I put on a brave face for everyone around me because i don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable or become a burden to the people i love, but i am still hurting. I suspect my antidepressants are probably numbing the feelings a bit but when i do allow myself to cry and grieve, i just shut it off and contain myself until the next time i am alone. Because of this, i think people have just forgotten how much this hurts. I resent the fact that they all watch me smile and laugh and be normal everyday, and i feel so bitter and guilty that they must think i am fine when i am the furthest thing from fine. Nobody wants to talk to me about it, not even my best friends, who avoid the topic like the plague, and the counselling that i was receiving has ended. I recognise the importance of talking about my feelings but it is so disheartening when i feel as though nobody wants to hear it/thinks i even need to talk anymore because i am ‘better’.
I hear you. People tend to avoid the subject after a while, probably because they don’t know what to say and so they hope you’re doing better. And every time you speak up it feels like burdening them. Thank goodness for this place, where we can vent about just how bad it is and no one judges us. But it does make you feel very lonely in real life. My counselling has ended now too and it’s hard not having any outlets for the grief. 
Hi Fudge 68
People are all so different. Some don’t want to talk about grief. Others don’t know what yo say so do ont say anything. Others say the wrong things or something that comes across as heartless. Others are interested but think they will upset you if they ask anything. Others are just nosey and talking just to find out information. So there are very few people around who genuinely care and are interested. I personally vhave come across all the ones above. The people who you think will be there for you are not and it hurts . It’s at times like this you really realise who your true friends are.
What I would say is post as much and as often as you want. Everyone on here understands and no one will judge you. Post about your feelings ,rant if it helps,talk about anything noand post anytime 24/7.
This site has been my lifeline. I don’t know what would have happened to me if I hadn’t come across this site. You will feel the same.
Take each day at a time and plan small steps for each day. A small step for me in the beginning veas getting out of bed or making a cup of tea. That was a huge goal for me as I couldn’t function.
Thinking of you Deborah x
Yes I recall same when my parents died ages ago now.
I remember going to stop with my friend in Scotland thinking I would be distracted but I wasn’t of course. I know I went on long walks thinking I could ran away. But didn’t when mum died as the house to sort out. I still wear my mum’s coat in the snow. I hoared my dad’s clothes and his ornaments are still around. I planted his plants in my garden. I am only just arranging for their headstone all these year’s later. I always wanted to and it never happened. When I was organising my husband’s headstone decided I wanted to get it done at last.
Feeling an orphan even although I was an adult. Now I am older than both of them ever was.
Hi Enorac,
Thinking of you.
I still wear my mums clothes. Well some of them and I know she would want me to and be so happy they are being used. It gives me great comfort.
I planted her roses in my garden too and brought back her tubs with forget me nots in them and all the solar lights so I feel she is everywhere at my house. It all helps.
Keep posting as this site is so lovely for gaining support and friendships
Love Deborah x
I’m on antidepressants too but still have the occasional meltdown. The pills have also helped my insomnia so at least now I get some sleep. I was my mum’s main carer as well as working full time since my dad died just over 3 years ago. Mum died almost 5 months ago, I’m still struggling and am on the waiting list for counselling. One of the worst things is feeling so lonely now I’m living on my own. xx
Keep posting on here Victoria. It helps so much to share our pain with others who understand
Deborah x
I’m doing pretty much the same my love.
It feels I don’t break down until my partner leaves the house. And when I break down when he’s here I don’t feel like I can cry properly or make any noise. I don’t think he knows how to handle what’s happening as such. He’s not a very emotional person.
But you do need to let it out one way or another. I’ve actually been sitting on my bedside and talking to my Mums photo and ashes…. I cry, I talk, I say things I want to say - it’s strangely comforting and I pull myself together and carry on about my day.
I must say even reading these posts, even if you don’t post a lot yourself, is comforting. It’s nice to know someone else feels the same way.
Sending you love xx
I am so sorry for your losses. That sounds so difficult. the mental health system in this country is a joke, i have been on medication for nearly 2 years (prescribed and increased by 3 different psychiatrists) and yet we are all left with no resources. It truly is the loneliest feeling in the world xx
It is so comforting to know that others feel the same way. I also talk to my Dad sometimes, although it feels strange. I try not to blame the people around me for avoiding the topic and making me feel as though i can’t seek comfort from them, but it feels unfair that anyone should have to go through something like this alone. Sending you lots of love too
That sounds so difficult. It feels so strange to have to make arrangements like this for someone who you never thought you would have to live without. Thinking of you
Thank you so much for this. Yes, it is so hard to navigate everyone else’s apprehension about the situation while also dealing with my own grief. This site has been so helpful to me, and there are so many kind people on here. I just find it so unfair that we have been united through something so awful and heartbreaking. Sending lots of love
Hi Fudge,
You are right. It’s so heartbreaking. I am so grateful though for the lovely people on here. It truly is a wonderful site.
Keep going, keep positive, and plan small steps for each day .
Love Deborah x
I miss my mum so much after she died 10 weeks ago and it seems to be getting worse. I go to her room andctalk to her and wonder how she can possibly not be there.
I am so sorry. It is so strange to think that they are no longer here. Please keep strong
Yes it is good to share about mum. Thinking about her actually because when she was widowed like me she tried her best to make the best if it. I am trying to as well thinking of how she was before she died too. She actually tried to make the best of it.
She had more help than me. I got her help. I am going on my own like she would have done to a Warner Leisure two night break 12 miles away. Mum would have said get out and try to enjoy yourself.
I am not sure what it will be like. Had a wobbly today because my son was stopping me getting ready keep on ringing me up. Just as I was on a roll. I went back down the garage to get a little cabin bag because it has wheels and think I gave the last one to my son years ago and the only one I had had no wheels. Trying to figure out smallest amount I can take.
Some things can’t do without.
Enjoy yourself at Warner’s. I went on my first solo trip to Warner’s (Sinah Warren) in January, it was supposed to have been a birthday treat for Mum but she unfortunately died 2 weeks before so I went on my own, it was the day after her funeral so found it a bit emotional. Mum would have wanted me to go, I made myself join in a lot of the activities to take my mind off things and enjoyed it. xx
Oh well fone got going away Which Warners is it Mum and I went to the one in north Wales as few weeks before she passed away. I would love to go back but am not strong enough to go yet
Have a lovely time
Deborah x