Had a indepth conversation yesterday with a good friend of mine. He lost his brother a few years ago. He drank himself to death over a very short period of time. They grew up very close as brothers. He wasn’t an alcoholic. But over a period of 3 years he secretly drank himself to death having not been a drinker before hand. My friend said besides the grief the worst thing he’s had to deal with is the guilt of not knowing why his brother had done so. Not being able to see the signs.
It got me thinking about my own loss. My son crashed his car in the middle of the night. He fell asleep at the wheel after a really long day. No one else was involved and no witnesses. But without boring you All with the details. All the police evidence points to him falling asleep whilst driving. But it has never stopped me rewinding the story in my mind trying to pinpoint a particular point where I could of intervened and prevented the lead up to the crash. Obviously no matter what point I can retrace things to in my head. Is always a waste of time and energy because I can’t change things. But the guilt is always there. If only I’d have??? I think most of us have some sort of guilt after we loose someone. For me, I was a dad, I should have had it under control. Shouldn’t of lost my boy under my watch. But that’s just it , we are not in control of anything. Life throws up these challenges and there are no answers. You just have to deal with it. You don’t have a choice. None of us ask for this. We just have to try and live with it. Some days it crushes you. The feeling of helplessness can be totally overbearing. Learning to live with yourself is what matters in the end. Jim
Dear Jim,
How brave of you to write in such detail about your feelings after the tragic death of your son. You are in the position where you don’t truly know what happened, only that the outcome was devastating and your life will never be the same again.
Acceptance is the hardest word in the world when you’ve lost a child, no matter their age. It’s natural to feel guilty that you couldn’t stop this tragedy from happening but as you say, we can’t control everything.
I wish you brighter days and happier thoughts as time passes. Your son will never be forgotten will he? He was lucky to have a Dad like you.
Warmest wishes,
Miche24
Hi Jim I know it must be awful and hard for you and I feel for you. I also lost my 22-year-old son on October 2nd 2022
He was in a car accident and no one else is in the car with him he missed the turn and went over a cliff. He was flown to the hospital and was instantly put on life support when I got there he was unresponsive and his brain was damaged. I too felt guilty because I told him that weekend that I wad going to be doing something with my friends. I feel guilty because I say to myself if I hadn’t told him that he might have came home that weekend. I really don’t know what he would have done but I still feel guilty because maybe just maybe it would have been a different outcome. If he had lived he would have been a total vegetable it would be 24-hour care and he would not have wanted that so I had to let him go.
. I’ve only been on this site for almost a week and it’s helping me to be able to process my feelings I hope it helps you too.
Dear Racy
When I read what has happened to you and others on here, it is hard to comprehend how parents go on after losing a child suddenly.
Yet I’ve learned on here that no matter how devastating the loss, you all reach out to one another to share pain and love no matter your own suffering, or perhaps because of it. Such is the human spirit - you have found comfort from it as has Jim.
Do please reach out to us if you need more help. There is always
Samaritans - phone number 116123 - for someone to talk to.
Know that we’re thinking of you, are amazed at your courage, and sending love.
Miche24
Thank you so much for responding yes it is a very hard road to travel, but I am trying to move forward the best that I can. I have only been on this site for short while and letting my feelings out and responding to others is helping me immensely. 
Dear Racy
My heart hurts for you. You are such early days of your grief and its such a hard road ahead. You have come to the right place here. There are lots of grieving parents who understand your loss. My daughter was 23 when she was killed by a careless driver 7 years ago. She was my only child and my best friend. I miss her terribly 
Liz
Thank you for responding Sando, and my heart goes out to you I understand your pain and her being your only child must be a horrendous loss. My son was also my best friend. And one day when we’re sitting in the living room he said to me Mom you know what you’re my best friend and it brought tears to my eyes. If you don’t mind me asking how did you handle your grief? and has the pain lessened for you?
Hi Racy
Tbh I didn’t cope at all well in the first couple of years. I went to the bottom of a black hole and was probably not a nice person to the people around me. I was very angry and couldn’t understand why Gemma had died. She was just out enjoying herself and having fun. Her adult life was just about to start. She had qualified as a teacher and got herself a job, boyfriend etc.
I cried every day for a whole year. It’s completely exhausting. Nobody around me could understand what I was feeling.
I drank every day to excess to numb the pain which worked but is not advisable 
I arranged counselling from Cruse but it was far too early in my grief and it was really only because everyone else thought I should have it.
I’m afraid there is no one size fits all when it comes to grief but I did find it helpful talking to people who had also lost a child. I joined the compassionate friends and have met 2 lovely ladies who are now good friends and understand completely how I feel.
You have also found a hi pod support group here.
Liz x
I am so sorry for your loss and thanks for responding. This site has helped me to open up and share and it’s made a difference with my grieving