.
Dear Biggles,
Thank you for your words. We were together 50 years and did everything together but the thing I miss the most is our laughing together. I hope this pain lessens and I can face some sort of future, right now it doesn’t seem realistic but I’m sure you friend is right.
Hi Biggles,
firstly I am very sorry for your loss, it’s truly heartbreaking I lost my wife a month ago and I feel your pain, there absolutely is nothing like it.
I am in the same place everything seems pointless but I too have people that rely on me so have to keep going whatever that means.
it’s my first day at work today after 3 months of looking after my wife then ultimately she passed away. I feel guilty, confused, sad, anxious, ok again and that cycle just continues.
I then feel more guilty when I have an ok moment as my wife lost her life so why should I feel ok.
I don’t know how to navigate this I’m just trying to take each hour as it comes.
Once again sorry for your loss I hope you can find the strength to move forward with it.
Michael
Dear Michael,
I’m sorry for your pain. Your loss is still so fresh, it takes time. You are so brave to return to work so soon. Like you, I feel life is pointless now my husband is no longer with me. That would hurt my grandson and children if they knew I felt like that, they wouldn’t understand and would question why they aren’t enough to lessen my pain. But as you are finding out, when you lose your soul mate, you miss those silly conversations about nothing, those sitting in silence without feeling the need to fill the quiet, the simple act of kindness like making a cup of tea, or just holding hands and not needing to say anything. My life is so meaningless now, that I couldn’t face going back to work, with all the pettyness and stress it involves, and I was fortunate to be able to retire early, so that is what I have done and although that doesn’t lessen my pain, it gives me space to grieve as I want, to stay up all night crying if I wish so that the next day I can appear fine to my grandson. I hope you find a way through your grief. I watch old videos of my husband just so I can watch his animated face and hear his voice. These upset me greatly, but at the same time they help m, as the thought of forgetting his beautiful smile or his lovely voice is just too much to bear. Take careof yourself, and remember,it’s okay to not be okay and to be selfish at times and allow yourself to grief any way you wish. Sending hugs xx
Dear Sue, 50 years of togetherness is a lot of shared moments. I am sure you will start to adjust to the ‘new normal’ eventually, but as you say, it is the little things you miss the most. Hold on to your memories of laughing together. We too had moments when we were in tears with laughter, usually over nothing, these memories are what holds you together through your grief. Look after yourself xx
Hi Biggles,
Thanks for the reply, yes I’m realising that it’s the small things in life that are the most important like making a cup of tea or going shopping things I always took for granted now I have a meltdown at the slightest thing.
Coming home from work today I cried all the way home, it’s just cruel and unkind I have been trying to prepare myself for when this happened, we had 3 years since my wife was diagnosed with secondary breast cancer so that was something I guess. I had no idea how much pain I would feel when the day came, we spoke about it.
I had no choice about work unfortunately I’m not quite ready to retire I’m 50 my wife was 51 and my work have been extremely accommodating for the part 3 years so I had to do my part, and sitting at home was sending me into a state also, everything looks the same but feels totally different.
I have tried looking at photos and videos but I’m not ready for that yet.
Sending hugs to you too I hope we can all find the strength to move forward 
Michael you are stronger than you realise. I find driving is one of the worst times as it allows too much time to think, and there are so many memories triggered by passing places we used to go together. My thoughts are with you. Get in touch any time you would like. This pain is so raw at the moment, but slowly we will adapt xx
Dear Biggies, I lost my husband 5 months ago, after 70 years of marriage. We were like one person, so I understand what you are going through. I couldn’t even think about him because the pain was so unbearable. I would try and distract myself with books or some stupid tv. I do have times now when I can remember and enjoy the times, it’s not all the time and the pain still waits for me. I hope this helps a little. From Bubbala(my special name for him). I’m
Dear Bubbala,
I can identify you feeling as though you were one being after 70 years of marriage, after such a long time I can imagine you would almost meld into a single person. I am so sorry for your pain, especially with it being so recent. I felt desperate to look at photos and videos of my husband in the first few weeks as they helped fill the gap. I still look at these regularly but now they are more of a comfort. I still can’t believe I will never see his sweet face again or feel his silky smooth hair through my fingers. The thing I miss most though, apart from his laugh, is the cups of tea he used to make me. Towards the end of his illness his legs didn’t work very well but he was determined to still bring me a cup of tea in bed for as long as he could. Unfortunately, despite my letting him know he didn’t need to, as time progressed there were several times when he either spilt the tea on the stair or landing carpet, or his legs gave way resulting in the entire cupfull spilling. The stair carpet, which is only a couple of years old, is covered in stains despite my best efforts to clean them. But now, they are a reminder of his love for me in the shape of his insisting he carried on bringing me those cups of tea for as long as he possibly could. I know the stairs are a disgrace, but I cannot bring myself to replace the carpet as it would be like losing him all over again. I wish you well and am sure you too have many reminders of your 70 years together to help you through this difficult time
Hello Biggles, love reading about your spouse, moments like those are what we treasure the most,..it wasn’t very often that my husband would bring me a cup of coffee, but when he did, that to me was the most wonderful, thoughtful thing…its been a little over 4 months since I lost my husband , I miss everything about him..life sure is lonely..
Hi Mary, yes,it is definitely the little things I miss most, even the little things that used to drive me mad, that I now miss so much. Take care xx
Hi.1 year today and is horrible,like hellDoes anyone stay in bed for a day or two no energy,no eating,awful??
Hi @Marg51
I am sorry your having such a bad time
I can’t offer any advice as I am 1 month
away from my 1 year anniversary.
Sending hugs
Hello Marg, so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in March, ..wanting to just stay in bed is definitely a sign of depression and not wanting to eat…do you have other family members or friends to look in on you once in awhile? It does help having someone close, or a pet is a good companion as well, ..i hope this site helps you too, there’s usually always someone here ready to talk. May God.guide and comfort you..