Ever since my mum passed its just been really really difficult to move on. my head keeps replaying her final moments over and over again. I was her carer for pretty much half of her life but the last 3 years had taken a toll me as she was bedridden from stroke, suffered with dementia as well other complex needs. my life revolved around her nurses/carers at home and me doing her food/meds etc. everytime I go to her room now I see her things, I just get upset thats she’s not here and start crying.
her last days were not great as she had to go to the hospital and died the following day. The care she received at hospital was abysmal. i’m so angry at myself of not being able to see her health was deteriorating and had I made the decision for her to stay home she would of been well and got looked after properly than being ignored by the nurses in hospital.
I havent been able to sleep properly since she passed 6 months ago. i just feel alot of guilt, i never had chance to say goodbye or hug her which i always do. it seems so wrong living without her. I just want things to back the way they were when she was well and just being here with me. i feel dead now she has gone like i’m just living for the sake of living. i want to wake from the horrible nightmare already
@mia4 , I can relate to you and understand everything what you are feeling, my mom passed away 6 months back too and unexpectedly one night when she was perfectly fine. It happened at 2 midnight and I couldn’t even say her goodbye, we celebrate our birthdays together you know. Ever since she gone I have been feeling the same way like you, crying continuously, having bad dreams, shaking, think it was my fault, I am just 26 and she couldn’t see any of my achievements, nor will get to see my wedding which she was always excited about and I have been dealing with ptsd. All I can say is you did everything you could, how many people care for their mom in this age. Mia she was the most proud of you trust me when I say this, I know the feeling of hopeless but I am sure she wouldn’t like seeing you this way.
If I can ask you to may be take a vacation, or join a yoga or meditation class or if you want see a counselor but she will tell you the same thing. Please Please take care, if you want I am always here to talk, this community helps me and you can even txt me on DM and I will be there, but take an action, a step into the future which your mom would love to see. I don’t mind if you want to txt me everyday as well, I want you to see and take that step
I fully understand how you are feeling. I lost my Mum in February, she was my best friend as well as my Mum. She had a heart attack in October and contracted hospital acquired infections on top of this. She was treated abysmally at our A&E hospital by some (not all) staff. I am struggling to come to terms with understanding how the place that was meant to treat her and make her better actually made her worse. Makes it worse me being NHS staff, I feel very angry to the point I am about to start counselling.
I also play her final days & hours over in my head. I cry writing this but please know that you are not alone. I feel worse now than what I did when I first lost Mum. You’re not alone in your grief xx
Hiya,
Thank you Varun.
I am plodding on but life will never be the same for me. I just take small steps each day and week and get through the weeks somehow.
Are you doing okish,?
Deborah
@Varun thank you so much for writing this because I feel the same way and still do. I lost my dad quite young and even then it was hard for me but I had mum and we sort of kind of plodded along and not talk about. Even then I remembered looking at outside window and thought why hasn’t the world stopped when mine did like all the traffic and cars going by, it just seemed so unfair. My mum told me then just to have patience in God, pray for forgiveness and pray we can move on from this. It’s never been the same. Mum became ill after dad’s death she constantly spent time going in and out of hospital I became her carer, pretty much whilst trying to juggle school and try to deal with house bills etc at age 13.
It was just hard, I always kept pushing myself you knw stop feeling sorry for yourself and try to work hard on your education and get a degree which was end goal, which i know my dad would be proud but it was just impossible. I just had constant obstacles or disruptions in my life that needed my attention like mum would go hospital if she has chest infections or get a DVT. I just always had to be there and give up what I’m doing or affected my attendance at school or even see my friends etc. I’m sorry if I sound ungrateful, it was just constant like it was always something like when we tackled a problem another one crops up. I honestly did believe at the time that when god takes people it’s ok just see the bigger picture that he has something better in store for me and it will get better. I feel like it’s cruel and horrible lie you feed people to make them feel better.
I am angry at the world the injustice that mum dealt with at the hands of nhs her death for me could have been prevented just like my dad death. I feel even more helpless and vulnerable than I did before like she was in hospital and last I saw her she was ill but not dying or anything an and then following to be told she dead and no explanation as to why apart from she had spontaneous GI ? I don’t even know anymore but sorry for the rambling and thank you again. I have started counselling and I’m hoping it’s get better from here. I just want to stop reliving this nightmare in my head or even out here.
I hate how everyone on here has/had lost someone here they care about, no one deserves this sort of pain. I wish there was miracle that this all had been bad dream and I wake up mum being there with me like we used to
Ohh @mia4, That brought tears to my eye, life can be so difficult at times and you have been going through so many things from a young age. Thanks for sharing your story. I am so sorry to hear about your parents. You didn’t deserve any of these things that you went through.
Ik we don’t even know each other but can I just tell it shows how strong you are as a person. I really wish I could talk to you in person because we can understand what we are going though you know. I am glad you are taking counselling and that will help you to push and live a life you want. Please start taking some actions or join some activity that will help you even more.
I exactly understand the feelings you are going through but it is not your fault, you took care of everything you could and as you said world can be cruel at times. You know my mom had a cardiac arrest and nobody told me why it happened at such a young age, I too kept on blaming me and recalling our arguments at times, now on news I read it could be because of some covid vaccine, my mind just don’t know what to believe and what to ignore, still keep on finding answers. I tried counselling too and it helped me to an extent but then one day I broke down and she was very worried and gave up on me. Since then I try to just to live one day at a time.
Take care Mia and remember if you want to reach out someday txt me I am always available on this platform.
