I am writing my first post since losing my husband suddenly and unexpectedly in January this year. He was 39.
It has been a horrendous year for most but particularly for those who have lost the people they love. He was my person. We had been married a short 16 months when he passed away. Planning our future, trying for a baby, renovation projects - all the typical things couples do and look forward to after getting married. We’ve been trying to settle the estate since the funeral and it is quite the task. Aside from the stresses or finances, beneficiaries, mortgages etc. the grief has become deep, tense and overwhelming. I have had so many discussions looking up at my ceiling (cause that’s what makes sense) and have been so angry, emotional, why am I left with so much to tie up? Why have I to experience the discomfort of digging up his past which is turmoil for me.
I then experience intense guilt because I loved my husband so deeply and he was such a wonderful partner. The best!
If this strikes a chord with anyone let me know if you’ve experienced anger towards your loved one for leaving you.
Sending you all love, light and strength rough difficult times xxx
I understand how you feel. Settling an estate is horrible. I feel as if I am bit by bit shutting down my husband’s life. He’s gone, I know, but there’s so much of it and the people on the other end of the phone seem like so much plastic sympathy. I know he would never have left things in a mess had he known. He was struck by a very rare and vicious cancer and died within a couple of weeks of diagnosis.
You have lost so much, love, companionship, the family you would have had. You must be mourning all of that and it’s natural to feel anger at times, I wish I had the magic words to help you feel better, but I don’t. I just wanted to say, I am there too. Hugs, Cxx
I am so sorry to hear about your experience, your loss. Its so incredibly difficult. It’s just one big massive adjustment, you’re expected to have all these answers as if they teach you this in school. Well if there is some sort of user guide out there with tick lists included then I’d like a copy! The loss is so intense and extreme. At 33, I’m at an age where everyone around me is having baby after baby and it’s all on social media. The difficulty is that people my age generally don’t know how to talk to their friend or colleague about grief because they don’t know how to handle my grief.
I get angry when people would rather avoid me that sit awkwardly in my company, at least it’s company and they are present for me.
Anger is my stage currently. Let’s hope it passes quickly!
I have no words for you either, lovely. Just warmth and well wishes is as much as I can send xxx
I haven’t had any counselling, but a few people have told me to be very kind to myself. I hope you are being very kind to yourself. Scream, shout, let the anger out. Forgive yourself… I’m older than you, my relationship lasted for 18 years. I simply cannot imagine how you must feel. Your loss is too cruel for words. Please just know that I am here, thinking of you. Christie xxx
Hi, how awful for you. I was with my husband for over 40 years, had kids but only married 5 years ago. Recently our relationship had been difficult in recent years and now he’s gone, I feel very frightened I have to do things alone. It’s fear rather than anger
Yes, I’ve had the fear also and still very much do. The anger is fairly new though and it concerned me because my husband was my life. I lived and breathed this man and he was my future and so to have all this anger and frustration towards him is so alien to me.
I am afraid to step into a world where he doesn’t exist. I am a believer in his presence being around me but selfishly I want him here so I can hold his hand that proved we were each others and committed as man and wife. I am afraid to acknowledge that I am still here, I still have a life to live and surely that can’t be a life of constant sadness and aching for a man I’ll never see again (in this life!)
The fear is real but let it go as quickly as it comes. If you can have fear than you can also have hope. That’s equally as powerful Xx
I lost my husband on the 6th Aug this year he was 52 it happened in our house when I was alone with him. Had to try CPR but he didn’t make it I feel guilty I didn’t save him. Struggling every day dealing with all his estates feel I am so alone wish I wasn’t here to deal with all this.Cant make sense of it neither can my 2 children. Trying to keep it together but really dealing with banks etc they have no empathy and in this pandemic this struggle is so much harder.I feel frozen in time and can’t move forward he was my life for 33 years how are you supposed to get through this.
Oh gosh, that has been a very difficult and traumatic experience for you. I hope you are able to seek comfort and guidance and share your thoughts with someone who can help you process it all. My husband was also worked on at home but there was no saving him either. You did for him what he would have done for you if the shoe was on the other foot. Love knows no boundaries and unfortunately neither does death. Be proud that you stepped up for the man you loved when he needed you. You are very brave and very strong.
The people we have to speak to in order to sort banks, finances etc. should be better equipped and trained to handle these things more sensitively. I have been through that also and am currently going through a very messy settlement on my husband’s estate as he had children from a previous relationship and their mother is a very difficult person. I am just hoping that the people in charge of the estate do the legal, right and just thing by everyone he loved and who loved him and respect his wishes.
