My wife, Betty, died in July from a recurrence, last year, of her 2010 breast cancer. We had been married for 58 years and I feel very fortunate that we had so many happy years together. Since her passing I have. as expected, experienced feelings of great loss and loneliness but overwhelmingly I have also developed feelings of guilt. Guilt that I should have said more and have comforted her more in those last days and weeks as she slipped away. I keep going over those last visits thinking that perhapsI could have been more supportive. I have been encouraged to read one or two other posts which have said the same sort of thing and I would be very interested to know if others have had these same feelings and have any advice to give.
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@JohnB I feel I must answer you straight away. I think 58 years of marriage speaks volumes of the love you and your wife Betty had for each other. You have nothing to feel guilty for. She knew you better than she knew herself and having you by her side during her last days would have given her all the love and support she needed. You both went through that terrible time together. She would be proud of you and for your courage writing here. 
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The ending of someone’s life is just a moment in time. You were with her for 58 years. Please don’t define your relationship on the end of her life. Just being by her side is all she would have wanted and you were there. My dad barely said a word when my mum was dying. He was quiet and by her side. It’s the most traumatic experience to have to go through. How we react we have little control over in those horrible dark days. But you were there. Love shows itself in so many different ways. A word. A touch. A look. Or simply being with them. She knows you more than you know yourself. She knew you were there. That’s all anyone can try to do.
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Very well put Jooles45. Death IS just a moment in time. i wish I’d thought of that when I went through hours of guilt and regret after my husband died. i know I did everything possible but that didn’t stop me wanting to have done more. i think it is because we wanted a perfect ending and nothing felt too good for them. We all did our best and our partners would have known that.
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I guess because death is the final moment. Our minds think that whatever we did it will never be enough. We scrutinise everything . Because it was our last moment with them. I don’t think anyone will ever come away without thinking they could have or should have done more. It’s only because we loved them so much and watching someone slip away is so painful and there is nothing we can do about it. We will always wish for more. That’s love.
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Hello my wife passed away 3 months ago to Metastatic breast Cancer that had spread to the bones and later it got on to the live she was only 51.
We were married for 23 years & have a 14 year old Daughter.
I feel guilty that I put her into a hospice but I was scared that I would not be able to control her pain & I feel guilty if smile or laugh not that I do that often.
Guilt is a horrible thing
Sorry I dont know if I am writing this in the correct place as only posted some comments one day a few weeks ago. I felt compelled to say I also get swamped by guilt that my Mum died in a hospice when she really wanted to die at home. But after talking to my sister, who worked as a nurse before she had a second baby, Mum semi reluctantly conceded that she didnt like the idea of having a hospital bed in the living room. It is a terrace with only 2 downstairs rooms and she had become too disabled to go up or down the steep stairs. We had ordered a stairlift but was expensive and my older sister talked my Dad into cancelling it. I am heartbroken that my lovely mum had her impending death thrust on her because a colo rectal surgeon attempted to do a colonoscopy to check for cancer before GP would arrange some kind of surgery for her embarrassing (to her; flatulence etc) rectal prolapse. He did a sigmoidoscopy ok but must have caused damage internally a month after with colonoscopy as when I was allowed upstairs in Woodlands hospital in Kettering to collect her after a long wait the dr had gone but left report saying it was unsuccessful because mum had bowel pockets or diverticulosis. I wish I’d insisted on accompanying her. would it not have bern mum’s human right to have a chaperone, as she was 75 with leukemia & a child sexual abuse survivor. ),Sorry here’s my grief going round my head… But we were struggling to cope and ‘fire-fighting’, with poor Mum instantly suddenly unable to walk, empty her bladder or bowel independently, Even her eyes got floaters so was very hard to read and do her daily guardian crossword. Haematologist kept saying Mum had 6 months then 3 then 6 weeks. Mum survived from the pain and 5 emergency admissions to Kettering General from May 2016 til 19th December 2016. On the 3rd stay she got huge open pressure sores which they diagnosed as shingles until on last admission the Emergency department consultant told me they were bed/ pressure sores or sometimes called ulcers.
I think the system we encountered was lacking in many ways causing our darling Mum so much more severe unbearable suffering than anyone should ever have to endure. I wish we had been helped to have care in the home. Its upsetting to lnow how frightening the stays in hospital were. I cant find peace because of it and that dad was too I don’t know, maybe embarrassed, proud, to let us com0lain. Now it’s over 3 years so cannot get help for getting real apologies and changes to the care of elderly.
Thankyou for reading. It is just difficult to be a home family carer without professional experienced support and guidance. I was juggling all the jobs of ordering meds, giving mum her meds, emptying and changing catheter bags, trying to keep mum hygienic while getting the use of incontinence pads to work for Mum. I could go on. Dad is coming to stay a night just like Mum used to. God bless everyone.
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I am so sorry to hear of your Mums pain & the way she was treated by gp & consultant.
To make a compliant against gp & consultant is very hard emotionally.
My wife went back & forth to the gp with pains all over her body for probably 18 months to 2 years she was sent for the odd xray blood test tsken she went every week with pain to the Doc most months.
Then after admitting her self to hosp in Aug 2019 she was diagnosed with lesions on the bones & diagnosed with Metastatic breast Cancer that had spread to the bones and later in the liver she passed away 20 July this year age 51 & we have a 14 year old Daughter.
I promised my wife Tanya that I would do my absolute best to get answers so I put a official complaint in to nhs England complaints department.
I recently got a letter of explanation saying the gp etc done what they could.
But I have done what I could & hit a brick wall & realised that I would never get the answer that I wanted I relise I could not bring Tanya my wife back but I wanted answers from someone to admit they messed up but the nhs will stick together even though I feel %100 someone messed up.
I miss my wife every minute of every day & am absolutely heartbroken.
Good luck & God bless.
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Thank you very much for your comforting comments
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Many thanks for your sensitive and helpful replies.
Thank you Jean2.
I think guilt is part of the grieving process and very normal all different emotions from anger to numbness and every thing in between
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Thanks Pammie, it’s reassuring to read that.
I think we all have some guilt and what ifs
My husband died aged 57 from prostrate cancer after nearly 3 years back and forth to docs by time of diagnosis it was in his bones,I’m always thinking why didn’t I push doctors more to find out what was wrong.I also feel guilty on the day he passed me my son & daughter went to cafe while he was going to have scan after being rushed to hospital with swollen legs when we returned he had gone.
I replay this in my mind all the time.i can’t really give much advice only it’s quite normal to have these feelings of guilt.
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