FEELING ANGER

Hello,
I seem to be stuck in the “anger” stage of grief. it’s like being PMS-ey only worse.
I get angry when people ask me, “what’s the matter?” when I say I’m not feeling brilliant or having a tough time. i snapped at someone today for asking me “so what’s wrong?”, I said “my MOM’S DEAD !! that’s what’s wrong!”
i hate having to explain WHY i’m feeling or being the way i am . and i hate it when people say “oh yes, it’s the lockdown… bound to get people down”, i said NO, it’s NOT THE FREAKING LOCKDOWN…my MOM DIED!!"
and I hate having to explain why I’m so angry about her death. I’m still trying to process it and I myself can’t figure it all out yet. I know it’s to do with her being narcissist to start with and now she’s dead. I feel abandoned for the second time. I feel as though i have to grieve for the second time and now it’s even worse because she’s dead. so i’m having to do this all by myself, to parent myself in all totality. Before, when she was still around I was holding on to hope that I could still get shreds of love or attention from her, and I did when she is in a good mood. and now that she’s dead there is no chance of even scraps of that! there…! that’s why i’m so angry.

1 Like

Hi Jude,
I understand your angry stage and probably most people here do too . I seem to be stuck in the angry stage. It’s nearly seven months since I lost my husband and I’m so angry at the world , my life, and other people that are getting on with their lives, moaning about when lockdowns over - their lives will be back to normal, mine will never be normal again.
I hope this does pass I’ve turned into someone I don’t recognise.
Just another part of grief.
That’s my angry rant over :joy:
Steph x

2 Likes

Hi jude
I’m still at the angry stage and it’s been 11 and a half months since my mum died suddenly and unexpectedly. I’m angry with her for not going to the doctors and getting checked out (she died of a massive bleed on the brain but her post mortem showed a historic heart attack which she must have had an idea about)
I get angry with her fir leaving me (I had only convinced her to come and live with us 10 months earlier)
I get angry that she wont see my daughter, her beloved granddaughter grow into an adult.
But most of all I’m angry with myself for not noticing that she wasnt right, for thinking life was normal and for having little arguments with her when she got on my nerves. I dont think I will ever come to terms with losing her. So I really understand how you are feeling.
Cheryl x

1 Like

Hi Cheryl, although I am not medically trained since my husband died suddenly I have researched the human heart and it’s ailments ad infinitum. I needed to understand how he could die mid conversation with no warning.
It is possible to have a silent heart attack and be unaware that the heart muscle has been damaged so it might be that your mum didn’t know and wasn’t keeping anything from you. It could save you being angry on that point when there is so much else to be angry about.
I hope you don’t mind me mentioning that but grief is exhausting enough as we all know unfortunately. X

1 Like

Hi Steph, I feel exactly the same as you.xx

2 Likes

Hi Barbara, it’s a constant angry feeling, I wish I didn’t feel like this and I know you do too xx

1 Like

Hi Jude, I am so sorry to hear about your mum and the anguish you are feeling. On this site you don’t have to explain why you feel so angry . Anyone who has lost someone close understands. Also that realisation of the finality of death and what can no longer be addressed is nightmarish. I hope in time you can reconcile your anger but from my experience having lost my husband suddenly seven months ago there is no one solution. Talking to others on this site is a very good start. Take care.

1 Like

I can’t believe how constant it is Steph. I am angry at the world, a lot of the people in it but most of all angry at what our lovely husbands have missed. They so deserved to live.xx

2 Likes

Thanks jobar. You’re probably right. Its just that I only found out she fell over in the kitchen a week before she died because she told my 20 year old niece. Also my 13 year old daughter told me that she was often tired and out if breath when they walked to school. She hid these things from me and that makes me angry too. I know why she did it. She knew I would moan at her and she would have been right. I suppose I still cant accept that she has gone :disappointed_relieved:

Hi Jobar,
Did your research reveal anything? What happened to your husband, also happened to my dad, although he was asleep, and several other people who I know indirectly.
My mom knows a lady who was in the car driving and singing with her husband. He stopped singing suddenly. Another person was at work and got up from his desk. So many other similar situations.
Just wondering if you have found anything. I did tons of research too. It was dissatisfying in the end. It left me wondering why, at least in the USA, there are preventative tests performed all the time for colon screening, kidney function, mamograms etc, but the number 1 being heart seems largely ignored.
In my dad’s case, we think it was a cardiac arrest from an arythmia.
We will never truly understand it. He was a lively healthy guy.
You are navigating this the best that you can - I admire your posts.
Warmly,
Ell