You will feel stuck in time. Leaving your house or even opening your front door is so draining and such a step into your new reality which is so emotionally difficult. Going to the shops and buying for fewer people (or in my case one) was enough to make me collapse to my knees the first time I came home with bags of groceries - not even exaggerating either. It is not a journey that you will enjoy, it will be hard. You have a family so make the most of their presence and support one another. Share your stories, cry together and say his name as often as you can. He lived, he loved and was loved. Look after your own health too xx
I completely agree with you about dealing the estate and all that financial crap, it’s so tiring isn’t it? A wise widow recently said to me was that the best way to get through the coming months was to accept every invitation, no matter how you feel. I have done my best to do just that even though staying in bed feels better.
Hi Sharon , I can really empathise with you xx I was in exactly the same situation in June . My hubby suffered the same , again I really tried to keep him with me but to no avail, I felt and still feel so very guilty about not being able to help him xx
I think that feeling is worse as I was a qualified trainer and used to teach people CPR , some trainer hey - couldn’t help the only person who meant the world to me!!!
I say used to be a trainer , that’s something I will never be able to do again…
I cou!d have written that . the paperwork has bought me Tony knees. I am so bad tempered angry utterly miserable and now likely to me locked down. I don’t know how I will get through
Hello, yes I too share feelings of anger, and feel so guilty for feeling that way. I have had to deal with the probate, his two sons and father are joint executors and trustees with me, I feel so out numbered, I feel his children are angry that they have to wait for me to die to inherit our property portfolio and money, nothing has been said but the occasional comment that there’s no money has been said. We met late in life, married for 11 years, together for 15. I just don’t understand why they think they are entitled to anything as they haven’t contributed to what we have built up, and couldn’t be bothered with us when their Dad was alive unless I organised it. I left everything legal and financial to my husband and I’m having to deal with things I don’t understand which is a great worry. So yes now and again I feel so angry and ask him why he did some of the things that he did, and having your children as executors is really not the best idea. My income has dropped by nearly 50%, they all have two incomes yet no one asks if I am OK. They just drop sarcastic comments about there “being no money”.
Stay strong, just accept that this is a normal reaction/emotion and we all have to push on and live our lives the best we can not only for us, but for our loved once’s that we have lost.
Hello MrsT1. Sorry this is so long after your post but I have only just seen it today.
I felt I had to write because you said you felt you weren’t able to be a CPR trainer again because you couldn’t save your husband. I understand how you could feel like that but you are wrong to feel it. I saw a medical programme on tv the other night on which the expert said that very few people who receive CPR outside a hospital (even by qualified first aiders) survive. That shook me. However, perhaps it might help you realise that you did all you could, you couldn’t have done more. Please try to get the guilt out of your mind and concentrate on the happy times you had with your husband. He would be so proud of your efforts to save him, I am positive.
Hugs, Ann x
I totally understand what your friend meant about accepting every invitation no matter how bad you feel, but I found that no invitations came my way as all our friends were still together and now six years down the line they still are. I feel as though couples who are still lucky enough to have each other have no idea of what we bereaved wives/husbands are going through. Perhaps they feel uncomfortable being in our company. But, one of these days, they will find out.
I’m totally with you on this they have no concept of what it’s like to lose your partner…But unfortunately they will this is life as hard as it is unfortunately iv learnt too soon xx
This thread and all the posts chime with me on so many levels. I am a 40 year old Widow since last month. I still can’t believe this is me.
Everything is such a mess as we didn’t expect this (I know - who does). Now I have to probably leave our house, when I got my period I realised that was the last chance for us having a baby. I can’t work or do anything useful and when I get time to think about my husband awful thoughts about the manner of his death and me dragging him around and punching him with CPR.
5 weeks ago I had endless contented days of comfort and joy with my soul mate stretching ahead, possibility of kids, a house I loved and we had made the perfect home for us, a beautiful garden in progress, a job promotion on the horizon, my husband was about to switch career to something he loved and looking forward to autumn cosy evenings and Christmas.
I can’t see the point of anything now.
I’m so sorry to read the hell you are going through and wish I could help you. Your honest post especially about the baby made me feel so much pain for you x
Oh FleurdeLis, that made me cry xxxx Bless you and may you find comfort xxx Please if you need someone to talk to message me , much love Louise xx
I’m so sorry for your loss my husband just passed away 6th August I had to do CPR on him also was on my own at time. I can’t get passed this keep replaying feel guilty couldn’t save him. I have 2 kids although adults you are dealing with his loss as well as future family I’m so sorry it’s so hard losing a partner I just say living day to day I also don’t see point in going on only think of him and what he would say to me as I think your husband would say to ypu sending you all my love and support and I know how your feeling xx
Fleur, I am so terribly sorry. Your husband was too young and to lose your future without warning is terrible. All I can say is, take all the time you need. I have a spare room here, you are welcome anytime. (Since my husband died, the house is sooo empty…) If you want to talk or scream at the injustice of it all, I’m here to listen. That Christmas is coming seems to make it worse - there will be no Christmas for me this year. My thoughts are with you. Christie xxx