Feeling betrayed after death of partner

My partner of 5yrs died in my arms of a heart attack on 25th March.
We had just moved into a new home and he was settling down after retiring from life at sea. We were engaged to be married and to say I’m devastated is an understatement.
However on his phone and iPad were messages where he was using an escort agency for messages- 6 times over the past 3 months.
I now feel as though I have lost 2 men - the one I thought I knew and the Other one.
My mind is in a turmoil. I will never let his daughters know the truth and when I am speaking with them my grief is as real as theirs .
However at night time I feel so angry and betrayed - I know I’ll never know why - but need a way to cope with this awful information now have .


I will private message you. It may help you.


Hi. Kathypat. In all the pain and grief when you hear something that shatters your faith It’s so hard to bear and can stay with you for a while. We never really know each other even after years of marriage or partnership. Everyone has secrets. If he was only using it for messages then he may have had that need. I doubt he was unfaithful. But you loved him and he you. Men are so different to women in an emotional sense. To most women a relationship is almost entirely emotional. To a man the physical element can be important. I am generalising of course.
Take your time to try and forgive. Only you know how much he loved you and cherish the time you had together.
It will not be easy, Nothing in grief ever is. But for the moment take it a day at a time. Let your emotions out, no bottling up. I’m glad you found this site. Very good advice here from kind people.
Blessings. Take care of yourself. John.


Hello, Kathypat,
I am so sorry that you feel how you do at one of the most vulnerable times in your life, it must hurt terribly. Who knows what goes on in others’ minds, even though we know them so well, I agree with John, men have a completely different mindset to we women. How do we know what our loved ones are thinking? The sad thing is, you are unable to ask him what it was all about. Your finding those messages does not mean that he was unfaithful, he may have been messaging for someone else.
Again, I am really sorry,
Take care

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hi Katyypat
very sorry that you’ve discovered something on the ipad and phone.please before you give your self more heartache,consider an innocent reason for these messages.heres hoping your mind can be put at rest without causing you more hurt.

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Thank you for your messages of support - I am trying to get into my head that he would never hurt me and would be devastated to find out that I know about these visits. He was a lovely man but at times had very low self esteem and I realise the escorts would have made him feel special. The love he had for me was obvious to everyone who knew him and I’m clinging to that thought. I hope that I will eventually be able to push these thoughts to the back of my mind - I am heartbroken for him - he had so much to live for - a little granddaughter who he adored and a lovely home and he had saved enough money which when combined with mine meant he didnt have to go back to sea .
Im taking a day at a time - and hearing from other people us a great help as I have only told one if my sisters and feel I dont want to burden her all the time
Thank you again for your messages - much appreciated

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