I keep reliving over and over the night my husband had his cardiac arrest too (in October this year). He had a heart condition and had a heart attack 4 years before but he was under meds and medical supervision and had been fine in the months, weeks, days before so it was a total shock. He watched match of the day that night and came to bed late, I briefly spoke to him, he was ok. But he was a bit restless in bed after that. I didn’t ask him why as I was so tired from a busy Saturday. I wish I had now and maybe we would have called the ambulance sooner? I drifted in and out of sleep and woke up suddenly to sounds of horrendous choking. Apparently at that stage the heart had already stopped. His eyes were open but I could see nothing there, he was gone. called the ambulance and my 15 years old son had to do CPR for while they sent me out to get a defibrillator. The paramedics managed to get his heart going again wafter working on him for almost 2 hours and he went to hospital but after a week, he hadn’t woken up and they told us that his brain had suffered too much damage and he would never regained consciouness. A few days later he passed away. We couldn’t even say proper goodbyes. It was so horrific to have to see him like this and I keep thinking that I should have noticed something wasn’t right and asked him why he was so restless in bed but I didn’t and this will stay with me forever sadly.
I feel so sad for my teenage son as well as he had to give him CPR for about 10 minutes before the ambulance arrived.
How do I get past this?
Hi @Emmanna. You are not alone. I had my own heart attack, but recovered. I also ran a cardiac rehab exercise group for 2 or 3 years. You would have thought that I could spot a heart attack!! But I didnt. My wife woke me up with chest pains at 1am. But convinced me it was indigestion. So we went back to bed, then she woke me again a few hours later when the pain got worse.
That time I phoned for an ambulance, but sadly she died in hospital a week later. So I had that self same guilt! Would she have still died if I had reacted differently at 1am? I dont know, but there was so much damage to her heart, I suspect not.
That was 20 months ago, and during that time Ive managed to forgive myself, Im only human with human frailties.
There’s no good side of feeling guilt! Bit by bit, replace the guilty thought with the thousands of happy memories you have…
Forgiveness isnt easy, but its worth working at.
Thank you for your reply @tykey , it sounds like you went through a similar experience as mine sadly. I think sometimes we want to reassure ourselves that nothing serious is happening and miss the obvious. Perhaps it is only human… I hope one day, I can focus on the happy memories and forget that awful night and the days after.
Hi Tykey,
Just read your post.What wonderful sound advice. Guilt is so cruel and I have felt terribly guilty for calling an ambulance bec my mum was simply being sick a lot. Would she still be here today if I hadn’t bec they soon put her on end of life and that was it. Like you I am just starting to see signs of me coming out of thinking I shouldn’t have done this that or the other. It takes time and for me it’s now one year and I starting to just think a little differently. The advice in your post is foot on so thank you bec it has helped me reading it .
Deborah x
Thanks@seychelles. You may find that when we start forgiving ourselves, we begin to realise that the things we feel guilty about weren’t actually like what we thought they were. Then it becomes even easier to forgive ourselves.
I learnt that from a therapist.
You can do this.
Hi Tykey,
Yes that’s how I am starting to feel.
I also watched an A and E television programme about a lady whose mum had been taken onto hosp via ambulance and she too had a twisted bowel and her daughter was told the exact same as me. DNA put in place ,end of life care etc and it showed the doc explaining all this. However in a far nicer approachable way than I had. It could have been me in that programme and in fact I saw the video again on Facebook only last week. With mum’s first anniversary coming up on 30th Dec it was like I was meant to watch it again. As if she was saying I couldn’t have done anymore. Well that’s the way I am thinking and a teeny bit of my anger is going which certainly was not the case last year.
I suppose we have to go through all the emotions to eventually heal a little. But I know what you mean in your post as I can feel myself starting to heal,think slightly different and ease off a little from the guilt feelings.
Thank you for replying .This is what’s so lovely about this site. Even a year on and people are like yourself still around posting helping other people.
Big hugs
Deborah x
Deborah, as we say in Yorkshire, “It’ll be reight!”. Have a nice Xmas!
Oh my your story is exactly the same as mine i lost my husband 5 months next thursday to a cardiac arrest he was 54 me and my son did cpr he was having a seizure when i woke it haunts me we too at to turn the life support off its so traumatic and heartbreaking here if you need a chat 
xx
Thank you for sharing your story. Indeed it is exactly the same, we too had to turn off life support. So awful and traumatic. There seems to be so many people dying of cardiac arrest at a too young age xxx
Yes i agree and find it strange how since covid there are defibrillators popping up everywhere even schools. Something doesnt sit right with it all.
But im not going to go on because it wont bring them back 
xxx
@Emmanna
Guilt sadly seems to be a companion of our journey in grief. We all know its unwanted as it makes this tough journey all the more tougher. But like you , I too am just not able to get over it even a bit. I lost my husband of 19 years suddenly to a heart attack 4 months back. He was 48 years old. I was not with him that moment, and it was very massive. I have so much guilt of not having done his reg. tests , been more strict with his diet. I never thought anything like this could happen. He was so healthy. I keep trying to tell myself that it was not in my control, and to forgive myself… but I am badly stuck and looking for help too. Reading here that people have been able to firgive themselves, gives me some hope. This burden of guilt along with the tremendous pain of grief is just too much to bear.