Feeling alone

Having a really bad day today. Woke up positive but as the day has gone on I feel awful. Can’t stop crying. My husband passed away Oct 22 and I was starting to except being on my own but in Nov 23 I lost my Mum unexpectedly too, and it has taken me right back to square one. I haven’t allowed myself to grieve for my Mum as Im afraid I will just fall to pieces. I try to be strong for everyone as I have always been the strong one, but Im really struggling.

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Sorry for your loss ,y husband passed away with terminal cancer January 2024 ,grief is hard with two losses.Seek help if you are struggling ,do not be afraid to ask. I hope are ok

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I really relate to what you said about being the strong one - I always feel like I have to be there for everyone else before I take care of myself. But the truth is, I can’t show up for other people if I’m not looking after myself. And anytime I’ve avoided my feelings, they’ve always come back to bite me further down the road.

These days I try to allow the people who love me to be there for me too - it’s good for them as well as for me. Grief is too big for any of us to bear alone, but together we can support each other.

It’s scary to let ourselves feel all the feelings - they’re overwhelming sometimes. But I think the only way through is through. Maybe we have to let ourselves fall apart before we can start to rebuild :heart:

My husband died on the 1st February, 2024 and I feel that my life ended there as well, the time is going so slowly. People say it’s early days, I hate that phrase because it means I’m going to be grieving for years and years and that’s frightening for me. I’m very lonely now as everyone is gone now after being lots of friends and family for a few weeks. My son lives with me and he doesn’t really understand how i’m feeling, he’s grieving too but in a different way. We were married nearly 53 years (10th April 1971) and know each other since we were at school at 15 years old. He had been retired for 9 years so we were together basically 24/7. There’s a big hole left and silence, I have the radio on for background noise. I also wish I could go to sleep and not wake up, my 3 sons would be very upset and my friends so I’m trapped in this world wanting to go to heaven to see my beloved husband. I’m just trying to get his medical records as he shouldn’t have died like he did. It was the fault of the NHS waiting list unfortunately and that’s always in the back of my mind. My husband was very angry about how he was treated and I owe it to him to find out why. I feel like I’m going mad sometimes and need to speak to someone, maybe a grief counsellor?

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I’m so sorry for what you’re going through @Miniaturist5, it’s the absolute worst feeling like you’re all alone with the grief. I feel like that too - like everyone else gets to carry on with their lives and mine stopped happening the moment my partner died.

And I also hate those platitudes people come out with. I know they’re trying to ease the pain somehow, but it just makes me feel even more isolated when someone says something like that.

My least favourite are: ‘You’re so strong’ / ‘You’re doing so well’/ ‘This too shall pass’/ ‘It won’t always hurt this much’/ ‘This will cheer you up’/ ‘Remember the good times’/ ‘Better to have loved and lost’ or variations on those themes.

I just want to tell people to fuck off. It feels like they’re trying to rush me to feel better just so they can feel better.

It sounds like counselling would be helpful - having someone to vent to who isn’t emotionally involved is really important, I think. And you have this space too.

I hope you get some resolution around the stuff with the NHS, and feel free to ignore this but I’m just going to pose the question: is now the right time for you to focus on that? I’m not suggesting you let it go altogether, but it sounds like it would take a lot of energy, and I don’t know about you but I’m finding this whole grief thing bloody exhausting as it is. Maybe I’m wrong and it would be helpful for you to have something to focus on, but I thought it was worth mentioning :pray:

Sending love. Thank you for sharing x

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I totally understand what you mean about leaving the NHS claim. The thing that worries me is my memory, also doctors move on and some of the doctors said “weve let you down”. I need to find out who they were as it would help my case. Ive got a year but i think thats too long as PALS said. Thanks for your message, yes it does feel lonely as people have their lives to live, thinking about it maybe in the past i was just as guilty of that?

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That makes total sense. Perhaps getting some counselling would help you navigate all this as well as providing more general support.

I’m sure we all do it - there’s only so much time and energy we can devote to other people, however much we care about them.

I’ve been trying to focus on the intention behind the clichés - to appreciate that what people are actually saying is, ‘I care about you and I want you to be ok’. Ultimately, no words are going to bring back the ones we’ve lost, but I’m still grateful that my friends and family are doing their best to be as supportive as they can :heart:

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So sorry for your loss. I feel your pain. Sending hugs, and hope this forum is helping a little

I feel the same way @Mourningbird
Every one gets to carry on with their lives and mine has stopped. I also feel like all my friends need me to be normal and they are sick of me being sad.

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Im just sitting here in the afternoon, waking up from a sleep after lunch and music playing on the radio. Is it just me but im finding any sort of music makes me feel really bad and so so sad? I have to turn it off!! Its about 10 weeks since my lovely Alan passed and im feeling so sad and alone. Our 53rd wedding anniversary is in a couple of days, i wish he was here, i miss him so much. My son who lives with me cant understand why im so upset so i cry in tbe batgroom or my bedroom when he’s at home.

Sorry bathroom or bedroom!!