I lost my mum two and a half year’s ago, but till this day its feels like my fault. I miss her so much, i miss her voice, her advice, i miss just to write to her about some small things going on. And just to talk to her.
So bit more than two and a half years ago i found out im pregnant with our first baby. My mum was the one waiting for that to happen for last couple of years. So i knew she will be super happy. I couldn’t wait to tell her, but as we didn’t lived in the same country i couldn’t just go visit her. So we sent her a small gift (baby bodysuit with first scan picture and some sweet text under that) and told her to give us a call when she will open that.
So she finally received the gift, and call us in video call. We had a usual chat like we always did, and then she sat on the chair and put her phone on tablet so that we can see her opening the gift. She opened that gift and saw that little bodysuit, she had tears in her eyes. In disbelief she asked is its really true. I had happy tears in my eyes ass well. She had this happy smile on her face.
And then in next second this turns to worst day of my live. I saw her face changed, she holds her head and says ohh its not good. She falls down the chair. For a minute i was hoping that she just passed out and will wake up. We call my brother who lived in the same country as my mum, he called an ambulance. We still had her on our phone, we heard how ambulance came and took her away. She had a huge aneurysm ruptured . She was in hospital for three days, till the doctors did all tests and told us she’s brain dead. Those three days was the worst. Not knowing if she will be fine, hoping that she will be. She cant go, not when i finally have baby on my way. But like deap inside i already knew than thats it. That short conversation i had with her was our last one. That baby what she was asking for, for all those years, that excitement of finally her become a grandma, was the one took her life.
I was blaming myself for all that. The way we told her. Why we just didn’t went to visit her. It would be maybe different. She might still be alive. I still feel guilty and responsible for her death. I was scared that i might blame the baby, but from the second i hold her in my arms i could never in my life blame someone so dear to me.And i know my mum wouldn’t blame me either but i still do.
After all this time i didn’t have time to process it properly, i needed to be strong for my baby. So now i start thinking about it more often. Thats my fault.
Oh what a terrible thing for you, i am so sorry. That is awful. But that really is not your fault. An aneuryism is a weakness in the brain that can go at any time, and it would have happened anyway and wasn’t caused by you. At least she briefly knew your lovely news. I am so sorry, and hope your little baby brings you lots of comfort.
Yeah i kinda know that but i can’t help myself to think it might not happen if we would say the news in different day. Because she was complaining about some headache that day, thats why she left from work a bit earlier than usual, but that wasn’t nothing new for her. And before we call her i had this weird feeling that its not the right time. I just can’t explain that.
So she still might be here if not me and the big news.
It’s only natural you’d want to tell her the lovely news. If you hadn’t told her and the same thing had happened, it would be very sad she didn’t know. I’m sorry, it is so sad for you but I honestly don’t think you should blame yourself. I think we all feel guilty when we lose someone. I certainly do for not making the hospital do more to help my mum and not asking mire questions. It’s very hard. Sending you good wishes.