Feeling at the end of the road

Don’t know if this is normal, but I feel at the end of a very sad road. I have tried so hard to get to grips with my situation, my new life, a life I didn’t choose. I’m struggling to find reasons to carry on, you would think that my 3 beautiful children would be reason enough, what kind of mother am I. So it’s 4 pm I’m not dressed, and have already had a drink. My daughter will be home soon, and I will be dressed, and look in control when she walks through the door. How did I get here !

Hi Lesley
I don’t know about normal what is normal after suffering like this.
I do exactly the same thing when I’m with my kids or anyone I put on a brave face and they all think I’m coping well. When alone like now it’s a horrible,miserable,lonely life that I did not choose or want. It’s almost 7 months for me now and I have no idea how or why I’m still here. I’m clinging on by my fingertips just for the kids. I believe we are still here for some reason although I can’t work it out yet.
Please take care
William

So sorry Lesleym,sounds like you are having a hard time with it all,it,s trying to get past the Whats the point feeling,and finding the motivation from deep down to want to keep moving.Doesn’t,t matter what anyone suggests you have to find that.We are all having these days,when nothing helps,it all seems dark and we are exhausted by the emotion.You have the extra pressure of keeping things so called normal for your children,mum is their rock,mum is strong,yet you must feel as far from that at the moment.But you will know what,s needed,you will gain strength again from somewhere inside,because we do.The love you have for your children will be the strength in time that will move you through in your grief to a better place ,we just can,t see that far ahead ,each day one at a time is enough to handle.Hope you can see a light ahead soon xx

Thank you William and Robina,
Yes that’s right I am having to be strong, or appear to be. And yes I am so far from that now. I used to be strong and capable of dealing with life’s knocks, but not anymore. I get fed up with the pretence of it all. I have been having counselling for the last few months and it was helping me do much, it was through work so it was for a limited time, now its finished. I really bonded with my Counseller, he was just so in tune with me. I feel lost again, more alone than ever. I can’t stand the thought of going through it again, starting with another counseller, I don’t have the energy. I think that’s why I have had a dip again.
Anyway thanks xx

Hi Lesleym
My wife died in mid August and I have reached a point where I am comfortable in several aspects of my life. I don’t expect that life will ever be quite as fulfilling as it was and I expect to grieve for the rest of my life. If I knew how I have got to where I am now I would share that with you.
As I’ve always been comfortable in my own company and as I have always done many things on my own I suspect that may have helped. I’ve never been reliant on anyone else for anything, I’m self centred and I’m selfish.
I suppose I realised that I had to have some sort of plan or objective for living forward but I’ve worked out that it’s more about what I haven’t done than what I have done.
I wasn’t prepared to accept a life of being paralysed by grief or guilt or fear.
I didn’t change much in terms of the practical side of things. As I’d looked after and cared for my wife I knew I had the practical survival skills. We never did shopping together so it’s no big deal to go shopping.
My wife had always encouraged to pursue a wide range of interest so I’ve gone back to a lot of them.
I think I probably have what I would call a strong mind and I knew that to make the requisite changes I would need determination and a strong will. Like everybody else I suffer the usual internal dialogue but over many years I have learned a number of techniques to still my mind and to reframe my view of things. Nowadays they would probably be lumped together as meditation and mindfulness, an ability to live in the exact moment and to quell negative intrusive thoughts.
As you have had counselling sessions you may find it worthwhile to speak to a health professional about the longer term impact of that and whether it would be possible to be referred for different therapies. It’s difficult to talk about mental health issues but, in effect, something needs to happen, some intervention, to tackle your existing issues (notice I didn’t use capital letters on the words mental health). We all want improved mental health when dealing with grief and we know that any change or accommodation must come from the mind. Not everybody has the strength or resources to do that alone and that’s where the correct help may come in.
I’m sure you really know all this but maybe a reminder can be useful sometimes. Doing nothing is not an option really and you can’t pretend for ever. It’s a positive sign that you can effect change before your daughter gets home so you are motivated to do that. Maybe that’s a step to build on.
Having just read back that it doesn’t look very empathic but I am.

That sounds good, you seem comfortable with your situation, and that’s fine. Me, I’m not ok with my situation, I’m shattered by it. I have to carry on, but I really don’t want too. If I’m honest, I feel trapped in this life, I have to be here, but I don’t want to be. Life hurts, and I hate it.
Thanks though, it helps to get another perspective!

Lesley

I hope that today is a better day for you and less painful. I’m not sure that I’m comfortable with my situation and I suppose, like you, I dread slipping back into the abyss. I’ve lost my mother, my wife and my favourite aunt in a short period of time but feel I have to live on in the knowledge that is what they would have wanted.I am fortunate in that I don’t have any financial problems, I’m not threatened with homelessness, and as far as I know I don’t have any major health problems and I’m aware that many others do have such problems. I suppose I’m ambivalent about being here. It’s no big deal either way. I dare not spend too long reflecting on how unlucky I’ve been losing three woman that were so important as it would have a predictable outcome. As I said to a friend recently, I’ve never felt so well off and never felt so poor.
We are trapped in our lives. We are complete individuals and only we can decide what happens next and how we choose to deal with that. I agree that life hurts, particularly in comparison to the life we had where everything was so good. It will never be good again but maybe we can hope for a slight improvement, then maybe a bit more.

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Thank you, and I hope I didn’t come across as implying you weren’t hurting and uncaring. I was just saying you seemed in a better frame of mind than me.
Thanks again
Lesley

That’s fine. That was yesterday. We just have to get through today and then we can think about tomorrow.
I don’t think there’s any doubt that you were in a much worse place than me. It’s a place I struggled to recognise and I tell myself I’m grateful for that.

Good morning Lesley
Hope you are feeling a bit better this morning.
William

Morning William,
Woken up very agitated today, like there is more rubbish to come. Like a big black cloud over my head ? I just wish I could have some rest bite from this.
Anyway that’s me again, just miserable I suppose.
How are you doing ? And how is that beautiful granddaughter ?
Lesley

Hi Lesleym, I’m so sorry to read that you’re feeling so low. I don’t know if you’ve considered our bereavement counselling at all? You can register here within the community and book and initial assessment.

In the meantime, if you feel you’d like to talk to someone, Cruse Bereavement have a helpline 0808 808 1677.

Take care of yourself.
Nancy

Thanks Nancy,
But I think I’m done,

Thanks again though

Lesley

Hi Lesley
Sorry to say but I’m miserable as well it’s like a swan on the outside everything is fine but underneath all hell is breaking loose. Little Ella is doing great 5 months now I’ve tried to add her photo to profile hope it works not good with technology. Hope your day is a little easier.
Take care William

She’s lovely, you must be proud.
Good analogy, the swan !
Lesley x

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