Its now been 8 months since Paul passed.
Also has happened since then, causing extra untold stress. Not going to mention anything. It being, or has been dealt with. I would say the timing could have been better.
I had little motivation for months, even after going back to work. I only maintained being back for approx 5 weeks, then had to go off again for 5 weeks.
I went back on reduced hours, but then got ill, needing hospital treatment. Thankfully sorted.
After returning home I felt alive and invigorated, which sounds a bit bizarre after having a fairly serious infection.
I decided to do jobs around the house and garden, fairly successfully.
I have developed a routine which is good.
So many positive things.
However now I am starting to feel low and weepy, even though I have been very industrious.
I have been thinking about Paul, even more since starting the jobs, but even more so today.
This week is my birthday. My last birthday I waa 60, and Paul took me for a special meal.
I feel so lost now.
Sorry for rambling on. I just needed a sounding board. It looking for any pity.
Two of my friends will be away, so bit more lost.
Sasquach, Sorry that you are having a hard time, My grief comes in waves, I can be fine the some little thing puts me down. I have managed to get a few happy memories that I can call up when I am down.
I come on here for a chat, we all understand how you feel as we are on the same grief road I find it helps me
I know what you mean about birthdays. I am not looking forward to mine next month. Its been 10 weeks since that awful day. My husband left me three cards that I found. One for after he passed which I couldn’t open straight away but did a few weeks after. Then there are two others one I know was for my birthday as it has 60 on the front he wrote with kisses. The other was a blank enveolpe so I peeked in saw it was a birthday card so left it. Of course that one may have nothing written in at all but will ave it until the day. I have bookd the day off work as I know I will be a complete wreak when I open them as I was with the card he left me to open in March. I cry everyday anyway but I know “first” will always be a hell of lot worse without him here. I also am getting upset that once I open them I know that will be the last card I will ever receive from him, even typing this I am in tears thinking about it. I hate this “new life” I never asked for. We are all in this awful placwe that none of us wish to be in. People have started to do less contact I understand they have their own lives but the loneliness is so bad. Each day feels like a month and I hate being in the house that no longer I call a home, but when I go out I long to come back in as I hate being out seeing the world carring on with my husband in it. I feel that the only people that understand are on sites like this but thye are not here within this prison when you need the company. I have tried to go out but I feel like I always so sad and hate having to put a mask on for others. People stop asking you to things in the end anyway. Sorry for the vent today is not a good day. Haven’t seen anybody since Friday morning so guess I have done this to myself. There are only so many jobs you can do to fill time. Take care @Sasquach
Thank you for your response heartbroken12
I noticed I was overwhelmed by visitors fr the first couple of weeks, that was the time I was in a complete daze, spent all my time in my pyjamas and all I wanted to do was sleep through it.
After 2 weeks people stopped,so I understand that. Sorry it has happened to you.
Unfortunately due to the sudden nature of Paul’s death, he had to have a post mortem. This and financial circumstances delayed his funeral until about half way through October.
Paul was estranged from most of his remaining family sadly.
He had also lost contact with people how knew, after giving up work. Still had a few long term mates though.
Only two nieces were in semi contact.
One I did not know her address or contact number, so she didn’t get to know until the day of the funeral, when I found an envelope, with a letter and contact number from the previous year, informing him a niece had died.
I rang that evening. A bit stupid really. She was obviously upset, but took that out on me. Pretty horrible really and thoughtless
Do you have any children ? Unfortunately we didn’ t. I have got a little dog. 
.
It is good you are doing jobs. I couldn’t function at all for 3 months.
I avoided everything, just wanted to stay in bed and sleep.
I hated my “new life” too.
Loneliness is a huge factor. That is part of why I posted the message yesterday.
I felt sooo lonely. I had been visited the day before by one of my sisters and her husband, to help with some jobs in the house. It was lovely. However they then left after 5 hours. Had a bit of a catch up with my sister which was nice. We
I went back to work after 3 months, but it was a mistake. I was back off after a couple of months, but then went back.
Things did feel better
Unfortunately I developed a bad throat infection and ened up in hospital fir 6 days. After being discharged I believe it was a turning point, and I started to focus on doing jobs in the house which had been avoided, so understand about only so many jobs you can do. Fortunatetly or unfortunately it is a mammoth task.
Doing the stuff, like painting etc has definitely had me thinking more about Paul. Him not seeing me proactive, and working together.
I am trying to make tbe best of everything. Its all we can do.
I must admit to spensing the last 2 weeks, mostly on my own.
Keeping busy has been a distraction.
I know opening those cards was hard.
Vent as much as you want. Did you feel better ?
Why do you feel the need to put a face on". Just be yourself.
I am also sooo sorry for your loss.
We are a similar age. I turn 61 this week.
Paul used to get me a card and gift from the dog. Looks like I will have to get my own this year. Hope she has some money. 
. Speak anytime.
I must admit I hadn’t been on this site for a while until The other day.
Saquach
Thank you for taking time out to reply. Yes not a card from our loved ones is a killer. It’s the thought that once I do open my card next month then that’s it no more. I had my sixth counselling session today it was a tough one I spent more time crying than talking. I went back to work on 1 May on a phased back but I am struggling to be honest. In answer to your question no we did not have children or any pets so very lonely and nothing did me to focus on. You say it’s your birthday this week I wish what ever you do it goes how you want it to. Sending 
My pleasure.
The phased return is a good start.
Take work at your own pace. If you are struggling let your manager know.
One thing about work is the chance to mix and be amongst others, a bit of normalityy if that is possible.
Can you talk to any of the people you
with ? Ir do they avoid ?
Do you have and friends or siblings ?
I deal with the public every time I am in work. Some come in for one thing and then share part of their life stiry.
That was the hard part for me returning.
I didnt have the emotional energy.
Also I was soooo disorganised and chaotic. Sleeping wrong times, not eating or too much. Drinking alcohol. All as coping mechanisms.
I am thankful for my personal epiphany after the stint in hospital.
Still expect wobbles. Its natural.
Be yourself. No game face.
Take care