I don’t even know where to start, my head is such a mess.
My partner and I had broken up two months before he died in a car crash at the end of November 2023. He’d been struggling with his mental health for months and our relationship had disintegrated over the summer. It was horribly sad for both of us, but living together had become impossible and he decided he was done trying to make it work.
The breakup had hit me really hard and I was nowhere near over it. The night he died, we had met up with some friends - the first time we’d seen each other since he ended things - and I was so glad to see him. I left that meeting feeling hopeful that we would be able to have a solid friendship once the dust had settled. It was nice to feel ‘ok’ around him.
He died on his way home and I found out the next morning.
I feel completely lost. There were so many things I still needed to resolve with him, so much healing we both needed to do, and now all that will never happen. I have so many conflicting thoughts and feelings - a lot of rage, disbelief, sadness. It just feels so cruel.
And on top of that, his mum has this image of him in her head that he was some kind of saintly being who could do no wrong. And I respect her right, as his mother, to remember him however she needs to, but it feels like a lie because he could be very difficult and hurtful, even though he didn’t mean to be. Last summer was a nightmare, and it’s like she’s erased that whole chunk of his life from “the Narrative” - and by extension, a chunk of my life too.
I’m not really looking for advice, just wanted to share and see if anyone else relates.
Thanks for letting me share 
have you had any bereavment counselling for it ? I had some - helps a bit you know xx
xx