Feeling Guilty and alone

I lost my wife 29/12/2021 after caring for her for most of our married life. She suffered with COPD in October 2017 she had a double Lung Transplant that was not without complications causing her to be in Harefield Hospital for 6 months I travelled to see her at least 4 times a week which was a 3hour round trip . When she came home apart from being weak she could breath again but still required care I did all the cooking cleaning . Then at the beginning of 2021 she was diagnosed with a skin cancer , before she could have it removed she had a fall and broke a hip another month in hospital . The skin cancer was removed a short time later. When all of that was done she was even weaker requiring more care which I considered a privilege to do for her. As time went on she became frailer and frailer suffering many chest infections , 0n the 14th December I had to call an ambulance as she was so ill after 2 days we were talking about her being home for Christmas The next day she was in intensive care and on a dialysis. Now for my guilt I went to see her she did not know I was there I could not bear to see her like that I had seen her through so much and I knew there was nothing I could do for her I could not bear to be with her at the end and I am now reproaching myself I do not see anybody just sit at home torturing myself


I am so sorry for your loss. Please do not feel guilty we have all been there it just shows the love you had for your wife that you couldn’t see her go through any pain. I was with my husband when he passed, I watched the doctors and nurses work on him for 15 min it was very aggressive before they called it. They asked me if I wanted to be there and I said yes, but when I close my eyes that’s all I see. Somethings in life we are not meant to see. You did so much for your wife through illness and you have nothing to feel guilty about. Please don’t torture yourself, try to think of the good you did. Your wife wouldn’t want you to be thinking like this am sure.
Take care x


Dear Mountain

My husband was killed in a motorbike accident. The police rushed me to the hospital but he died before I got there. They asked me to ID him but I refused and now live with the guilt that our son had to do this. But the reality is that I had waved my husband off in the morning, all smiles, and that was how I need to remember him.

Please do not feel guilty. You were/are clearly a devoted husband.

Keep posting, you are among friends who understand.


Hi mountain
I looked after my husband during his many problems in his cancer battle. He died at home, had a bed in the living room. I had a few breakdowns in his last few days but on his last day I had a major meltdown. I said I couldn’t do it and felt guilty because I had been there for him all the time and now at the end I could hardly look at him. With the help of my family I did manage but only just. When he died had a major panic attack and had to leave my family to deal with things as I just couldn’t see him lying there.
Please don’t feel guilty you were there with your wife when she needed you and looked after her well and you have all your good memories. I know it’s difficult but try to focus on those.
Take care xx


I totally agree with all the others who have replied to you.
You must try to stop torturing yourself (as hard as that is) but try to focus on all the caring and love you showed to your wife over the years.
We are all the same, beating ourselves up about things we wish we’d done differently/better/quicker etc.
So sorry for your sad loss of your wife, but she will have known how much you loved her and cared for her, she really will.
Have you any friends of family who you can see? I hope so. Even just a little chat on the phone can help.

Try and look after yourself, although I understand how hard that will seem at the moment.

Take care
Janey x


Thank you so much for your response it is a great comfort to me. I have since found out that Christina signed a DNR when she was admitted on the 14/12/21/ I think of this in two ways ,being an ex nurse she knew how ill she was or she had suffered enough, even a combination of both.
Her first husband died in the mid 90s he was in his 50,s . We often talked about him it was obvious how much she loved him but in a different way she loved me. Christina had 2 sons as do I . I have not seen any of them since the funeral 6 weeks ago the only contact I have with them is if I text them they never contact me. I collected her ashes yesterday sometime before she died we discussed what would we would like to happen to things we agreed that our ashes would be divided half to her sons so that they could be scatterd where her first husbands ashes the remaining ashes to be scatterd with mine . As it would appear to be strange to have to different names on the plaque where her 1st husband is I have suggested that they use the family name . In her will she wants her family to have a keepsake so I can do nothing until they have been hear to select what they would like whenever that may be.
Once again Thank You so much for contacting me. I hope I have not bored you
Regards Mountain


Thank you for your kind words it was a great comfort to me.

Regards Mountain

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Thank you for your Kind words they were a great comfort and support to me.
Regards Mountain