It’s totally irrational but I feel so much guilt towards my John who died unexpectedly in March just two months after our holiday.
This time last year we decided to go on a Xmas cruise flying to Dominican Republic. John really wanted to go and was as excited as me.
He was very good and wore the stockings on the flight and had no alcohol.
I didn’t wear the stockings and had a few vodkas.
On the cruise he had a few days with a ships’ cough which put him to bed which was extremely unusual for John.
Back home he was fine for a few weeks but then felt tight chested walking in cold air. Even in bed couldn’t have the window open.
He saw his doc who arranged blood tests.
Then he felt dizzy and actually fainted so back to the doctors.
There was a family history of pulmonary fibrosis but that was cleared so he felt better about that.
He then had ‘cramp ‘ badly in his lower leg but that passed.
Two days later he felt better and we were going out for a walk but he had to sit down to put his trainers on and two hours later he’d gone.
Pulmonary Embolism with lower limb DVT.
Why didn’t I realise, why didn’t I insist more at the doctors, why did I not relate with the cramp, why did I book a long haul…
Hi Mitzi. I really feel for you after reading your post. It must have been such a terrible shock after a wonderful holiday. I know it’s easy to say but there’s nothing for you to feel guilty about as you weren’t to know. But guilt is so easy to carry and almost impossible to put away. My husband also died of a pulmonary embolism and I carried guilt for a long time as the last thing he ever did was to take me for a scan. He collapsed outside the house when we returned and never saw inside his home or patted his beloved dog again. It takes some coming to terms with but I hope in time you can break free of some of the guilt and focus on the good things you did and that wonderful last holiday. Take care.
Dear @Mitzi1
My 52 year old fit and well husband died in his sleep from Sudden Arrythmic Death Syndrome in March.
I too, carry a lot of guilt. Cam was sleeping in the spare room because I snore. I heard a beeping noise coming from upstairs but thought it was just one our phones/tablets. The noise was actually his smart watch beeping because his heart rate was low.
I relive those moments- I could’ve checked, I could’ve started CPR, the paramedics could’ve resuscitated him….
The early days were horrendous and I hated myself. I’m having therapy now to help me carry on without guilt.
All I can say is, the deaths of our loved ones is beyond our control and at some point we may accept that.
Take care of yourself @Mitzi1 , you couldn’t have done more. 