I’m always pleased to receive the Sue Ryder “Latest Conversation…” email because it starts off by saying “How are you feeling today?”. I must admit that for over two years I have been asking myself “how am I today?”. But yesterday evening I asked myself the question “What would make me happy?”. During my evening work and dinner and relaxation, I kept on thinking about this. I went through the inevitable family, friends, hobbies but failed to be satisfied with any of them.
My thoughts went back to a time, many years before my mother was diagnosed when I used to enjoy Saturday shopping and cinema trips to Manchester. As a yound=ge man still living at home I was very self-obsessed and selfish with my own enjoyment and thinking about my big question I remember on many occasions going to the cinema and looking at my watch as soon as the film started, almost as a reflex because I had plenty of time on my hands. In fact, an entire afternoon to do as I wish. I had to conclude that i probably wasn’t enjoying myself, but never really realised it until now.
Don’t get me wrong. I do enjoy the cinema and I enjoy films and film festivals. I still remember and greatly enjoyed my last fill festival in Glasgow a few years ago and enjoyed the real pleasure of sitting through the seven samurai without a nod or a twitch. Something I have not done since a BFI film tour many years ago.
In the midst of my strange feelings since my mother died and I gave up work, I find it easier not trouble myself with things that do not arouse my passion. I do not have a great desire to go out drink, eat or socialise as used to ( and lost 3 stone in weight
as a result). I rarely go to the cinema but enjoyed the Dickens film at my new local boutique cinema. I also now enjoy talking in the street to strangers I recognise by sight and locals I never knew til now. One even asked me if i’d lost weight.
One benefit is that my money needs are very much less than before. Even half of what they were when I was working. I enjoy getting up and 5:30 and going to bed at 8, Relaxing and listening to a whole CD. Something I have not done since I last bought one. I don’t ‘nip out’ anywhere any more, but I do go out to enjoy the experience of shopping for food and planning my next purchase which will be a new smaller pair of walking trousers that will better fit my thinner self.
So I suppose without asking, I have answered my own question and over this Christmas period, I hope you all find the answers to your unanswered questions!
