Feeling abandoned after loss of husband

I marked 10 months on 11/11/20!
10 months of pain and emptiness. It has been such a difficult time. I write this because I have felt so alone, as though the people walking on the street are all going home to perfect lives and I would happily trade mine with any of theirs, just to be rid of this constant ache. Then I come on to this website and realise there are other people willing to share their experiences, although difficult.
I turned 34 in October and didn’t mark it. It’s so unimportant now. The thing is, my friends and family are now (only 10 months later) joking about setting me up with somebody. It’s way too soon for that sort of humour. And then I think, all the things I ever wanted like a loving relationship, setting up a home, starting a family, having a life shared with someone you love, I actually had that. As I drive to work, I often think, “What are you doing all this for? You’ll get a good wages for all the hours you do but what will you spend it on? Who can you enjoy it with?”
Trying to get life back on track is hard, I break down so often at the thought of how hard it is to get up every day and provide good care.
Everything is a challenge and the one person who made everything better for me is gone. He is missed and so very loved. xxxx

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thank you for the responses which I’m reading to try and keep going. yesterday was a bad day and I couldn’t get out of bed after returning home from my mums but then the doorbell rang and it was tulip bulbs from my brother in law in Holland. I wanted to plant them this morning in a new flower bed my husband had been working on that lies empty and also plant the plants he’d bought to go in there before they die from frost. So i felt fairly OK in the afternoon but now I can’t get out of bed and the weather is turning. I just can’t see the point in anything.

@FleurDeLis I feel for you. I have days like that too. It’s something we have to struggle through. I’m here if I can help at all. Cxxx

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when you’re strong enough, why not plant the bulbs in tubs then if you decide to move homes you can easily take them with you, if you fear they would become target practice for your unsociable neighbours, then plant a marker where you can easily dig them up to go with you

hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today

blessings
Jen🦋

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I lost my lovely husband very suddenly last year too. There’s the absolute shock of it all in the midst of funeral arrangements and a seemingly endless pile of admin. I know I spent a lot of last year feeling angry. I wasn’t really angry with my husband, just bereft but it did often seem that the very people who should have been helping make my life easier - solicitor, bank, tax office - were doing the opposite. So I think anger is pretty understandable.

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I really feel for you. I think though that CPR would maybe have the best chance of working if the person collapsed in hospital? My husband collapsed unconscious on a bike ride. His friends had done first aid so began CPR, a passing nurse joined in and then an ambulance and the helicopter-medics turned up - he still couldn’t be saved though. Don’t feel guilty, you did everything you possibly could.

Thank you Jen, that is a really good idea xxx

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@JojoGT my condolences that you are in this club. It is unbelievable how some companies act i agree. I already had car insurance trying to upsell me for a years cover in advance when I was just changing the name of the current contract so I’m covered for vandalism/theft and told them I don’t drive!

Do you still feel angry now or did it subside for you and how are you doing now?

Hi, the anger did subside - it was only ever really directed at idiots who richly deserved it! Black humour - I had to phone the tax office, they kept messing up my tax code. When I finally got through, the operative said It says here you died in January. I said I don’t think you & I would be having this conversation if that was the case do you? Up till then, I was mildly amused, but he mumbled about needing to put me on hold while he spoke to his supervisor … and basically just left me because he knew he’d messed up. So I complained and got an apology and a £25 goodwill gesture.
What’s kept me going - and sane - is trying to stay as busy as I can. Clubs etc. because I’m retired. The emptiness and regret I guess are just always going to be with us, as are the bad days which appear out of the blue, but you do gradually learn to cope and look forward.

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@weerosanicks I totally understand how you are feeling xx god bless and take care of yourself xxxx

I’m having a nightmare with the electric and gas company! Both provided by the same company but now threatening to go to debt collectors!! They have been rang, emailed and written too , all I want is the account transferred from my hubby’s name into mine!!
Absolutely joke!!

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So many people but none are any help to us.

I haven’t done much useful the last days. I’m totally selfish and self absorbed and just hope I die now before I have to sort anything more out. Also too gutless to kill myself.

I would give every person in the world to have him back. I know that’s horrible and selfish. I still would.

Ah, I know it well. Any company with a ‘Bereavement Team’ will be absolutely useless. They are there to do one thing: Treat the bereaved with compassion and help them as much as possible. So write down the names you spoke to, the dates and don’t take their sh*t! Of course, they now use COVID as a convenient excuse!

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Sorry I was having a screaming fit before but back in sanity land now. its a shame I don’t know how to delete my posts when I get a bit nuts.

We should keep a sh!tlist of these companies and submit examples to a newspaper or something. It is the last thing people need when dealing with caring for parents amidst terrible grief for life partners and the rest. All this BS companies speak about supporting mental health day or awareness and then they put people through this.

Of course there are fine good ones too I know (I had a really nice one the other day at Aviva) but the lack of compassion from some is quite astounding. Hope your gas and electricity gets sorted without too much more effort mrsT1.

You no have to apologise to me xxx I understand everything you feel as been there or feeling it myself :heart::heart::broken_heart::broken_heart:

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Oh my! Yes I completely understand xxx it’s a nightmare that I would not wish on my worst enemy xxx my hubby on shy of 4 years and partner of shy of 7 years, we were alone and miserable for so long , this life i is s sooooo cruel xxx

Omg I can totally relate to everyone’s story that’s all we get told it’s due to covid.One bank in particular no empathy towards us wouldn’t deal with us but sent mail to house who do they think opens this and calls to be told no can’t deal with you it’s your husbands account.He’s passed away so what now so frustrated .

Bereavement team a joke no calls no letters nothing we’ve had to call constantly to deal with this and if I hear due to covid I’m gonna scream down the phone. Sick of bullxxx we should totally complain about the service I’m doing that defo covid or not

I know how your feeling but please hang in there just go day to day and remember your hubby would be right by your side but I know it’s soo hard love xc

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