Hi. We had my mums funeral yesterday (my mum passed away suddenly and unexpectedly, just over 3 weeks ago).
I thought today would feel lighter but I have just felt so sad and weepy all day. I just miss her so much and I can not believe that I am never going to see her again.
I came to post on here now as I feel like telling my husband how many times I have chosen his needs to be with me, over time with my parents. I know that he probably hasn’t really done anything wrong but I feel so angry with him today.
The last few days that I saw my mum, just over 4 weeks ago, we were staying for the week near where they live now. When we arrived, they were there to meet us and we only spent about 15 minutes with them and then I chose to go for a walk with my husband and dog (which he wanted me to do) instead of spending some time sat with them. We did have some time with them on the following few days that we were staying but I could have done so much more (if I wasn’t so busy trying to keep my husband happy as well because we were also there on holiday). I want so badly to go back in time and re-live that week. If only I had known what the following week would bring. I feel so angry but I am trying to fight the urge to hurt him by saying all this to him - hence my vent on here - sorry x
If I could delete this post I would.
I am sorry if this upsets anyone who has lost a partner.
I just can’t help how messed up my head feels today x
I suppose what I desperately want, is to go back to that week and spend every minute, of every day, with my mum.
Hi @RachelM bless you, you can’t help how you feel. You are in the rawest stage of grief, and only just had your mum’s funeral. I think it’s OK to feel resentment every now and then, it doesn’t mean you don’t love and appreciate your husband. I find that I resent the fact my husband still has his mum, while I don’t have mine. It’s absolutely not his fault at all! But I can’t help being very jealous and thinking it’s not fair at all. I was so much closer to my mum than he is to his. My mum was everything to me, so the loss is massive. I think you’re in a heightened state of sadness and feelings like anger can happen and are natural as part of grief. I’m saying this like I’m wise and I’m not, I only lost my mum just over 2 months ago and I have been going through a whole host of emotions so still trying to navigate it all. I think we need to be kind to ourselves. I also wish I could go back and spend more time with my mum before she was in hospital. She wanted us to go out to shows together but I didn’t bother. I regret that so much now. I wish I’d done more fun things with her. But I’m clinging on to the things I did do - I took her on holidays. I took her out for meals and met her for dog walks. I spent every day with her in the hospital, apart from 1, for 5 weeks straight, and would have kept going every day. These things I DID do. I am sure there are things you did do with your mum, even if it was a while ago, that you’re not thinking about right now as you’re so sad with grief. But try to think about what you DID do, instead of what you didn’t? I know I need to follow my own advice xx
Hi @Woo4. Thank you for being there again and not making me feel bad for what I wrote.
I have had this anger all day and within minutes of letting it out on here, it lessened and I have managed to get through the day without saying something that I can’t take back.
It is just so hard isn’t it - the finality of it.
However much we have done with our loved ones - we would probably always want more.
Even if we’re not ready or able to follow our own words on here, hearing them always helps when it’s needed. Thank you 
x
Hi @RachelM that’s exactly it, the finality of it is hard to accept and process. We’re so used to having our mums in our lives, it’s incomprehensible that they could not be here anymore. No time would have ever been enough 
Try to do something for yourself tonight if you can - watch something you enjoy, or read, or have a relaxing bath, whatever it is to try and relax and breathe for a bit. Take care and here if you ever need to talk x
@Woo4. That is good advice and I am going to take it .
I hope that you have a settled night.
Thank you once again and I am here if you need me too 
x
Hi @RachelM and @Woo4 I hope you’re both okay today. I just wanted to say that I completely understand everything you’ve both written. I think guilt and resentment is very much a part of the grieving process but sadly we can’t go back and do things differently. I work part-time and wish I had gone to visit my Mum the day before she died, suddenly and unexpectedly. I wish I had spent more time with her during her last weeks and months. But hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it? If we’d known what was coming, of course our decisions would have been different. In the end there’s no point torturing ourselves with the ifs, buts and maybes. We need to show kindness to ourselves. Sending love, take care xx
Hi @Rosiepink. Thank you for your message. What you say is so true. Although hard to control, we do punish ourselves with these benefit of hindsight what ifs, don’t we. Not sure about everyone else but I find nights the worst. I have to try so hard not to focus on my mums last couple of minutes and the phone call to tell me. I really spiral if I don’t manage to control this.
I am so glad that I could post my feelings on here yesterday, rather than causing unnecessary hurt and arguments at home. Thank you everyone. It is so good to be there for each other x
I think it’s perfectly natural to wish you could relive that time and do things differently, and I can empathise with feeling resentful of your husband (though my resent is towards my sisters).
You shouldn’t feel bad about your emotions. What you are going through is so hard, I think anyone who has lost someone close will understand.
Hi @Claire35. Thank you for your supportive words. Having this place to come to, where we all truly understand all the emotions and feelings that each other experiences - really has been a lifeline for me and I think many many others. Thank you and I hope that I can be there for you or anyone else when needed too x
I understand how you feel. I often think back to the last time I saw my dad. He had been in hospital for three weeks and only allowed one visitor, my mum. The after my visit, he passed away. I really believe he was waiting to see me to say goodbye. I get annoyed with myself for leaving at 2:30. Then I remember I had to pick my daughters up from school and had no choice as my husband was working away that day. I was annoyed he was working far away but it’s no one’s fault and if we had all known what the following day would bring we would have done things differently. But there’s no point torturing ourselves- our parents wouldn’t want that at all. Just be kind to yourself xx
Hi @Mariesthename. Thank you for taking the time to reply and for your supportive words. You are so right, it is all hindsight isn’t it.
I did say to someone else on here, that it would be almost impossible to go through life living as though every time we saw each other, could be the last.
The what ifs are very difficult aren’t they but I have learned from shared experiences on here, that most people think about these things and just have to process it all.
Wishing us all strength and some moments of peace in between the sadness. Thank you x