Hi Ell,
I absolutely agree with you that heart screening is sadly lacking. It’s one thing I hope to get involved in campaigning for when I feel stronger. Like your father, sadly, my husband died from a cardiac arrhythmia. However in his case his sudden death was diagnosed as a heart attack. He died in another city and his health records were never consulted and from the very beginning my sons and I disputed the diagnosis. They knew nothing about my husband and it seemed like an off the cuff decision. it was as if he were another middle aged (64) man who happened to collapse and die, no questions asked. Although referred to the coroner he refused a post mortem. We could not accept this and argued for a hospital post mortem. This showed that my husband had not died of a heart attack but most probably an arrythmia. One of his valves showed a congenital malformation which affected the blood flow through his heart causing it to enlarge and damage the muscle. It meant that CPR and a defibrillator had no effect. He had been taking low dose medication for moderate hypertension but was on annual review. The cause of his hypertension was never investigated thoroughly - just treated as a consequence of getting older. Even basic checks would have alerted the doctor to investigate further. When I asked his GP why these hadn’t been done she said it was because he had no symptoms to warrant them. I always thought the point of screening is to detect a condition before symptoms arise.
The heart valve issue means that my sons have to be screened as it can be hereditary. Without the post mortem we would not have known this. I cannot explain how angry and upset this has made me as not only do I feel that my husband was failed but potentially my sons also. What has also left me reeling is the fact that no one has ever apologised nor shown any interest in making sure that such a mistake is avoided in future. It’s a case of you win some you lose some. We have an ongoing enquiry at the hospital and I am determined to make sure that such a cavalier attitude to a sudden death should not be repeated. my son witnessed my husbands death but no-one at the hospital would listen to him. He displayed not one symptom of a heart attack but that is what we were supposed to accept. It was lazy and disrespectful to my husband who deserved so much more. Attention to detail is paramount if anything is to be learned. On a national level it is scandalous, on a personal level it is devastating.
As you will probably have gathered from this reply, I became obsessed with researching heart conditions and how they can be prevented. I live every day with the knowledge that my husbands premature death was preventable and it is absolutely unbearable.
The cost of effective screening is nothing compared to the consequences of not doing it.

Sorry Ell
I pressed reply too soon again!
Huge sums are spent in the UK every year researching heart disease mainly by charities.
So much is now known about all sorts of conditions, how to prevent or detect and manage them. Much more could and should be done in putting this knowledge into practice.
Unfortunately we know only too well the consequences of not doing this. I know from reading your posts how much you and your family have suffered as a result of your father’s sudden death and I am truly sorry. It’s beyond devastating.
Sending warm wishes
Jobar

Thank you Jobar
Sadly we have this similar situation in common.
What could have been done had his valve been detected? Can it be repaired? Did the hypertension medication have a negative effect on him?
I understand your need and urgency to find out what happened. Any healthy adult who suffers a sudden death, the family is shocked and needs a clear answer. Mainly, we just want our life back the way that it was.
I am sad for your sons and the terror for your son who was with him.
My father also had 0 symptoms. The only symptom was 100% loss of life. He had a finding on a routine ekg about a year earlier (his doctor does this test as part of the check-up) and was sent for follow-up tests that he thought were dumb because he felt fine. A nuclear stress test showed nothing. He had an echocardiogram which found electrical block - his doctor did not investigate any further (why!??) he did not tell us about it because it is generally believed to be a benign effect of an aging body. He figured it was nothing and that is what he told all of us - he said he passed his tests and it was not a big deal. However, I found out later from an expert who published research on the topic, that it is not as benign as previously thought, and can cause sudden death without any symptoms.
The only one gift that your husband and my dad got is that they did not know. They were happy.
:purple_heart:
Ell

1 Like

Hi Ell,
I have sent you a private message but not sure if it has been sent!

I too am raging.

Raging at my wife who ignored her symptoms of chest pain, leg pain, breathlessness. But then, those only lasted two days before she, quite literally, at the age of 46, dropped down dead within seconds of saying “Help me. I can’t breathe.” It was a pulmonary embolism caused by a DVT, and the clot had blocked her whole heart.

I am raging at the hospital because she went in Feb for leg pain and was told there was no DVT despite a positive blood test. But then, symptoms vanished for two months.

Mostly, I am raging at the cosmic injustice of it all. My wife was smart, kind, and we had so many plans. Now our dogs look for her, and I am left with her ashes that I’ll scatter in Iceland where we got married once the planes are flying again.

Of course this experience turns us into people we don’t recognize: it fundamentally changes you and there’s no going back. I feel like a hollowed out shell, navigating the world as if I were a ghost. I am still in shock, disbelief, and raging at the grenade that has been detonated in my life leaving me with no.idea how to reassemble the pieces.

3 Likes

i like that…grenade.
i do feel like a bomb site at the moment. all these mangled memories and scattered, charred, deformed emotions and thoughts. wow !! what a mental image…
and right now, i feel like all i got to tidy this mess up is a dust pan and brush !! hahaha! this image makes me giggle and cry at the same time. ah…grief…

Back to top