Feeling constantly sad.

It has now been 16 months since my wife passed. I still feel as if I am in a daze. I do feel constantly sad, not morbid but sad and empty all the time. Even now it doesn’t feel real, which is probably why I am typing this at 3am , some nights I don’t want to sleep because I miss her so much. I think I am going through the motions of living. I read posts on this forum and am so sorry about other people’s experiences and try to realise that loss is part of living but I still just feel so much like crying all the time. Married 45 years and together 5 before that. The other day a person said perhaps I should “move on”? I really don’t know what that means. I had to politely walk away. All around me are memories and though I try to think about our happy times, that makes me more sad to know that there will not be any more. With the pandemic and it’s restrictions,the bad weather and everyone else having problems, I do wonder why I am still here. Life just doesn’t seem worth living any more.

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Dear Malc; you are not alone with the way you are feeling…I for one can echo everything you have said and I have been without my lovely caring husband a while longer than you but as you say the ongoing pandemic isn’t helping. All the news seems to be negative which I think isn’t helping our situation at all but adding to the anxiety.
I feel so unreal at times as though I’m playing a strange role in a play and wanting it to stop and I can feel like I used to. I put on my going out face and dread some well meaning person come up with some words of wisdom for me like …well you could meet somebody else…or Pete wouldn’t want you to feel like this. …
I feel for you and your loss as 50 years together is a lifetime and you must have been very happy. I often wonder how Pete would be feeling if he had been the one left in this surreal situation and I am so glad that he isn’t.
There will be countless people on this site that can connect with what you have written as I for one can wholeheartedly. Hoping for peace at some time on this unwanted journey we travel.
Thoughts and best wishes,
Jenny

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Thank you for your kind replies. I am grateful for the support we give each other. I think the words “unwanted journey” sums up grief. I was going about my day and getting on the bus home(? I say home but now it is just a place), I sat down and the tears began.

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Dear Mal39200

I can relate to much of what you have written. It is also 16 months since I lost my husband. Married over 38 years and together four years before that. Following a recent visit to the opticians I was prescribed eye-drops to ease the pain being caused by all the crying. Not used them because I can’t administer them myself and this simple thing emphasises in the most stupid and silly way how much me and my husband were a team.

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Dear @Malc39200,
We are on similar timelines, it’s 18 months and 5 days since I lost my wife. Your words echo exactly my own thoughts. There isn’t a minute of every day that I don’t think of my wife, the only way I get through each day is spending ages on my laptop, trying to lose myself in anything I can find. Because life holds nothing for me now. Everything is meaningless and pointless. There is no “moving on” or “getting over” our losses. I find afternoons are the worst, and often try to lose myself in sleep instead of enduring waking hours. Bedtime always brings tears, I think the feelings just pile up during the day then overflow when I talk to my wife at night, and so many thoughts fly through my head. I never thought I’d survive 18 minutes without my wife, never mind 18 months. But I still pray to God each day that it will be my last on this earth, it’s the only thing that will stop this earth-bound pain in my heart.

And @Sheila26, I know what you mean about the eye drops. I’ve always been able to administer my own, but my wife just couldn’t do hers, so that was my task. I’d give anything to be able to do that again.

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Thank you for your kind words, I am so sorry for your losses. A friend said to me that “the longer you were with someone,the greater the grief when they are gone”, I don’t think that’s true in all cases because I have read some sad stories on here of people who lost a loved one after a very short time. All I do know is that the feelings I have for her,the love,is still there and things now are not the same. We seem to share similar timelines and feelings so again I thank you for those words which have helped me not to feel so alone. The worst time for me is night time to some nights I don’t sleep at all. I know that’s not healthy but everything does seem out of sync now, unbalanced, as if there is only part of me here. Malc

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An update. There never seems to be an end to this pain. Is there a point to carrying on? I am in my mid 60s, I just feel so sad. I don’t feel that I am living any more.

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Dear @Malc39200,
I’m now 1 year 31 weeks and 5 days down the line, and I totally agree with your words. I’ll be 66 this year, and every day I wonder why the hell am I still here, what is the point? I no longer have a purpose, I’ll never be truly happy ever again, I have absolutely no desire to meet or marry another partner, and I will mourn my wife till the day I die. My wife was everything to me, my entire world, and without her I am lost, simply existing in a void. A psychic medium told me I’d live until the age of 86, and that statement horrified me. Twenty years without my wife beside me? That’s ⅔ of the life I had with my wife, and there’s no way I will (or want to) survive that long without her. I’m just treading water now, biding my time and waiting for the inevitable.

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Dear Bristles and Alston

Same here. I don’t look ahead as I don’t want to think how much time I have to wait until I am reunited with my husband. Friends and family do not comprehend the level of my grief - how could they as they still have partners - but I too know that this broken heart can only be mended once I am back in my husband’s arms.

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Hi. Thank you to those who replied. I said to a friend today that I can’t see my future changing. At 66 what else is there? She was my whole world and as some of you have said, life now is just an existence, made worse by COVID and the feelings of abandonment by institutions that are overwhelmed and not able to do the job they should. Sorry, I think my ‘angry stage’ is rearing it’s head again. Peace and blessings to you all.
Malc

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